Yes, this post is about dick pics. For those of you reading who have not had the pleasure of being in the dating world these past few years you might think that the dick pic is some phenomena that people talk about that doesn’t really exist in real life, like the bigfoot. You assume that surely no man is out there taking photos of his one eyed snake and actually sending them to women in an attempt to score points, but I can assure you that dick pics are real and they victimize single women in the dating scene everyday! Firsthand experience right here. The fact that I have to write this piece is evidence enough that there’s something wrong with the dating scene.  Things have changed. For the worse. I have a hard time believing the men of our parents’ generation were handing out polaroid pictures of “down” there when they were young and single and ready to mingle. So for the men out there, here are the reasons not to send a dick pic (from an intelligent, non-crazy, classy but definitely not a prude, female point of view):

1. It will be shared. With her friends, her coworkers (super weird if she’s like me and works with all men), her mom (what?……mom needs a laugh too!).
2. It will be very closely scrutinized. Not just by the woman you sent it to, but by all the those mentioned above in reason #1.
3. It will likely be saved on her phone. Obviously for reasons 1 and 2 above. But then she will forget to delete it and over time us poor women accumulate these questionable pictures in our photo reels. I swear, if I hadn’t have lost all my data during my last phone transition I would have had enough dick pics to have made a 365 day of the year pull away calendar. Note to self: back up icloud when finished posting.
4. You can’t take it back. Let’s say that somehow the receiver is able to see past the fact that you sent her a dick pic and actually give you a chance and you two end up dating. Her friends will have ALL seen your penis. Maybe even her mom.
5. Contrary to what you men think, we are not immediately aroused by the sight of a penis. They are just weird. I mean in the right lighting, with the right mood set it can be somewhat alluring. But for the most part, receiving a dick pic is not a pick me up moment in one’s day. Speaking from personal experience I know when I get one my face sort of scrunches up and I make an uncontrollable “ugh” gasping noise. And I am a straight as an arrow female who really likes men.
6. The “look what you did to me” caption along with a very erect dick picture is not flattering, nor thoughtful. Instead, try something like a selfie with a big smile across your face and tell us women “I woke up thinking about you and can’t stop smiling”. That’s cute. That’s something we will be proud to share with our friends. Thank me later guys.
7. No woman in her right mind would take a photo of her vagina and send it to guy in an attempt to lure him in. And same rule applies-vise versa. Emphasis on the “right mind” part.
8. If you have a simply amazing penis that just has to be shared with the world, and you must send a dick pic, think about timing. I get a little thrown off when I return to my desk early afternoon after a management meeting with a nice cup of coffee ready to be productive and I look down at my phone and there is an erect penis staring back at me.  I make the controllable “ugh” noise and scrunchy face. I start questioning…. “I am a classy career woman. What did I do to deserve this?”.
9. It takes away the surprise and the mystery. If we’ve never seen your penis before, we don’t want to see it for the first time in still life, in morning wood time bright lighting (which is when many of you creeps chose as your ideal photo op).   At least put a filter on there. Sheesh!
10. It affirms that you are one of “those guys”. The ones who we can’t really seriously consider catching feelings for because you’re kind of a player and not genuine. I’d like to believe that a guy who is sincerely interested in having something with a female would not send her a dick picture. It just shows where your head is at (no pun intended) and that you are just talking to her for hopes of being able to mess around.
11. Rules apply to all dicks. Don’t send a picture of another guy’s dick either. That is just weird. This has actually happened to me twice, with the explanation of “I like to watch my girl hook up with other men and I have this friend and here is his penis. What do you think?”. Where is the logic in that?

P.S. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the Chelsea Handler commentary on dick pics above.   I love this woman. I think she is my spirit animal.