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So this week is the fifth year anniversary of me starting this blog!  Yikes.  Yes, you all have been enjoying my self-deprecating tales of why I am (still) single for longer than some marriages last nowadays. Five years later I am pretty much, okay no, let’s be honest, I am EXACTLY where I was love life wise as when I started this blog.  Only now I have three cats instead of two so I actually think a regressed.   While this blog has been a fun creative outlet for me to drop my thoughts into, I will admit I have been doing a poor job of keeping up with posting.   I am about quality not quantity and I actually I have a handful of half written posts that I haven’t finished due to getting stuck with writers’ block, not absolutely loving the content and then just dropping them altogether.  I guess you could say I write like a date.  But this post came to me fairly easily.  Here you go: the day to day realities of being a single, 36 year old woman:

You’re happy for your friends who are married and have kids, but at the same time you also sort of hate them. Receiving the annual holiday cards with the photos of them smiling with their significant other and the kids are nice and thoughtful of them to send, but they are also depressing.  And the people who include with the photo card a single spaced, 10-point font full page synopsis of their and their kids’ accomplishments over the past year need to chill.  Rub it in why don’t you?  Yes, I said it.  Or at least leave that insert out when sending holiday cards to your fragile single friends.  Please and thank you. We don’t write you cards about our shitty first dates, our one night stands, or about how our cat learned to play fetch.

It becomes more and more apparent that the one thing you suck at is dating. I would argue that most single women in their 30’s are killing it in all other aspects of their lives.  Take me for instance:   I have a solid career I am proud of and passionate about that pays well.  I am financially set for life with a solid bank account, IRA, CMA, etc. and I own multiple rental properties as investments.  I am freakishly strong in the gym.   To top that off, most days I am mentally stable.  However, the one thing I am consistently horrible at is finding love. It’s sort of my thing at this point. I excel at it.   

Your friends are now trying to fix you up with their divorced friends.  Like “Here someone else didn’t want this anymore but I thought you might like it.”  Gosh, um….thanks for thinking of me. I’m flattered.

Having sex with random super-hot strangers is no longer fun.  In fact, it’s horrible.  The older you get the more you want a mental connection along with the physical.  In fact, I broke things off with my most recent fling because while the sex was the most knock your socks off, mind blowing sex I’ve had in my life, my heart and head just were not in it and I was left feeling unsatisfied.  If that doesn’t scream “I am mature and in my 30’s” I don’t know what does.  I’d also like pause here for a moment of comprehension for a few of the ex- men in my life who read my blog who just realized that they were not the best sex of my life.   Sorry/not sorry. You all put me through some shit.

You can’t relate to or have sympathy for the women on The Bachelor anymore.  I can’t roll my eyes any farther back into my head as I watch 25-year-old runway model lookalike Victoria ugly cry about having her heart broken and her world crashing down.  Girl, you are still a baby and have so much time left to make bad dating decisions before finding Mr. Right.  Stop sniveling and get on Bumble/Tinder/Hinge/POF/Zoosk like the rest of us and start racking up some horrible dating stories. Then you can cry.   Also, there really should be a dating show called “Let’s Just Fucking Do This” for people in their late 30’s/early 40’s.  The winning final couple gets a full expense paid wedding with complimentary babysitting for all their friends with kids and a free egg freezing and in-vitro package.  Where do I sign up?

You see that even the dating apps are losing hope in the process. Why on earth would Bumble offer a lifetime membership?  I don’t think the marketing team thought this one through.

You get excited to tell other single people who have not yet tried online dating about how horrible it really is.  But at the same time, you’re also hoping they will agree to try it out and be miserable along with you.  It’s like when something tastes awful and you say to someone “here taste this!”. 

You seriously worry that you have exhausted the dating pool. …. In fact, in the recent years I have actually started recycling men whom I dated previously.  It’s just easier than starting from scratch.  You know the issues and baggage they have and what they like in the bedroom. However, a short while later you are reminded why it didn’t work in the first place and then you’re back at square one which actually makes being 36 and single AF feel even more shitty.  And let’s also address the fact that I’ve been online dating for so long that I can’t go more than 30 minutes of swiping on a dating site without seeing someone I have either gone on a date with or exchanged messages with previously.  I need to move. 

You realize you are no spring chicken and are now one of the older people on the sites.  It always makes me laugh when I see a man with something to the extent of “Yep, 40 years old and on an online dating site.  Life is going just as planned.”  Same buddy.  Same.   I was so young and naïve when I first started online dating at the age of 28 thinking “This is fun! It’s like an endless supply of men for me to sift through!”. Little did I know that almost 9 years later I would still be sifting.   And now I get to look forward to the messages like this:

All the 6-8’s are gone.  All that’s left are 9+ and <5’s.  Once you reach your mid 30’s there are no decent in between men left over.  No woman in their 30’s has the time or energy to chase around a 9/10. Plus, most of these men have glamour shots on their profile and I just can’t keep up with that anymore. My days of chasing narcistic gorgeous men are over.   And then of course you have the super creepy 5 or less men online.  They’re the ones with the bathroom selfies from a super odd angle while wearing a wife-beater tank.   Another strange phenomenon I have noticed over the years online dating is that there seems to be a disproportionately high number of men with face tattoos, poor grammar and height under 5’5” feet tall.   

Trying to online date in your 30’s when you have a rock solid professional network makes you consider if LinkedIn might be a better option for meeting someone.  Online dating and meeting someone at the grocery store isn’t working so this seems like a feasible option. At least this way you know the guy has job and is career minded.   In fact, I have a great idea that instead of Bumble, Tinder and Hinge linking your Instagram page to your dating profile, they should have an option for us older professional single people where we can connect our LinkedIn profile.  Someone please make that happen.

You instantly bond with other single women.  You’re fighting the same fight and it seems like no one is getting anywhere. I have a favorite fellow single woman cat loving coworker and we now share a Costco membership together.  This screams “I am giving up on men” more than me getting a third cat.

You start to question your sexuality.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still straight as an arrow, but there have been a number of times when I have caught myself thinking “men are just awful, is there another option?”.  As the years have gone by, I have found that I get more easily annoyed with men in general.  Starting to think this quest for a man is not worth it. 

You develop a number of single woman survival skills.  I think I speak for more than just myself here when I say that if you’re in your 30’s and a long-time single female you are a tough cookie.  Over my many years of being a single woman homeowner I have become an expert at not needing a man.   From killing my own spiders, opening my own jars, deadlifting recliner chairs up the stairs solo, replacing and rotating mattresses on my own, to probably my most ridiculous achievement of knocking an obnoxiously beeping low battery carbon monoxide detector off the ceiling by throwing shoes at it repeatedly since I did not have a ladder.  Only when it comes to the technical stuff like fixing the TV or setting up a printer do I get a little (okay a lot) of anxiety and the four-letter words go flying wishing I had a tech savvy boyfriend to help me out.

Men from your past reach out to you and comment “Wow! You’re still single.”  Yeah, thanks in part to you bro. This happens to me a lot.  For some reason men always come back around.  There must be something about me that screams “please mess with my emotions.”    And there are handful who have reappeared some 5+ years later.  I am not sure if that is some sort of compliment but I am going to choose to take it as one. I’d like to think it is due to my charming, witty personality and great ass, but it’s probably just because they are running out of options as well.

The “no man has it all” phenomena gets real.  Obviously, the longer you are single and dating around the more men you interact with and then what happens is your brain picks out the best features of each man and drops them into a wish jar and then you subconsciously end up searching for one man with all those traits even though you know damn well they don’t exist. Like so and so had a great sense of humor, and this other guy was so smart, and then he had a motorcycle, and then the next one had an adorable dog, and then the one after him had amazing arms.  You get the picture.  It’s like a game of build-a-man that you will never win.

You find yourself randomly Googling things like “Are vasectomies reversible?”.  That is definitely a reality of dating in your late thirties.  Seems like all the good men have already been taken, had kids, been snipped, and then have gotten divorced and are back out on the playing field.  I will also admit that I have Googled “At what age do men grow up?”.  The verdict is still out on that one as far as I have seen.

When your female coworkers get engaged and announce it on a company call you immediately hate them.  Please keep your disgustingly cute recap of how he proposed with a huge ring to yourself or my eyes will  roll so far back into my head I will have to go off camera.

As a single 30 something woman with no man to call your own, you get ridiculously distracted by attractive men.  Anything from the 25-year-old douchey guy at the gym to the silver fox you spot at the grocery store. The prospect of a new male coworker being hot and single is super exciting.  But alas…. They never are both. 

You’re getting really over the “least expecting it” stage. Like how long does one have to go around least expecting something before it actually happens?  I have been single for over 9 years now. I am more than over this.  I had a previous post about how saying “it will happen when you least expect it” is one of the most, if not the most annoying things you can say to your single friends.  Us single people don’t just wake up and think “gosh I think I will meet my soulmate today!”.  You don’t have to remind us to pretend to least expect it.  We are pretty good at believing that we will not meet our significant other on any given day.

You’ve gotten the “I met a guy. Just kidding.”  phrase on repeat.   Every 30 something year old single person feels this to their core.  Dating sucks. And catching feelings for someone, getting excited, and then being let down yet again is the worst and pretty much makes you want to just not get involved with anyone ever again.  I have a huge guard up against getting hurt and letting someone in and while I know that could be deterring me from opening up to someone great, it is impossible not to be pessimistic about dating. Sometimes I wish I could wipe it all from my brain and start fresh as the newly single 28 year old joining Match.com for the first time with excitement of what was to come.  And don’t even get me started on the emotional roller coaster I’ve taken my mom on with her waiting for me to finally find someone and give her grandchildren.  Now, after all the “just kidding” let downs she’s had along this ride with me I can see even she no longer gets excited. 

You worry you might be stuck this way. I have serious concerns that I don’t know how to not be single. I am REALLY good at being alone. If I am being honest, the thought of living with man and having someone permanently in my life gives me anxiety. And I sure as hell don’t know how to keep a boyfriend alive and happy. Is there a class that us long time single ladies can take for this? Like “Having a Boyfriend for Dummies”? Someone let me know.

I wasn’t quite sure what the closer should be for this post so I am just throwing it back to one of my favorite online dating first messages. After waiting a whole 2 minutes for a response, he resorted to the big dick energy card. Though I don’t blame him for trying…. it continues to work for Pete Davidson.

Happy 5th Birthday to my “This is Why I am Single” blog! 🙂

Though most of them are pretty bad too.  But this post is about the dating apps themselves and all the things that are not so great about them.  People often ask me what online dating is like.  This post will give some good insight into that. See, along with digging through the millions of profiles of people who supposedly fit your search criteria, you also have to deal with the quirks of all the online dating apps. Here is my list of the things I dislike most about online dating apps:

It’s way too easy to mistakenly “Super-like” someone.  On the swiping apps like Tinder, Bumble, or the Facebook dating app (yes, there is a Facebook dating app, and yes, sadly I have tried that out too), it is ridiculously too easy to accidentally hit the “Super-like” button. For those wondering what a “Super-like” is: it’s an extra special “like” (swipe right) that you can give to someone’s profile. I suppose someone on the executive team at Tinder thought that a “like” wasn’t good enough and came up with the brilliant idea and then decided to put it right next to the “X” (hell no) button.

Exhibit A:  The current Tinder app screen. Super-like is the blue star.

Along similar lines, the constant updates to the apps are ridiculous.  Dating is complicated enough. On top of that you also have to deal with a new, redesigned look and new features on each of the apps every few months.   I am trying to find a man. Not play a video game. Sheesh! This is also how I know I am getting to old for this shit.  It might be time to look into the Our Time dating app. I bet they don’t change the look and how to use their site every month like the others.

Success story posts they shove in your face. Get out of here with your happy endings. I’ve just swiped (all lefts) for 45 minutes straight with my upper lip snarled up because I’ve been so repulsed with the profiles I’ve seen.  I don’t want to see this sappy post with this “ I knew immediately she was my future wife “ B.S. from Jon and Katie:

Give me something I can relate to like: “Meet our latest so far so good story: Katie and Jon. Katie had swiped through so many profiles she developed carpal tunnel and just when she was about to give up on men and get a forth cat, she matched with Jon. He was horrible at answering questions and keeping the conversation going but Katie is no quitter and pressed on. Katie had to be the alpha and instigate the first date and they ended up having a pretty decent time. Jon was a gentleman, interesting, and wanted commitment. However he was short and lived at home with his parents but Katie realized you can’t have it all. And here they are happy … for now”.   That caption would be a hell of a lot more relatable. I hope you’re taking notes Bumble social media team. 

The high compatibility matches the apps assign you really make you question who you are as a person. When I was on Match.com I do have to admit that the list of 25 high compatibility suitors I would wake up to every morning was decent.  But that was back in 2013-2015 in the good ole days before online dating turned to complete trash. Most apps also have compatibility tests you can take to further affirm that you are apparently a 95% match to someone really questionable and strange that you could never see yourself with.  It makes you wonder who designs these tests. The site with the strangest, most out of left field compatibility tests I’ve seen is OkCupid. I sort of felt like some of the questions were slipped in there as a joke:

Traveling automatically makes you more attractive somehow. It’s strange. Every time I have traveled, whether it be to Denver, Austin, Chicago, Louisville, Portland  etc. I am 1000X more in demand. Heck, even when driving to Riverside or Ventura County for the day for work I was more popular.  See what happens when you travel (or at least when I do), is you get these pop ups on your phone telling you how many men are interested in you:

Truly makes you question where you live.   Also makes me think that all the men in the Orange County/Los Angeles area are sick of seeing my profile and wonder “how in the hell is this chick still single?  She must be batshit crazy!”.  Nope. But give me a few more years doing the online dating thing and I’ll be close.

Annoying reminders throughout the day that you are single AF. It will be 10:30am in the middle of a work day and a dating app notification will pop up on my phone.  I was doing so good being a focused, career minded, I-don’t-need-no-man independent woman with a cat in my lap while I work, and then bam!… a little note from Tinder to remind me that I better get swiping as I am missing out on matches. Ridiculous.

You can get kicked off the apps for doing nothing wrong.  So the apps allow you to report people for various reasons but they don’t ask for any support of that accusation.  For whatever reason I was kicked off of Plenty of Fish (POF) and whenever I go to create a new profile it won’t let me.  Am I eager to get back POF?  No, not really as it is the same crowd as all the other sites, but it was where I seemed to get many of my best laughs and cringe worthy messages.  A sick part of me almost misses it.   Take me back POF. I’m sorry for whatever I did.

You can actually run out of men.  WTF!?!  This makes one feel real good.  Almost makes you consider batting for the other team. This has happened to me a number of times:

Invite your friends pop ups. Really?  Online dating is the type of painful groundhog day like struggle that I would only wish upon my very worst enemy. I would never invite my friends to partake is this disaster.  Ok, maybe if we wanted to have some laughs together.  But I’m pretty sure I get enough content on my own, no need to have someone else subjected to this as well.

The ads that pop up.   Within the last few years the number of ads that pop on Tinder or Bumble have gotten out of hand. And often times these ads will have a good looking man it in. It throws you off, like wait, “can I match with him?” or “is he a choice/!?!”. For instance Chris Pratt was in this The Tomorrow War ad and that teaser was not cool Tinder. I also feel bad for the poor guy whose profile comes right after Chris Pratt’s.

The sites can use your profile for their ads.  I had this happen to me on Match.com a few years ago. I can’t say that I ever saw the ad, but one day I woke up to a TON of messages from men all over the US. One of the guys mentioned in their message to me that he had “seen my profile in one of the banner ads”. I imagine I must have signed some acknowledgment for acceptable of using my information when I signed up, but still… creepy.

Prompts you have to fill out now.  Within the last two years or so the apps have adopted this new profile prompts feature. I hate these for two key reasons: 

(1) they are a cop out that men can use to not actually have to write anything thoughtful about themselves. To me it feels like a result of people not willing to put in an effort to writing a decent profile blurb so now the sites just allow people to pick 3 of these supposed conversation starters and that becomes their profile.

(2) they are often abused [recall the “I will fall for you if….you trip me” examples I have posted in a prior post], or they serves as just another place aside from the header profile “About me” section for men to slip in something creepy.

A few of the best (meaning worst) uses of the prompts I’ve come across lately:

The whole “verified account” this is shady. That blue shield (Bumble)/ blue check mark (Tinder) next to person’s name means that the great folks at Bumble or Tinder have supposedly “verified” this mans’ account and he is who he says he is. Dear Bumble: you cannot tell me that you “verified” that this dude’s name is ItalianStallion:

And to the Tinder admin team: what is your SOP for verifying and approving a person whose main profile photo has them with their index finger knuckle deep in their nose? Very classy. Blue check mark stamp of approval for Luis!

There is a new dating app every week. The fear of FOMO is real. I’ve definitely been a victim of this. You hear about the newest dating app and how great it is and you join, only to realize one day in that it’s the same shit just in a different app format you have learn. 

The age double standard.  I am not joking the second I turned 30 on match.com I was automatically matched with the 40 year old + men age group, linking me up all the twice divorced, already have kids and looking for a trophy wife crowd. You think that same shit happens when men turn 30 on Match.com?  I think not. Let me know if you know otherwise.

They play the “there’s so many fish in the sea” card, and they play it hard. I’ve used this line in a post before: “the odds are good but the goods are odd” when it comes to online dating and that couldn’t be more true. The apps play it out like “oh, it’s so great, there are so many happy, high quality people on here just waiting to mingle.” Not true. The sea is full of creepy, immature, and/or emotionally unavailable men who do not know what they are looking for.

The titles of the apps are misleading.  Case in point: “Elite Singles”.  I joined this site back in 2016 thinking that it was something I hadn’t tried and believed the hype that it was supposed to be full of successful men looking for a more serious dating experience.  Welp…. Turns out ANYONE can join Elite Singles, no matter how un-elite they are. And all my interactions for the six months I was on the site were with extremely socially awkward men who I assume were intimidated by the better looking and more sociable crowd on the other “less elite” sites. Makes one wonder if you have to prove that you own farm to be on the Farmers Only app. I actually found the complaint I wrote to the Elite Singles customer service when my subscription ended. Hilarious:

I’m the Karen of online dating. Ha!

Instantaneous updates to your age the literal second your birthday hits.  I’m not joking, the second the clock changes from 11:59pm on September 14^th to 12:00am on my birthday the 15^th,  my age immediately turns up a year.  I was born at 10:30pm you jerks… give me those extra hours to not be yet another year older and still online dating. Or better yet, maybe give me a week or so to adjust to the new age. Damn.

You have to either get lucky, bargain shop, or buy a Ferrari. There are the free sites, those that are about $20-30 a month which are basically the same crowd as the free apps, and then lastly you have the professional match maker sites that are I kid you not are tens of thousands of dollars to just start the matchmaking process.   Where is the middle road? Like can I give someone $500 to go stand outside the grocery store and hand out fliers with my headshot and little “About Me” piece on them?  Seems like that would be more worth the money.

Closing this out with a funny story:  There was actually a job opening for “Quality Assurance Manager” at Tinder that I came across on LinkedIn. Being in Quality Assurance as my current career AND having been a victim of online dating for the last 8+ years, you better believe I applied just for shits and giggles.  Those jerks didn’t pick me, I actually didn’t even get an interview. In hindsight I should have had the balls to include the link to this here blog in my application. But your loss Tinder… I would have had a TON of feedback and suggestions for how to improve your site and user experience. 

After 9 years of being single I often get told or have it strongly suggested that I might be too picky.  In all fairness I bring a lot to the table and I expect the same.  But there is slim possibility that I might be a little picky.  So figured I’d jot down a list of just how picky I really am.  I realize that no man is going to meet all these criteria below. I’ve been looking for almost a decade now.   This is more of a fantasy build-a-man wish list for the male unicorn of my dreams who I don’t think exists.  *HOWEVER* if you readers know any man who meets even 80% of these, please, I beg you to hook a woman up!

THE DEAL BREAKERS

Before diving into the “deal -makers”, let’s do the deal breakers as those are just as important:

Doesn’t know what they want.  This eliminates about 85% of men in their 30 ‘s on dating apps, if not more.  What are you all waiting for to figure that out?  I have had my shit together for a long time now.  Honestly, since about 23 when I got my masters and my first real food industry job at a fish processing plant and I’ve been kicking butt and doing me and learning about what my passions are, what makes me tick, and what I want in life since then. I just can’t relate to a man in his 30’s (or even 40’s!) who is still trying to figure out what he’s doing, if he wants a girlfriend, if he wants a family, and still thinking he’s going to be an “entrepreneur” and just make money without actually working.

Too pretty. The older I have gotten the less impressed I am with gorgeous, model/actor looking men.  I know this sounds stereotypical but they just seem less interesting, and to be honest normally are.  Plus, I just don’t want to have to keep up with that level of beauty. My man can’t be prettier than me.   Along similar lines, men who shave everything are just too much.  I can’t even commit to that level of grooming at all times. I can’t have my significant other one- upping me.

Cat haters/allergic to cats. Non-negotiable. The cats are my kids. They aren’t going anywhere.  I don’t care how good you are in the sack. Although, if you’re very confident in that arena you’d like to try and change my mind, hit me up and we can arrange for a try out. It’s been a while. Please note the cats will be watching and judging you.

Trump supporters.  He lost. And for good reason.  Still cannot understand for the life of me how he got elected.  I know I will lose some readers from this but I am entitled to my opinion and this is my blog and my post about my dream man, and that man does not want to “Make American Great Again”.

Racist. Really enough said there. I simply could not be with shitty human being who believed certain classes of people are inferior to others because of their race or ethnicity and there are no exceptions to this.

Kombucha drinkers.   I know this is an oddly picky deal breaker. But let’s be honest: kombucha is gross. My parents used to grow it in the house in the 90’s before all these hipster millennials made it cool. It smells disgusting and tastes even worse. I just can’t imagine being with someone who was drank this dirty feet, vinegary smelling tonic and who might try to get me to as well.  Plus if you willingly drink kombucha I will doubt your ability to make good decisions in other areas of life.

Boob men. Sorry. Nothing to see here, nor will I ever make the decision to get fake ones.  Move along.   I suppose this is more of a deal breaker for them, but it felt worth noting.

Argues with me about organic food being better for you or that microwaves are poisoning us.  Let me explain:  I literally have a masters and bachelors in food. Food Science in particular. So, I do not need a man bun wearing dude telling me about what I should or should not eat or telling me that carrageenan is the devil.  Educational fact:  carrageenan is sourced from seaweed and used it foods at <1% and has been used for decades.  Trust me, there are far worse things you can put in your body. 

Lives more than 30 miles away. Or lives in L.A.  I’m getting too old for this shit and the thought of making a long drive, or even worse driving through L.A. area traffic for a more than likely lackluster date gives me anxiety.  And this is a shame because when I am in the L.A. area for work and I have a spare moment to get on Bumble or Hinge I have to admit that the men are considerably better looking.

Wants to live somewhere cold. I can’t be with someone who sees themselves eventually moving somewhere cold to live out their years.  I’m a bit scrawny and I have poor circulation, and thus I barely survive California “winters”.  I whine and complain the whole two months out of the year that it’s less than 65°F around here.

Recently sober former alcohol or drug addicts. I hate to sound insensitive here but being with an addict is a huge commitment and a potentially life long altering decision that I’d prefer to stay away from.  For whatever reason though, I do a damn good job attracting these men.

Doesn’t like animals.  “Do you have pets?” and “Do you like animals?” is in my top 20 first date questions.  If you don’t like animals something is wrong with you.   This includes cats 🙂

Men with ridiculous names.  And I don’t mean unique names like mine (thanks Mom!).  I mean names that make you think “There is no way in hell your parents named you that!” sort of names. 

Exhibit A:

And he’s that pretty?  Give a break! (eyeroll).

Silent, dead fish in bed.  Not only is this a huge turn off, it is also creepy.  I need to know that you are alive and more importantly enjoying yourself. 

Men who don’t drink coffee. I know, this is another weird one, but I do not trust people who don’t drink coffee.  Like where are you getting your energy from?  Who are you trying to impress?  Functioning without coffee is suspicious and strange.   I need someone who understands that my day cannot go on without coffee. Coffee is a love language if you ask me.

Can’t keep up a conversation. There is an art to this that somehow died over the course of the last 6 years or so, at least in the online dating arena.  I recall the early days of online dating having great back and forth exchanges with guys.  Now it’s like pulling teeth. Finding a man online who can keep up conversation is increasingly rare.  This is key. It proves that they are willing to put in effort, are intelligent, and someone I would want to spend my time with. 

Has to bring up sex in the first conversation.  This is a huge turn off and extremely annoying.  Flirting is fine but if the first few exchanges have references to body parts or sex, I’m checking out.  You all remember this guy…

Face tattoos.  I don’t think this one requires explanation. Yet there are a lot of men online proudly displaying ink on their faces and it’s perplexing. But as they say, there is someone for everyone. 

Dumb. I am not saying that the man I end up with has to be freakishly smart or evenly highly educated.  But there is a certain level at which I have to draw the line. 

Men with the toilet in background of their profile photo selfies.  This is just gross. And creepy.  Put some effort into presenting yourself in a better light guys. 

Men wanting needy women. I swear that part of the reason I am (still) single is that I have my shit together and am emotionally and financially stable. I don’t need a man. I’d like one. But the “need” for someone to take care of me does not exist.   I feel like many men are looking for someone who needs them.

THE DEAL MAKERS

And now for the deal sealers…

He has a degree(s) in science or has a career in a scientific field. There is just something magic about when two science nerds get together. I recently watched Radioactivity on Netflix, which is the story about Marie Curie and Pierre Curie. They were lovers AND lab partners. You can’t get much hotter than that if you ask me.  I spent an entire three hour long hiking date with a guy who was pre-med talking about our thesis research projects.   While that didn’t turn into a love connection for other reasons it still goes down as one of the more fun dates I’ve been on.  I’d love to find a fellow science nerd. Maybe I should go back and get my PhD. Hmm….

Passionate about something.  Career. Hobby.  Whatever it is. A man who is passionate and proud about some aspect of their lives is instantly more interesting and intriguing. I guess I like knowing what makes people tick and I am drawn to people with drive and who I can learn something from.

Someone who is a bit of a gym rat and who would welcome the idea of gym dates. You all know I am a sucker for a man with muscles. It’s my kryptonite.  I don’t know what it is exactly but beyond the obvious aesthetic appeal, I think it has a lot to do with the discipline and dedication that it takes to have that physique. It’s really not as superficial and surface level as it sounds.

Proper grammar. Once you online date for some time and see that the average level of literacy of most people on there is about a third grade level, the proper use of “your/you’re” and “their/there/they’re” is incredibly attractive. And I am not just hating on the men here.  I am sure the women are just as bad.

Takes out the trash.  Rolling the trash and recycle bins out to the curb is the chore I hate the most.  I call it the “single woman walk of shame”.   I simply despise it. I always forget this task (or subconsciously push it off) until late Thursday night so it’s always cold and dark when I am wheeling those things out to the curb. And I swear it is only 50 feet but it feels like a long lonely quarter mile when the whole time I am running over the thought in my head of having to do this chore myself until I die. 

Killer smile.  There is something about big white perfectly aligned teeth that makes my heart skip a beat.  Good oral hygiene is a huge plus too.  I brush my teeth at least 4 times a day so someone just as obsessed with fresh and clean mouth would be ideal.

Car with seat warmers. Odd request, I know.   I have dated a few men with seat warmers in their cars and let me say this:  there is nothing that makes me happier than a warm and toasty backside on a car ride back from a great date. Completes the night!   I guess I am easy to please.  I suppose I’ll just have to get my own car with seat warming capabilities. 

Junk in the trunk. I said it.  Women appreciate a nice round backside as well.    

Will watch Bad Santa with me at Christmas time every year until the day we die.  Someone who also loves the uncomfortable, vulgar humor in this movie is my soulmate. It never gets old.

Likes to travel.  I was lucky to have grown up with parents who took me traveling a lot so I definitely have the bug to get out and see the world. Admittedly I don’t do it enough.  A mate with fellow love for experiencing other places and cultures would be ideal.

Tall.  I know… all women like talk men, but for me it is not only a physical preference, but also survival skill.  There has to be someone in the house who is tall enough to reach things in the top shelves, because there is going to come a time when I am not young and agile enough to climb up on top of the kitchen counters. 

Maybe wants to get married. I’ll take a “maybe” at this point. That’s good enough. I know well enough by now that you can’t change a man, BUT a little persuasion is ok.

Definitely wants kids. I actually prioritize this over the marriage thing.  Why? Well: (1) because I don’t know that I can stand being with someone for the rest of my life.  Ha!  It’s been a LONG time since a man has some into my life and made me think otherwise.  And (2) I am confident that I would like to have kids.  Haven’t given up on that yet so I’d like to meet someone who has kids in their future plans as well.

Beach house.  I am the farthest thing from a gold digger. But those who know me know that my dream is to have a house on the beach. Well on my way to buying the darn thing myself, but if a man has a house on the beach, that will definitely score some points.

Appreciates the amazingness of sleeping in on a Saturday.  I wake up at a disgusting hour to workout before work and my workdays are long, fast paced chaos and pretty taxing mentally. So when Friday rolls around I am beat. I have NO shame sleeping in past 12 noon on a Saturday if there is nothing that requires me to be up.  I need someone who understands that. If he feels the need to wake up at 6 am on a Saturday it is not going to work.  I actually stopped seeing a guy after a few weeks because all he wanted to do was wake up early on Saturdays and go on a hike or hang out.  True story. I wish I was kidding.

A man that fishes.  It’s funny because I see memes on social media hating on men with photos of them holding fish in their profiles. Apparently many women think that is a turn off.    I think that’s a huge plus. Growing up fishing was the way I bonded with my dad, boy cousins and uncle, and they are all great men. So fishermen are A- okay in my book and I think a fishing date would be the best.   In fact, my dating profile has a photo of me holding a fish:

Close with their family and/or has a big family.  I am very close with my parents.  Possibly too close.  They live a two minute drive away from me.  And being an only child I like the idea of being with someone with a big family.

Savvy with electronics.  I need a mate with these skills because I am one of the most technology challenged 30 somethings you will ever meet.  Granted sometimes I surprise myself and I get by at work just fine.  But as far as setting up printers, an internet router or a new phone, those things that give me the worst anxiety.  I have had the same TV, cable box and DVD player since 2012 when my ex I was living with and I broke up.  I dare not touch anything and pray that everything keeps working until I find a tech savvy male companion.

Handy and can fix things.    This seems to be a dying art, especially among our millennial generation. It would be nice to have a capable, can fix things around the house and work on the car type of man.  I agree with Mick here, this is a rare find.  And one that also gives organisms…. That is male unicorn. I am sure Mick is quite popular on Hinge.

CONDITIONALLY APPROVED

For every 5 “Deal-Makers”, a potential mate has, they are allowed one of these “conditionally approved” less than desirable traits….

Skips leg day. Approval will be given to men who have naturally buff legs. I am sick of having buffer legs than the men I date. If you’ve seen me in person you know that the bar here is set very high here, despite me being 5’1” and about 110 lbs (80 of which are in my legs).

Thinks Will Ferrell is funny.   He is not.  I will fight you on this.

Men who get manicures and pedicures. I have to preface this with the fact that I have never in my life, with the exception of the one time I got French manicured acrylic nails in middle school, had a manicure or pedicure. It would be strange to have a S.O. who goes to the nail salon when I wouldn’t even know what to do if I stepped foot in one. 

Men who get Botox, fillers etc.  I can’t have you being prettier, younger looking and less wrinkled than me. Unless you are my legitimately younger boy toy.  That’s another story.  And if you’re going to insist on getting work done, we are at least going to get it together and make a date out of it.

I COULD CARE LESS:

If you’re still with me and have gotten this far you probably think I am extremely picky, superficial, and unrealistic.  So now for a list of a few things that I really don’t care about to try and redeem myself…

What kind of car the guy drives.  A fancy car is nice and I understand that for some men it is a well deserved toy they gift themselves. Totally fine. I respect that but I don’t seek it out.  In fact I have dated a guy without a car at one point.

The amount of money he makes.  In other words, I would never consider being wealthy a deal maker.  As long as he has a career that he is passionate about and the salary allows him to live normal life (i.e. has place to live, can pay bills, not in debt) that is enough for me.

What the guy wears.  Sure it’s nice when a man puts an effort into how they look.  And I’m not saying it doesn’t catch my eye, but fashion sense is just not on my list of must haves.  It is what’s underneath the clothes that matters.  I mean that both literally and figuratively.  Not in that order.  Okay, maybe in that order.

Bald. There are certain men who pull of the bald (or shaved head because they are balding) look. Wow, the twenty something year old me can’t believe that I am okay with dating bald men.  Crazy how things change when there are slim pickings out there.

If the guy is hairy. I know a lot of women are grossed out by back hair or super hairy legs.  Having dated a lot of Middle Eastern men this doesn’t bother me at all.  My tolerance level for fuzzy backs is high!

THE SEARCH GOES ON. AND SO DOES THE LIST.

The problem is that after you’ve dated as much as I have you start to find little ideal qualities in each man you come across and they stick in your brain.  They end up piling up to become this incredibly long and unattainable wish list.  On the flip side: having dating so many men, I’ve also accumulated quite the “no-no” list and those deal breakers pile up as well.  So I’m hoping to trick a decent man into sticking around sometime soon or this list is going to get even more ridiculously long.  I suppose a few years from now I’ll have to do a round two of this post.

I can assure you this post is not nearly as depressing as it sounds.  Also, I do plan to get back at this blogging thing and bring everyone some more lighthearted, you-can’t-make-this-shit-up content of #thisiswhyisam(STILL)single.  I know I’ve been failing miserably at keeping this current, but given the worldly events this past year or so it just didn’t seem like the time to be posting about my dating woes and poor pity (still) single me status. I know this past year has been extremely difficult for many and that my dating struggles pale in comparison to what so many people and their families have gone through.  However, I also knew expressing myself here would be not only therapeutic for me but also that some readers would enjoy and relate to the vulnerability of this “The Year I Gave Up” post and find some humor in it as well.  So, here we are….a peak into how I have been doing as a single woman in her 30’s trying to keep the faith and find a way to not die alone amidst a global pandemic.  This long, strange last year (#thanksCOVID) was the year I mentally gave up on dating.  I say this because  in this last year  I…..

… got a third cat.  Read that again.  I GOT A THIRD CAT this year.  If that doesn’t scream “I give up!”, I don’t know what does.  The fact that a woman has one cat already earns her the title “Crazy Cat Woman” and drop her two points on the attractiveness scale.   Three cats?… well that’s enough to send most men running for the hills.  But when presented with the opportunity to adopt and save my most recent fur child Shrimp, I considered the fact that I hadn’t had a boyfriend since 2013 and said  “Screw it! What’s one more cat!”  As I sit here writing this, she’s on the desk sticking her cute little butt in my face and I don’t regret the decision at all.  Funny story about her is that Shrimp was originally named Oliver but after 8 months of having “him” I took “him” to the vet to get fixed and come to find he was a she. I even failed at trying to bring another (fur) man into my life.  Cursed.   

…started writing this blog again.  Let’s be honest:  most men are not going to want to date a woman with a blog titled “This is Why I am Single”.  I realize that.  Yet here we are. You’re reading a blog I wrote.  And I’m still single.  Coincidence… I think not! Ha!  I chose to pick back up on this blog because after this year I really don’t give a f***.  I know many people get some laughs out of what comes out of my head and  that brings me joy so that’s enough.   Admittedly part of me is secretly hoping that there is some man out there who finds the humor in the blog and admires my honestly, but I know most will not.   The chances of that man also liking cats is 1:1,000,000, if not worse. 

…. hit the sperm donor deadline (35) and didn’t pull the trigger.  Since becoming single in my late 20’s I started to joke about 35 being the year that if I was still single, I would just give up and get a sperm donor.  With my 35^th birthday having come and gone this year I have to say that milestone year came way faster than I thought.   I made the executive decision to change the new deadline to 40 but I honestly think I will be in the same place as I am now. This year was the year I started to struggle with wondering what I even wanted anymore.  Do I want a man and eventual husband?  Do I want kids?  Do I want to be left alone for the rest of my life and just get more cats and invite over the occasional boy toy? The latter seems the most plausible.

….I’ve started to prepare for buying a house. Alone. On my own- no man, no child.  Three cats. Not the way I thought it would be.  Last summer got the notion in my head that I wanted a house in Sunset Beach basically steps away from the beach. So that’s the goal.   I see myself living out my years as a single, excessively tanned cougar, and crazy cat woman. I’ve started the process of fixing up my condo so that I can sell it and get max value.  It’s been a bit of a bittersweet hard pill to swallow.  I thought I would meet someone while living here and that my next living arrangement would be with them. But now, I think I’ll just buy the damn house myself.

…adopted mostly negative thoughts about dating I can’t get over.    I think everyone is a little borderline depressed right now.  Especially us single people living on their own.  That does not make for a good time to meet someone and start a relationship. This was the year I realized I wasn’t really trying anymore. I would be getting ready for a first date (which during the height of COVID meant a walk or hike or something outside) and the whole time I would be thinking “why am I doing this?”, or “I know I’m not even going to like this guy”.  Some might argue I am jinxing the date before it even happens but try to put yourself in my shoes. I am 8 years into this online dating thing without much success, aside from some great stories (#yourewelcome), so those negative thoughts are hard to quiet in my brain.

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve had a great date with the butterflies and the chemistry. I need a little glimmer of hope. But it is like the chicken and egg.  You have to get yourself out there to hunt down that glimmer.  And you have to keep trying knowing that those good dates that leave you wanting more really rare.  My last date I went on he asked me to stand up (in the middle of the outdoor dining area during dinner) so that he could get a good view of my butt.  I was not mad, as I work hard on that thing, but definitely turned off.  That was the first and last date with this clown despite him being VERY much my type physically.  See mom….I’m evolving. Ha!

… stopped chasing gorgeous men.   This past year I found myself being a lot less inclined to swipe right or “like” super good-looking men.  Starting to think I should lower the bar and perhaps aim for a solid 7 who likes lifting weights, fishing, and wants a future together.  Calling all decent looking, buff fishermen! Don’t get me wrong, my head still turns on the rare occasion that I see a nice piece of man meat out in the wild, and I still swipe right on the occasional action figure looking buff personal trainer just to see if I still got it and if I can get a match up.  But I no longer take those men seriously or consider them someone I would want to spend my energy on.  I’ve spent so many years seeking and going out with pretty men and it has gotten me nowhere.    I suppose I could make a 365 day pull away calendar with all their photos and it would be a top seller.  How many takers would I have for that?  DM me ladies 😉

… have gone full days without swiping.  I used to swipe on dating apps during any downtime in the day. At the grocery store in line? Swiping!  At a red light? Swiping away!  Waiting for the next coffee to brew… swiping.  But lately even that seems exhausting and pointless.  With COVID the last year there’s been a change in the interaction level on the apps.  Pre-COVID you would typically match up and least exchange a few words online and then never talk again.  With COVID now you match and never say even a word to one another (or no one responds to the first message) and then you move on with your lives.  It’s basically just a little game now of finding strangers you find hot and trying to see if they find you hot too.  And then you’re done. Game over. Move on.  Doesn’t sound very fun, does it?

….am no longer amused by online dating.  This past year or so I think everyone is sort feeling blah. As a result there are very few overly confident men dropping cringe worthy pick up lines and using vulgar refences in their profile blurbs.  Quite frankly… I’m bored.  And I can’t believe I am saying this, but I almost miss getting a tasteless, yet clever first line like “You’re like my pinky toe, I would bang you on every piece of furniture in the house”, or the random dick picks (See prior Dick Pic and First Message Hall of Fame posts).   A girl can’t even get hit on and grossed out and die laughing anymore.  Online dating has lost its characteristic flare.   I think COVID might have killed the dick pic.  I guess a sick part of me kind of liked the burn of how bad online dating really was pre- COVID.  Don’t get me wrong though… it’s still horrible, just horrible and boring now.

….Became (even more) okay with being alone. 

I’m an only child so having alone time is something that I am very used to and something that I also find sacred.  This year has solidified that even further.   When I really think about it I am not sure if I even want a significant other.  Maybe like once or twice a week to hang out with?   And then leave me alone the rest of the week with the exception of a few “good morning beautiful” texts. But none of the ”GM” text shorthand crap the fuckboys use.  I want the words spelled out, like you mean it. 

….I stopped going on first dates.  I do interviews instead. I don’t do first dates consisting of dinner, activity, “adventure”-fill in the blank.   After 8 years of first dates, I am exhausted and it honestly makes me cringe thinking of all the time I wasted and the uncomfortable-  “what am I doing here?” situations I put myself in over the years.   I would much rather just do a first interview screening with a very simple during the week meet-up for a coffee, drink or maybe even a walk somewhere well lit I can escape from easily.   If we hit it off, then we plan the real first date.  I feel like the men should be okay with this too given that they are not having to shovel out a bunch of money for dinner and drinks for someone they might not ever see again.  I do make rare exceptions to this “no first dates” rule, but that requires a strong gut feeling that there will be some chemistry there.

…I’ve also lost all motivation for getting dolled up.  After more than a year of being holed up in my condo with the exception of grocery store and gym trips the thought of having to go out and meet up with a perfect stranger seems a little like a chore.  And on top of that, I have to put on pants?  And a full face of makeup?  And shave?  And be social.  Gosh… I think I’ll just die alone. Not worth it.

But with all of the above from this year I am trying to keep the faith that maybe by some miracle when I least expect it (you married/non-single people just love that phrase  #eyeroll)  my dating life will turn around and I don’t have to make my 40^th birthday my next “screw it! I will just get sperm donor” milestone.  Things are starting to open back up. I have both my shots and I have to get back out there because I am in need of material for this blog.  I don’t think you all want to read a bunch of posts about my three cats.  Though some people on social media seem to make a living out of posting about their cats. I think it’s either sperm donor or starting an Instagram account for Nacho, Shrimp and Marley if I am still single at 40. Or both!  Time will tell.

Within the last roughly two years since I left off actively writing this blog I have had some very strange, unfortunate and/or unique dating experiences. This post will bring you all up to speed on what I’ve been up do.

The Pleasure Room…. 50 shades of “sorry that’s not for me“.

I met this guy online who on paper was perfect:  self-made successful real estate investor and entrepreneur, educated, witty, family oriented, wanted commitment etc.  And he was gorgeous on top of that.  Muscular build, dark hair, green eyes, great smile. We talked on the phone before meeting up and hit it off great.  First date was amazing – dinner and walk around Santa Monica beach path to watch the sunset. Second date I agreed to meet him and one of his houses in Palmdale, which was somewhat conveniently located on my way back home from Bakersfield where I was lucky enough to spend the day doing sales calls. I know… second date and I’m going to someone’s house… judge me all you want.  But I had already spent the day in Bakersfield so the “keeping it classy” ship had sailed for the day.  Sorry to those offended by that. We had agreed to take a walk around the lake when I got there and then hop in the pool. He gives me his address and as I drive by the house I think “there is no way in hell this is his house!”.  I wish you all could have seen this “house”.  It was not a house. It was a full on mansion with a courtyard and winding quarter mile long driveway.  I park, we say our hellos and he gives me a tour of the house.  Words could not do it justice but I’ll leave you all with this… there was a freaking pool…. inside the house! And it was covered with a dome shape, almost cathedral like glass ceiling.  It was unreal to me that a guy in his early thirties would own this house.   It ended up being a really fun evening with a walk, dip in the pool and then hot cocoa and cuddling on the balcony.

From there we had a series of other great dates. Most of which were after my work days which I would purposely schedule sales calls in the LA area and then I would meet him in the Hollywood or Larchmont area, where he had a few homes he owned that he was fixing up to flip.  Again, mansions with gorgeous interiors and pools and jacuzzis we would relax in after hitting the gym or talking a walk around the area and getting dinner.  It was sort of unreal.  I found myself thinking, “I could not have gotten this lucky” and “hetre has to be something wrong with this guy who is successful, intelligent, wants commitment, likes working out, and actually likes me back”.     

 And then….. things got weird.  In hindsight I had always thought there was something a little odd about him. Sort of secretive. Trust your gut ladies.  After several weeks he starts to let me in on the fact that he is really into dominatrix stuff.  Being dominated, belittled, bossed around and even humiliated by the woman he is with was big sexual fantasy of his.  And he wanted me to partake in this and get satisfaction out of it because I was a “hard working successful woman and after a long day I deserved to be worshipped by my man”.  His words guys, not mine.  He would randomly send me erotic cartoons of a woman standing over a man kneeling on the floor with a collar and a leash on.  Or of a man tied down and a woman with a whip.  He would also send me little short erotic stories to he wanted me to read about men groveling at their woman’s feet and being her sexual servant.    To say I was thrown off by this was an understatement. Those of you who know me personally know that I am a little alpha (okay, maybe more than a little) in my work life and overall personality,  but being the alpha in the bedroom is not my thing.  So being a dominatrix was not going to be happening.   I resisted in participating or even suggesting that I would be okay with any of his little fantasies, but he kept persisting, insisting that I would like it. The final straw and when I knew I had to cut my loses on Mr. Rich & Good Looking was when he told me that one of the rooms in the Palmdale mansion was his “pleasure room”.   For anyone who is familiar with the 50 Shades of Grey series, you know what I am talking about. Only this scenario would have been reversed where I would be the one in control of the whips, chains, and various torture devices and I was not up for that role. After some internal debate of whether I was crazy to let an otherwise perfect man go, I broke things off with him using the excuse that “we are just NOT (nor will ever be) on the same page sexually”.  I never did see the pleasure room.  Actually do kind of wonder what it looked like.

The Double Life? Still confused about this one.

I had met this guy John online (common name so I’ll name drop here, plus we do NOT talk anymore). There was a definite instant physical attraction and he was smart, witty and interesting.   I knew it in the first conversations and definitely the first date I was going to get hooked.  We talked everyday,  saw each other several times a week for a few months and he even convinced me to get an Apple Watch since he had one so that we could compete daily on who killed their workout more and who took more steps. We had fun dates like hiking the Hollywood sign and going on motorcycle rides.  There was something off about him though and he openly admitted it (or made the story up… who knows?).  He said he had been in a horrible car accident that resulted in him being in a comma for 30 + days. When he woke up from it, he had to re-learn everything and apparently suffered to this day with memory loss of both past and more recent events.  Our second date he warned me to be prepared that he would repeat things but not to call him out on it as he was sensitive about it. I did notice it a handful of times but didn’t say anything. 

Things were going well between he and I until one weekend.  We had plans to get together than Saturday but then all of the sudden is his “sister was flying into town and he needed to spend time with her”.  I thought this was extremely odd as I knew he had a strained relationship with his entire family.  So we reschedule to Sunday night planning to get together for dinner.  The entire damn day goes by and I don’t hear from him so around 6 pm I start text him to ask if we are still on for that night. Zero response.  Crickets.  So I call and have to leave a voicemail.  Finally, around 7:45pm he texts me back. I wish I still had the conversation, but I deleted it.  But it read something like “I have been out riding my motorcycle and I get home and have all these aggressive texts from you telling me what to do. You are trying to be the alpha and we can’t both be the alpha so this is not going to work out. I should have known that. We would never work out”.  This was super out of left field and I was caught off guard.  I know I can be a bit alpha but I was not connecting the dots here on why he got so upset.  I attempted to explain that we had set up plans and that I was wondering why the hell he disappeared and was unresponsive but that seemed to make him more mad.  But I don’t tolerate being mistreated and at this point I am thinking “this guy is off his rocker” so I responded with something like “okay I guess you are right and things are over”.  My little Spring romance was over and couldn’t quite tell you why. 

A few months later I am scrolling through Facebook on my phone, and as the app always seems to do when you don’t need that shit in your life,  they send me a pop up of “People you might know” and I see his profile.  We were never “friends” when we were seeing each other as he was apparently not an active user.  So of course, being the glutton for punishment that I am, I poke around on his “About” page and it say he’s married to _______ (won’t name names) since May 2019. He and I cut things off April 2019. This dude was married 1 month later?!?!?!   Of course I skim through her profile and there are not only recent couples photos of them, but there are also photos with two little girls.  Children?  His children?  Who the heck knows!   Super strange and I still don’t know what went on here.  Was I the second woman on the side the whole time?  Is that why he blew me off so suddenly with some lame ass “you’re too alpha” excuse? Or did he marry her literally 1 month after breaking things off with me? Maybe he really was that crazy. I still scratch my head about this one.  Maybe due to the memory loss thing he didn’t realize he was dating two women at once? Yes! That must have been it.  I was not played.  Ha! This will serves as my lesson to not date men with “Cocky” tattooed across their stomach. That was a definite red flag I chose to ignore.

The competition with the 55 year old. Lost twice. Still bitter.

Yes, you read that correctly. This tale started when I met this cute guy on Bumble and turns out we were basically neighbors, living a one minute drive from one another in HB. We also had similar sleep schedules, waking up at 3:45am each morning, him for work and me for the gym before work.  We’d text each other every morning to complain about being up at that awful time.  We had an undeniable connection from the get go.  It was the most effortless coupling I had experienced since my long term ex who I dated for 8+ years.   I was 100% myself around this guy and he seemed to like every bit of sass and strong willed tendency of mine.  I was drawn to his extremely laid back personality, the fact that he worked his ass off doing long hours at work, and he also went to gym with me which helped to win me over.  He was also a really good communicator.  Honest.  In fact too honest.  See a few weeks into our Spring-Summer romance he tells me that when he moved out here from Chicago he got involved with an older woman (55!!!) and that they were involved for quite some time.  He was 32 please note.  He wanted to be honest with me that was the last “relationship” he had been in, but that it was over.  Did I think it was strange?  For sure I did.  I thought immediately of a WILF with fake boobs who had taken him in as her boy toy and that it could not possibly be a healthy, normal relationship.  But, I tried not to be judgmental and plus I really liked this guy, so I did not think too much of it. 

What I did not know is that he was still seeing her.  The whole time he was seeing me.  Although we never had the “we are official” conversation, I trusted him and I am not the jealous type (I don’t have time for that) so I did not think or question whether she might still be in the picture.  He and I would have serious conversations about “what do you want in life?” and “do you want to be married/have kids etc” and when it got to that point he dropped the bomb on me one night that he was still seeing her and just couldn’t break from her “mentally”. I was heartbroken.  I drove myself home that night crying and called my mom to vent about how men suck and about how this was the first guy I had intense feelings for in as long as I could remember and he’s all the while been seeing a 55 year woman behind the scenes and essentially picking her over me.  I woke up the next morning, had a huge cup of coffee AND pre-workout and had a killer leg workout and was able to convince myself I was fine. I had picked myself up from worse before and while what he did hurt and pissed me off I wasn’t going to dwell.  Cut him off pretty cold turkey with a few interactions via text here and there.  

 Flash forward to November, he had moved to Redondo and we really started talking again and we decided to meet up.  I was so excited to see him again thinking that maybe we could make things work, however in the back of my mind I was thinking that he had  not broken it off with her but I figured I would ask in person.  We had a great night walking to the Redondo Beach fish market to get dinner.  We went back to his place and while sitting on the couch I say “Well, you knew I was going to ask you this… have you been seeing her?”.  And this guy, honest to a fucking fault, looks me in the eye and goes “Yeah, she’s been here a few times”.  I’m like “Here, here? Like this same damn couch I am sitting on here?”.  Fuck I was so mad and sad and let down at the same time. I expressed to him how bummed and pissed I was and left shortly after.   I felt stupid I had opened myself up again to him and got burned. ****For the record for anyone thinking this: I did not sleep with this guy. So in my defense, he did not know what he was missing.  I wanted to clear the air on that! Ha! Should I have just seduced him and made him realize what he was missing? Possibly. In fact, I think the fact that we had not slept together made this even more traumatic for me because took things really slow and it seemed to have made me fall harder for him. Little did I know he was having sex with the 55 year old the whole time and not me. Nice.  Until very recently this guy and I were still talking and I am honestly still bitter and torn up over this one. However I’m a prideful woman and after much internal debating on giving this guy a third chance to make it right, I think that I just can’t.  I don’t like that I was second choice.  Twice.  Against a 55 year old.  Yikes, did I just openly share that with you all? Ugh.

The former boss. 

I alway say “never burn those bridges” when it comes to my professional life.  I did not know this rule of thumb would transcend into my personal life.  Flashing back in time to get this story started…  Back when I was 21 years old I had a paid internship, and my first real job in the food industry, at a tofu/ frozen vegetarian meal manufacturing company. It was founded and run by a fun group of late 20/early 30 year olds.  The owner was married at the time and actually his wife was running the company alongside him. It was a fun place to work and they put a lot of faith in a 21 year old Food Science grad student, letting me do product development,  reverse engineering of recipes, and sourcing of ingredients and more.   The internship was only about 6 months, but I kept in touch every once in a while, seeing the owner and/or his wife at food expos here and there.

Now flash forward to this past year I get an Instagram DM from the from the former owner of the company.  We get to talking and catching up turns out he is since divorced and living very nearby me in Sunset Beach area.   We made a date to meet up for drinks and taco Tuesday in Sunset.  I honestly didn’t know what to expect. The meet up was fun.    Conversation was great and naturally flowing since there was a past and familiarity there.  For me there was not necessarily a romantic vibe but it was nice to have a fun night out with a great guy and with someone I knew from my past and who knew me.  So lesson here being: keep it cordial  when you leave a job. It’s a small world and you never know if years later your former boss is going to side into your DM’s.

The “I’m moving for work” phenomena.

You will be hard pressed to find a woman who has had as many strokes of bad luck and tough breaks when it comes to dating.  As if finding someone you are compatible with isn’t hard enough, I for whatever reason have also been hit with what I will call the “sorry I’m moving for work” phenomena twice within this past year.   Fairly recently I started to hang out with this really sweet, cute, hardworking Italian guy who I had met online.  This was right around the time that Covid-19 was getting worse and the quarantine and the closing of everything was starting.  Yes, I kept up the dating game throughout this pandemic.  I mean business people.  I got rings to get and babies to make before I am 40!  Time’s a wasting!  We got together several times and were hitting it off quite nicely having a good time with one another.  Not saying this was my soulmate (if that even exists anymore I am not so sure), but I was willing to see where things would go.  He also seemed like a really nice, honest guy.  After several weeks he mentioned a work opportunity in Iowa being offered to him and that it would be a good step to take in order to advance his career. By no means were we anything official and I felt no right to say anything except “ you should think about taking it! ” and wish him the best.  I also felt in my gut that he would take it based on what he had told me so far about his work life and current situation.  This pending move coupled with the weirdness of the Coronavirus prompted us to go our separate ways.  Soon after I found out that he did in fact make the move.  

My other experience with the moving phenomenon came with the same guy who was seeing the 55 year woman on the side.  Around July, several months into us hanging out he shared with me that he was being relocated for work to Northern California in October and he did not have a choice.    At the time I was not aware the 55 year was still in picture and I was heartbroken and very attached and seriously considering just trying to make something work with him.  I was thinking I would come visit and maybe a little in denial that the move wouldn’t really happen.  He used the significant likelihood that he would be moving as a reason that we should take it slow and not get too attached.  Again, little did I know he was not taking it slow with the 55 year old at the same time.   After several changes in plans caused by re-structing of departments at his job it was ultimately decided that he would not be moving in the fall.  This then prompted him to come clean to me about the 55 year old and all went to shits and he ended up moving out of Huntington to Redondo, which many of you know with traffic might as well be Northern California. 

Car towing incident. The perfect way to end a date.

While visiting the Long Beach apartment of the aforementioned cute Italian guy one night there was no parking on the street.  He told me that I could park in an open lot outside a closed down restaurant near his house and that he parked there all the time.  Recall this was around COVID-19 time and all restaurants are closed. I figured it would be fine as there were a few other cars in the lot as well.  We hung out, talked about our workdays, watched a movie, etc…. trying to keep this semi P.G. as I know mom is reading.  Hi mom!  When it was time to leave for me to get home to bed he walks to me my car.  Or rather…. Where my car WAS.  The feeling of walking over to parking lot in the dark and seeing nothing where your car had previously been parked is a total out of body experience.  Instantly I was thinking “shit did my car get stolen?” “did I not lock it?” “OMG Toyotas get stolen all the time”.    I really did panic for a minute.  Then took a breath and we both looked up to a light pole that had a towing sign on it warning that non-patrons of the restaurant would be towed.  In my defense: recall he had told me he had parked here many times before and other cars had been parked there.  I called the number on the sign and confirmed that yes, they did in fact have my dark silver Corolla and that I could come and pick it up.  Honestly, I was relieved that I still had a car.  Fucking pissed it got towed, but happy that it was  not stolen.  He drove me the towing place where I paid the $380 to get my car back and gave the guy at the garage a nasty look.  In writing this I realized this was the last time I saw this cute Italian guy before he moved. This night reminded me of the 405 flat tire incident driving home from a bad date in LA back in 2015 but even more fun (sarcasm). And more expensive. Again, best luck in dating ever.

The time I was a promo model for a cannabis/vape company.  

This is a bonus, non dating related “you can’t make this shit up”.  Last summer I was laying on the beach in Sunset Beach, in a skimpy bikini just minding my own business and this late 40 -something surfer dude looking guy comes up to me and goes, “Excuse me, please don’t think I am a creep or anything, but have you ever thought about modeling?”. The exact words out of my mouth were “Honey, I am 34 years old and 5’1”.  So no”. I said this with a smile and it got a laugh out of him. His name was Charlie, and he then went on to further explain that he was the Director of Sales for Pure Vape, a cannabis vape and THC lozenges company, and he was looking for promo models, or “brand ambassadors” rather, and that I looked the part. Ha!  Mind you, I have smoked week the grand sum of I believe 10 times in my life, all of which were years ago, along with one very scary and strange with edibles.  We chatted for a bit about the gig, he gave me is card and then left me alone.

I thought about it that night and I figured “what the hell, might as well give it a try and learn about something new!” It would entail that I work the Pure Vape pop up booth at various dispensaries across Southern California promoting whatever promo of the week they were having on their Pure Vape products and “Wally Drops” THC lozenges line. And it was more than just standing there and trying to look good. There was a heavy sales component to it too because you had to get people to engage with you, come to the booth, and allow you to talk to them about the promos and try to make the sale. So my experience in sales and willingness to strike up a conversation with anyone helped a lot. We did our first event together but 1 hour in Charlie just lets me go and do my thing. So there I am at the MMD Dispensary in Long Beach with little actual firsthand experience with cannabis/weed (whatever you choose to call it!) and having never used a vape pen, selling vape cartridges named Green Crack, Gorilla Glue, and Wiz OG, and advising people on whether they need an Indica, Sativa, or Hybrid strain.  Cracks me up even thinking about it right now.   I really can BS my way through anything!  The whole experience was intriguing for the science nerd in me because I got to learn about cannabis processing and how each shipment to the dispensary comes with paperwork “COA’s” for those of you familiar with the term.  But the more I thought about it, the experience was also a little depressing as there were people coming into the dispensary blowing their last $20 on vape cartridges or weed. It was something that I could not see myself doing long term, or even short term for that matter, even if it was extra cash on the side. So I had to tell my buddy Charlie that this “modeling” gig just wasn’t for me.  He was bummed, thinking that he was eventually going to turn me into one of their top sales people. But I’ve learned my lesson trying sales now twice before that it is not for me.  Now I have this fun little story to tell to my future kids I have with my sperm donor about how I was once a model. Might leave out the fact that it was for a cannabis company.

This post is for every woman who has ever participated in the wonderful world of online dating.  I am lucky (*cursed*) to be coming up on my eighth year now and in that time I’ve made some key observations of men’s profiles. These are things that I am sure other women who have online dated have thought, but maybe not said out loud.  Well here I am spelling them out…

Why do so many men have creepy bathroom and awkward angle selfies? Do they believe this is flattering and shows them in their best light? This boggles my mind because us women know damn well what our best angles are. We know which way to stand, how to tilt our head, how to hold our arm and which version of our smile to use to make us look our best and we pull all of those off simultaneously all while flexing and/or sucking it in to get a profile worthy photo. And then from men, we get this:

Why is every man looking for someone to go on “adventures” with? Within the last few years this has become the go-to tag line. Don’t believe me…..

Even the couples are looking for an adventure….

Why is it so F-ing difficult for men to answer easy questions?  See, online dating is supposed to go as follows: two people match up, depending on the site one of them initiates contact with an intro message and then you two exchange back and forth conversation, often involving questions to help you get a better understanding of whether the other party can (1) form sentences and (2) that they seem sane and interesting enough to make you want to make plans to meet them in person.  However this nice plan doesn’t work when the men can’t answer the simplest of fucking questions!  Why is this such a challenge? Is it selective information absorption? Can you all not read? If I had a nickel for every time I sent a simple question like “where are you from?, “what gym do you work out at?”, “what do you do for work?”, “do you have pets?”, or even the standard “how was your day?” and the guy replies back something completely unrelated, ignores the question altogether, or just asks me a question back, I would have enough money to pay the $15,000 fee that Kelleher International charges for their match making service and maybe I’d meet someone decent and serious about finding love. That’s a whole other blog post, but I will have to share sometime about my experiences with getting set up with some of that match making firm’s paying members.

We get it men. You hate drama. And “positive vibes” only. Us women must be really hard to deal with these days because I see this more and more. And we know we are a handful and these warnings are not deterring us at all.

Where have all the dick pics gone?  I’m serious on this one. Hear me out…I am not saying I miss them. But I am perplexed.  Like did men all of the sudden realize that sending a photo of their penis is quite possibly the worst way to try and score points.  It’s been a good two years since I have gotten one and it used to be a monthly thing.  I am almost concerned.  What if men are secretly plotting an even worse tactic? Not sure what that possibly could be. Yet, there are is still the occasional one of these clever tricks that make you again ask yourself ” does this really work for them?”

Are there really men who are 5’3” out there?  Yes.  Yes there are.  And they come at me like flies because I am a whopping 5’1” and they think the odds are good.  But I can’t.  I just can’t.  After dating 6’+ men basically my whole life, when you put a petite man like that in front of me, I don’t know what to do.    Sorry guys, but  if you don’t have your height in your profile, we already know you are less than 5’ 7”.  And if you have 5’7” on there, you are really 5’6”, on a tall day. On the other end of the spectrum I have realized through trial and error that my anatomical limit is 6’2″. With a man taller than that I feel like I am a kid climbing a jungle gym when in the bedroom. Sorry mom. Lastly, there too many men with reference to their height in heels on their profiles. How do they know? And I know this all sounds very superficial and a little unfair, but you ladies feel me on this. I will say I am glad that cup size is not a criteria for women’s profiles. I’d be lying on that for sure!

Why must men abuse the profile question prompts? Is this related to your all’s inability to answer questions? I get it that some men are trying to be clever here but after the 100th “I’ll fall for you if….. you trip me”… it gets a bit old. Other men don’t seem to be able to comprehend the questions. This is your opportunity to show your best side guys. If the prompt question is to tough for you, pick a different one. I guess this is a good literacy check that us women can use to our advantage. Lastly, there are the ones who love the “Two truths and a lie” prompt. Always a great way to sneak in a dick reference.

How are you going to match up with me/like my photo/send me a message on this site, but have ignored me altogether on the other site? Do I really look that similar to every other blonde female in Orange County? (don’t answer that). I’ve never even had a Pumpkin Spice Latter and I’ve never owned Ugg boots. I’d also like to think there are some definite differentiating factors on my profile, but… that would assume that men read. Us women don’t forget things. We will remember that back in 2014 we sent you a message and you didn’t reply. And here you are trying to get at it in 2020 like that never happened. Sorry dude. Only if you have the trifecta of tall, dark and muscular are you getting a second chance.

Does this vulgar stuff really work for them? I can’t imagine, because it makes me want to throw up in my mouth. What if your mothers saw this stuff? Gross. But notice, he adds the ” 🙂 ” at the end to make it seem less disgusting.

Why are their so many personal trainers and engineers online dating?  And where are the engineers who look like personal trainers? If anyone knows of one, please send my way. And can they please also have a personality? The last engineer I went on a date with I was bored to tears and literally could not finish my glass of wine fast enough. Ironically he had the nerve to text me after that date to tell me he “did not feel the spark”. Likewise buddy. Same. At least on a date with a personal trainer you learn some new workout tricks for the gym. And…. this is why I am single… because those are my priorities.

Where are these men getting all these glamour shots and head shots taken?  Was this a Groupon I missed out on?  You all are prettier than I am and that is a deal breaker. Like seriously, I swipe left on these guys thinking “I can’t keep up with this”.

What is it with all these dangerously good looking men (*with aforementioned head shots*) and completely unbelievable job titles? No one believes you are a Neuroscientist, Grant. Go back to acting. Maybe you can play one on TV someday.

Are there really that many men in the real world with face tattoos? Or is it just that a disproportionate number of them are single and online dating. Hmm…. Maybe that has to do with the face tattoo.  Just going out on a limb here.

What is it with the middle finger profile photos? This does not make you seem like someone us women would want to be around. It makes you seem like an immature jerk, not a tough guy. If you want to look like a badass, post a selfie of you and your cat. That is badass.

Men have very strong opinions on whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not. In fact I might just use this as my first message / line from here on out. Just start with a “how do you feel about pineapple on pizza?”. I’d probably get farther than I am now.

What does “Here for a good time, not for a long time” really mean?  You know how many men have this on their profiles?  A lot!  WTF does it mean?  Does “here” signify the dating site?  And I’m supposed to interpret it as “limited time offer”. I feel like messaging one of these guys and asking what this means. But they probably wouldn’t answer the question. 😉

How are there so many men who do not understand the art of keeping the conversation going? In the same sense that men seem to struggle with question answering, the same can be said about question asking.  Again, there is an art to keeping the conversation with a near stranger going so that you get to know that stranger. With many of the men I match with online the conversation (if you can call it that) is like pulling teeth. After years of this the plan to look into sperm donors at 35 is looking more like a reality. And a not far off reality as I approach that milestone in about 4 months. Yikes.

Do I need to have my Meyers- Briggs Type Indicator personality score on my profile too?  I keep seeing all these references to ENFP, INFJ, ISTJ, ESTP …..etc and I have no idea what they mean. I feel like this is the male friendly version of the astrological sign. Can someone just tell me which men am I supposed to look out for?  I don’t have time to read up on this. Is there a CliffsNotes version?    

How are there so many men in their late 30’s that have “not sure” in the “What are you looking for?” question?  What is it going to take? Another decade? Come on men in your 30’s!  Us women of the same decade can’t wait any longer. We’re sick of dating younger men who are cute but we can’t really see ourselves with longer term. And all the older men in their 40’s either have kids, don’t want to have kids, or can’t keep up.  PLEASE!!!! Figure it out!

This has been fun to get back into writing and venting in this blog. Promise to try and keep the content coming but focusing on quality, not quantity of the posts. Signing off now.  I have to go update all my online dating profiles to make me seem more adventurous. I will leave you all with a photo of a cock… in case it’s been a long time since you saw one.

THANKS FOR READING GUYS!

 

I am about one year in to this “new” job in sales and I cannot help but draw comparisons about how the skills I have learned and the scenarios I’ve experienced thus far are so damn similar to dating.  I made the career change thinking that it would be a new challenge and that it would bring me more free time and a more flexible schedule.  I was right about the challenge part.  I was extremely wrong about the more free time part as I am actually working longer hours and grinding harder than I was before when I worked in quality assurance in food manufacturing. Who would have thought!?!   For those who do not know what exactly it is that I do: I sell cleaning verification (ATP testing…. look it up) and food safety test supplies/systems and consumables to food and beverage manufacturers as well as to healthcare, environmental,  government industries etc….. I bravely and sort of naively took on the largest dollar value/revenue territory in the US for my company with close to no real sales experience. I’ve done pretty damn well  as a Territory Sales Manager thus far, partly due to the fact that I will out hustle anyone and I am persistent and personable (for the most part given that I am caffeinated and got my morning workout in).   But also, as silly as it sounds I honestly believe that years of  participating in dating and online dating gave me some vital skills that have helped me to succeed in sales.  And vise versa, I think having strong sales skills will help one to succeed in dating.  Let me explain….

Cold calling/first message

Picking up the phone and calling someone knowing that within the first 30 seconds you have to convince them that they should stay on the phone with you and hear you out about how you can help them is basically the same skill as sending a clever and engaging first message to the hot guy you came across on Match.com, Bumble, Tinder, POF, Ok Cupid…etc or walking up to a handsome stranger and convincing them that they need a little bit of you in their life. Many of the other sales managers in my company, even those who have been in the game for decades, dread cold calling and refuse to do it. I on the other hand love cold calling. I will cold call a company or someone I have basically no information on and confidently and pleasantly explain who I am, why I am calling and why they might need my product and why they should give me a chance to find out.  I have no shame. If they treat me like a dumb dime a dozen sales person and hang up on me, so what?  I will go about my day just fine. This ability to pull out a good tag line and the resilience to being blown off came in part from years of online dating.  I think everyone should have to do some sort of cold calling job at some point in their life. Builds character! I do not think everyone should have to experience online dating. That would just be cruel.

Finding new leads = scanning through profiles and swiping

I have been sifting through online dating profiles for 5+ long years now. At first it was fun. Like shopping in the clearance section in Marshall’s or Ross when you keep telling yourself you are going to find the perfect pair of pants for a steal. Now,  several years later the appeal of that process is gone. It’s exhausting and depressing.  Ironically I got myself into a job that requires you to find your own leads and most of that is done by scouring the internet. I am constantly digging up new prospects on Linked In, CareersinFood job postings, IFT newletters, and Instagram. Like online dating, most of the leads (men) I find are trash, but some are true diamonds in the rough.

It’s a numbers game.

While I would like to believe that we have a soulmate, after years of online dating and seeing just how many people are out there I have come to lean more toward the notion that the soulmate thing is complete B.S.   I do honestly believe that to be successful in online dating you have to put yourself out there and actually go on dates. A lot of them. That ups your chances of success and finding what you truly want.

(…..as much as I wished dating worked like this it does not. I do sometimes however leave the side door open just to make things a little easier on Mr. Right should he somehow find himself to my house.)

Same thing goes for a job in sales. You gather your leads, qualify them, put them on your pipeline and try to close them. It’s like funnel, large at the top with all your prospects and then it funnels down narrower to those you will actually close and convert to accounts. The more leads in your pipeline the greater number of successful closes you will have. Same thing goes for dating. Sure there is something to be said about quality over quantity but I do think you increase you odds of success by increasing your face time with potential mates and prospects.

The Emotional Roller Coaster Exists in Both

The highs and lows of both dating and a career in sales will beat you up emotionally and physically.  I am lucky enough (sarcasm) to be juggling both this past year.  It is due to the constant build up and let down of online dating that I am completely jaded and convinced that I will probably die alone. If I had a nickel for every time I told my friends or family excitedly “so I met this guy… “ and then a week later “just kidding mission aborted” I would be a self-made millionaire and I would not have to be running around all of Southern California trying to sell E. coli and Listeria detection swabs.

Working in sales I would argue is the same sort of ass kicking. You wake up to an email about a huge P.O. from a deal you have been working for the last six months and you think  “yes, today is going to be a good day!”. Flash forward to that same afternoon when you talk to a prospect who has decided that they are going to go with the competition and there goes your potential $40,000/year deal. After both a dating let down and the loss of a huge deal you just have to pick yourself up, drink a big ass cup of coffee, go lift some weights with some gangster rap blasting and tell yourself to keep up the grind. Okay, so not everyone has to do the coffee/weights/rap part. That is just how I choose to cope with the roller coaster of dating and sales.  I think most people in sales just drink their sorrows away.

First dates = first meetings/demos

First dates… many people dread them and get nervous. I honestly do not recall if I did at one point, but not now.  At this point I’m a veteran and they are just fact gathering interviews that I rarely get excited for, much like first meetings with a new lead. In fact, I think I get more aroused when meeting with a big dollar value potential account than a hot guy. Ya’ll are a dime a dozen and usually can’t pay my bills like locking down a good account will. In both first dates and first meetings there are the unavoidable first impressions and assumptions made. Even the build up process to both are the same…. the messaging back and forth, trying to get them commit some time to you (asking you out) and then trying to set up a date and time that works well for both parties. At the end of a first date, just like the end of a sales meeting, you must have what they call a “closer”. For instance “what are the next steps?”, “when should we connect again?”, and/or “when can I follow up with you?”.  It is  that verbal contract to keep moving forward with the process, assuming both parties want to. This is a skill one needs to master if they are going to get anywhere in sales or in dating.

 

“Don’t show up and throw up”

My new boss offered me up this piece of advice as I was preparing to go out and do first meetings/ demos on my own. I love this mantra and it’s been my favorite sales tip thus far. In the sales world this equates to: do not present or push too much at your prospect, let them talk, do not try and sell them every damn SKU you have. Actively listen to find their pain point, plant the seed of interest with how you will fix that for them, and leave them wanting more. Do not overwhelm them and be too in their face.

In the dating world “don’t show up and throw up”  is referring to not giving it all up on the first date, maintaining some sort of mystery there, and again, leave he /she wanting more. Could also in the very literal sense this tip suggests that you are to limit your number of drinks so as not to get sloppy and end up with your head in the toilet at the end of the night. I can semi- proudly say I have only done that once in my online dating past. Pretty damn good for someone who gets drunk off of one light beer if you ask me.

Is this a fit?

Trying to qualify a new lead is basically the same thing as running over the list of deal breakers and deal makers a prospective mate has and determining if there is potential for a business or personal relationship there, respectfully. This “qualification” process is what first dates or first meetings are for. Figuring out what they are looking for and if you are a fit. And also to see if they are ready and able to commit. In sales, this is finding out if they ready and able to put forth the money and the time to bring in your products. In dating this is determining if they are really looking to be with someone or if they just like the attention of someone being interested in them.  As far as the first impressions part: they say you can learn a lot about a man from his shoes. I do not know how true that is. Some validity to it I suppose.   This past year I have developed the sales equivalent: when I walk into a new company and use the bathroom (I drink copious amounts of coffee), if it is immaculately clean with nice soap, air fresheners and high end toilet paper, you know they have money. I am quoting them at retail.  If there is that pink soap  and single ply T.P. you know you are going to need to try a little harder to even get that significantly discounted price quote approved.

I know you are getting my voicemails and emails = WTF dude how are you leaving me on read you jerk?

Getting “ghosted” whether it be in the dating world or by your prospect is the worst. It is actually a sick form of irony that I got into sales and now have to deal with this “ghosting” phenomena in both my personal AND professional life. At work we recently had a “best practices” sales team meeting in which we talked about what to do when the lead you met with, provided quotes and demos to, and spent your valuable time on now will not respond to your repeated attempts to follow up via phone and email. We talked about potentially trying to call the company and ask for a different contact as a means to get to yours (the dating equivalent is texting the friend) , or even stopping by the company and paying a surprise visit with the “oh I just happened to be in the area” excuse (in the dating world this would be stalking the potential mate and lurking outside their work or house).   Another more sensible approach was to leave yet another message but this time more clearly reminding the prospect/man why they wanted to talk to you in the first place.  Example:  “Recall that I would be saving you $3,000/year”, or “ I’d like the opportunity to provide a more robust testing program with better customer service”. Or, in the dating world, texting the guy “We had amazing chemistry and conversation” followed by “please close your eyes and mentally recall how good my ass looked in those white jeans”.   Then you wait  🙂

In the dating game I have a hard time bringing myself to chase a man. I am little more flexible and persistent when it comes to my sales position. I will bite my pride and leave three voicemails and emails over the course of a few weeks and then give up by sending them “the break up email”. Yes, it’s really called that. You folks who are or have been in sales will know that. It is a really good tactic and one that I have applied few times in my dating life,  sending a text something to the extent of “can you just grow a pair and man up and tell me if you are interested any more or not?”.

(along the same lines…..) Are we doing this or what? I got sh*t to do.

Following up with a prospect and trying to make them move with a P.O. and skillfully doing so, without making it seem like you are bugging them is an art form. One that I admittedly have not really mastered and I do not enjoy. I don’t like chasing a deal or a man for that matter.  But sometimes people do really need an email or phone call for that extra push. Like” hey, you said you were going to present this quote to the boss last week, did you do that yet?”.

The men I meet dating often need the same push.  Like “where do you think this is going”, or “are you just looking to kill time and hang out with someone?”  I am really good at being able remove myself from a situation if I do not think it is going anywhere.  Is this why I am still single?  I am still working on getting better at this skill when it comes to sales.  My boss always says “go for the NO”, because it prevents you from wasting anymore time and energy on something that is not going to pan out anyways.  A valuable tip for both dating and sales.

Working in sales as well as being single and dating both require you to put up with flaky and shady people.  There are prospects who cancel on you literally the morning of the meeting because “something comes up” and you just have to take it and act polite when really you are steaming mad because they were part of the reason you drove all the way to stinky Bakersfield.  In the dating world it similar, but not quite the same.   There is a lot of the “we should hang out sometime soon” and then it never really happens because people are afraid or reluctant to actually meet up in person nowadays.  There are also a significant number of people who partake in online dating who are just doing it out of boredom to kill time and fill their day or get attention from others.

Pressure of not being single during the holidays = pressure of hitting your quarter numbers

Ah the dreaded quarterly sales target. You keep your eye on your quota number as the quarter progresses just hoping to have a stronger week than you did before, still thinking you’re doing pretty okay and then, BOOM! …..there are five shipping days left in the week and you are at 85%. Fuck. You need a hug and a miracle.

This is the dating equivalent of the season of pumpkin spice latte and uggs  rolling in and you look around and realize that you are single AF with maybe a few weeks left to find a man and con him into sticking around for the holidays so that you can bring someone to your crazy Thanksgiving and Christmas family dinners. The pressure is real.

I’ll admit to getting a little (okay, very) desperate as that last week of the quarter comes up and I am “dialing for dollars” as my boss would say. Pestering people to put the pressure on getting that P.O. in and offering 5% discounts if they’ll order before 12 noon on Friday. It’s a little sad. This is called “thirsty” in the dating world.  Thankfully I have considerably higher standards and morals when it comes to my dating life and have survived the last 6 holiday seasons single.  Though I will admit that hearing Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” does fuck me up every year.

Recycling: Digging up old flings= reviving old leads

Remember that guy with whom it just didn’t work out with that you had amazing chemistry with but the timing just wasn’t right (or he is and will forever be a fuckboy and just did not want to commit) , but you still have him in your phone? That guy is the lead that you visited a few times, who acted totally into getting your product. You talked about training and implementation but then the he/she will not answer your follow up calls or tells you that they cannot move forward right now but to reach out to them next year.  In times of weakness such as Valentines Day (dating world) and trying to hit end of quarter targets (sales world), it is extremely tempting to try and go back to and revisit these flings/dead leads.  You ask yourself “What if they changed?” and “what if they want me now?”.

 

I’m going to keep on hustling….

One year down doing the sales hustle.  I hope I figure out the trick to mastering sales faster than I did mastering dating, seeing as I have pretty damn single with a few false alarms over the past 6 years.   Giving it some time as things are finally starting to fall into place and I am hitting numbers.  Though if Mr. Right wants to come break into to my house soon and start to pay all my bills such that I don’t have to work, that would be just fine too.  Had a lot of fun (mild sarcasm) writing this post, recollecting on the how dating and sales are similar forms of torture.  But with both, you keep at it with the promise of the reward.

A little glimpse at sales me vs. dating me…..

 

It is the one-year anniversary of my starting this blog. Honestly, I had all intentions of blogging more. However, I have been more and more unmotivated to keep trying at dating. And sometimes sitting down to write this blog seemed just as daunting. Other times writing this blog has been extremely therapeutic. Being single in your thirties when most (all) of your close girlfriends are settled down and married and/or with children is a real genuine mind fuck and a call for constant, nagging self-reflection. Recently I realized I was asking myself the same questions over and over in my mind and I thought it might be self-healing for me and entertaining for you all to get them written out and share.   Random questions I ask myself as a single 30-something…

Am I stuck this way?

I know this sounds ridiculous but the longer you are single and the further set into your selfish single ways you get, the more you actually do worry about being alone forever and living the rest of your life on your own.  After a little more than 5 years single (a few short lived flings here and there along the way) I am really good at being alone and I don’t see it changing any time soon, as much as I would like it to.  I’ve definitely not made any progress toward being less single since starting this blog one year ago.

Along similar lines: “Am I too okay with being alone?”

Aside from hustling during the week making a ridiculous amount of customer/prospect visits and phone calls for my new sales job I spend a lot of my free time alone.  And I am pretty okay with that.  More so as the years go on.  I actually look forward to spending Saturday’s completely on my own.  Starting off the day by sleeping in sprawled out like a starfish in my bed, spending the day cleaning my house and running errands solo and then having a Saturday night gym date with myself.  Do I miss being able to go to dinner with someone and then come home and cuddle on the couch? Or go on gym dates? Or fun road trips? Of course I do. But it has been so long since I have done any of those couple things that I honestly forget what it is like. And I really don’t recall what I am missing out on. Just like the “need” for their substance of choice goes away for an addict over time, so does the need for a man. The longer you are without one the more you feel like you don’t really need one.

(Side note: the above is from the Guinness headquarters in Ireland.  So glad I took this photo!  Laugh at it every time I see it).

Now I said nothing about “want”. I still want a man to do all that cute couple stuff with, but I am a little far displaced from the “need” feeling.

 

“If I don’t use it will I lose it?”

I don’t mean my sexual talents here. I know those aren’t going anywhere.  Ha! I mean my ability to tolerate the presence of someone of the opposite sex for extended periods of time. After being single and having my own place for five years now with no live in boyfriend or roommates I actually really do worry I might not be able to live with another person. The thought of sharing a bed, kitchen, fridge and bathroom with someone scares me.  Should I actually meet someone and begin spending a significant amount of time with them , I know it is going to take a good amount of re-training my mind to answer to someone other than myself. I seriously don’t think I know how to be a girlfriend anymore.  That’s what I mean by losing it.

Why am I so easy to leave?

I have asked myself this countless times since the one major break up of my life where I was not the one who quit.  Since then,  there have been several more men whom I have had short lived interactions with who then cut me off or disappear out of no where. Is that because I don’t break down, cry and beg them to stay?   Maybe.   I know that some of my past flings read this blog from time to time so I would love for them to chime in.  I believe that these men move along and leave because they know I am strong and I will be fine. I am not good at letting on that I need someone and many men want to be needed so I think that plays into my lack of success finding a long term relationship. I suppose I am not dependent enough. I think being a strong, successful self-sufficient female is a great thing, and possibly one of my strongest points (maybe to a fault), however it makes finding a long term relationship more of a challenge.

Am I doomed to take out my trash forever?”

….as I am rolling both the trash bin and the recycling bin out to the curb in one trip because I am far too much of a bad ass to make two trips. …. “ If I had a man I wouldn’t have to do this. This would be his chore”. I actually like cleaning my house and I kill my own damn spiders and open my own jars, but there is just something about the rolling the trash cans out to the curb that I despise. Taking out the trash sucks. One of the top ten reasons I want a man in my life.

How do the dating sites know?

How does Bumble know to send me a text “You’re amazing. 46 people have been swiping to meet you ” on a Friday afternoon when the reality of spending most of my weekend alone is setting in and I am at my most vulnerable, pity me and my single self state? I know this is probably a mass text send out to all women in the PST time zone, but I feel personally attacked.  At least they usually preface their messages with something positive like “You’re amazing”.

How does match.com know that I am considering canceling my membership and then all of the sudden I start to get messages again? And do they know that I have been on their site for 5+ years?  I picture them laughing at me  and saying  “what is wrong with this girl?”.   I do know they are trying to help me (and get rid of me) since they run my profile in national ads from time to time.

 

Why me?

I try not to compare myself to others but that’s hard. I look at my girlfriends I’ve known since elementary school or earlier and out of all of us I am the only one who is single. Why? Where did I go wrong? I get jealous that my friends are in long term relationships and have a life partner and growing families while I am still doing selfish stuff like sleeping in until 11am on Saturdays because I am exhausted from a workweek of hustling in my new career and building my bank account and pride.

Do you really have a soulmate?

There was a Sex in the City episode (gosh I love that show!) in which the ladies debated the notion of having a soulmate and whether that was complete BS or not. I think I lean toward the theory of not having a soulmate, because what are the odds that you even live in the same continent as that person?   Digging through the online dating profile trash in Orange County/LA area is hard enough.  And now you want me to tackle the globe?  Ugh I give up! Possibly I would have a different perspective on this if I met someone I felt I couldn’t live without.    The idea is nice, but I think I am a little to jaded from the highs and lows of the dating scene to buy into that theory.

However if it is true…..

If the above is true then I’d like a do-over.  What the heck do you know at 21 anyways?  If this really is true then maybe I should go out with the guys from high school who hit me up on Facebook.  Or should I be running back over the list of all my high school boyfriends to see if any of them are still single and want to meet up?  That would make for great blog material!

“Do I need to start looking for a sperm donor? Or freeze my eggs”

I have joked about this since I was 28.  I have said that at 35 I would give up and give the sperm donor thing a try.  Now at 32 it seems like less of a joke and more like something I should be Googling late at night so as to get some sort of idea of how I even start this process. I have all intentions of having kids and I have this feeling deep down that I am going to do it on my own. I guess the thought of having a kid and being able to do it on my own if need be seems more probable than meeting someone and falling in love. Sad right?  And then after having 2-3 kids I figure I am destined to become a cougar and prey on younger men.  Someone in my group of friends has to do it, right?  I am taking one for the team.

Is this blog scaring off men? And why do I not care?

My Bumble profile makes reference to my Instagram and my Instagram headline has my blog link. So it’s possible that any potential suitors coming to me by way of Bumble (yes I know that’s highly unlikely that I meet the man of my dreams on Bumble) are being turned off by this blog. If they bother to read it and don’t find the humor and realness in it then that’s probably not the man I want to be with anyways. In fact, I get a lot of messages from men saying that they read some of this blog and loved it. Plus, it is not like I am naming names on here or calling out specific people. And if I did so happen to start seeing someone awesome there would be no mention of them on here- until they ghosted me and broke my heart. Then they might get a little shout out, but still anonymously.

 Why is finding a relationship the one thing I cannot master?

People who know me know I don’t fail at anything and I don’t take no for an answer. I don’t even half ass anything. I am go big or go home in anything I do and things I set my mind to I achieve- if not the first time, then through trial and error and grit.   At the risk of bragging about myself for a minute: I had a master’s degree by 22, own 4 properties, I survived one heck of an eating disorder/life funk (snapping out of it on my own), I’ve risen to success in a male dominated manufacturing workplace on two occasions and I am now conquering a sales career having no prior experience.   I’m a smart cookie who can figure out and/or talk my way out of anything. Yet I cannot for the life of me find a man who I like and vise versa and who wants to stick around. It drives me insane. I dwell on it a lot to the point where first I just upset and then I sort of laugh at myself.  What am I doing wrong? Do I need to spend more time standing around in the produce section at the local Whole Foods or at Home Depot and acting helpless? They say practice makes perfect, right? Well I have practiced at this dating this enough and I am ready to get in the game.

Should change the bait?

My dating profiles (yes with an “s” as I am on multiple sites) are well written- from what I have been told on several occasions.   They are also very honest and I make it clear that I am successful, sassy, not a push over and a bit of an alpha.  I realize that I am not for everyone and I guess I have that disclaimer in there to weed out any of the weak ones.  I have also been told by male friends that I should tone it down and perhaps leave that part out.  That sucks though. I have to tone down who I am to attract a man?  Sorry, I am going to keep doing what I am doing and hope someone mans up. What about all the men who say they want strong, independent woman?  Unfortunately, I don’t tend to come across those men too often.  I also think, based on my five years of research out in the field that many men say they want that type of female but that’s not entirely true.

With regards to photos: I’ve kept it classy for the most part. No bikini or scantily clad photos (or duck face or snap chat filters that so many of the men online complaint about), but I do have posted, depending on the site, photos of me in clothing that shows my legs and butt (think fishing in booty shorts and the occasional gym selfie). So what!?!  I work out hard and am a confident female showing off the assets I do have…. Since I was less than blessed in the upper portion of the female anatomy if you know what I mean. My best friend whom I have known since I was six and who will say anything to me without a filter says that my photos come off a slutty and that I need a business attire photo so that I look more professional.   l laugh at her and tell her “this isn’t Linked In”. Speaking of Linked In…… I suppose that could be a good place to shop for men with real jobs.  Hmm….. I’ll have to save that thought for later!

 

Should I just give up on online dating?

I have thought about this thousands of times as I have lost faith in the process and it has completely burned me out. However, I also don’t have any faith in being able to meet someone out in the real world either.   I am roughly 6 months into a new job in sales where I travel and get to meet a lot of new people. So I was thinking that maybe, just maybe I would come across some successful, attractive, smart and single men in the process.   I have.  Like the infection control director at a hospital in Temecula who I spoke to over the phone and thought “wow… sounds cute! And smart!”. We then met in person and hit it off talking about ATP cleaning verification systems until…. I noticed a wedding ring. I later went home to stalk him on Facebook just to affirm that he is in fact married and that is profile photo is of him and his adorable wife. Then there are all the cute guys I end up meeting when I do sales calls and training sessions to breweries. It is probably not the best idea to get involved with a customer anyways.  Not ruling it out though!

I will also admit that after 5+ years of online dating I am unfortunately addicted to the process. There is always that feeling that the man of your dreams just might be hiding in the pile of online trash.

So I keep digging, swiping, scrolling through profiles, running compatibility searches by location, age, life style traits, height, kids/no kids, divorced/never been married etc. You really do get used to the torturous process and make it part of your daily routine. Checking match.com emails first thing in the morning, swiping through profiles while on the Stairmaster, reading through profiles as you’re winding down getting ready for bed.

No one has any single male friends to hook me up with?

The fact none of my friends or acquaintances have anyone to fix me up with boggles my mind. Like are there really that slim of pickings out there? No one has any eligible, attractive, non- crazy friends, brothers, cousins, co-workers, etc???  Upon first diving into the online dating world my then 28-year-old naive self thought “this is be easy to find the perfect man!” because there were so many sites and on most you can filter by your the of traits and lifestyle factors you want in a man.  It like build-a-bear, but instead build-a-man (… or so I thought….).  I would have turned down people offering to fix me up. Yet now, years into the filtering and digging process online I have clearly proven that I am not capable of picking out my own man. I need someone to do it for me.  See previous blog post “Dear Gorgeous Buff Men on Bumble”.  Please someone help me.  As a reminder of why I cannot be trusted to pick out my own man…. this is what my typical match up on Bumble looks like:

 

 

What? Honestly, in my defense Bumble is a mix men who are way too dangerously good looking to be take seriously (“10’s”),  and on the other end of the spectrum men who look and present themselves like weirdos (“4’s”).    There does not seem to be middle road.   Someone needs to create a “Solid 8’s Looking to Date” app.  There is a huge void in the online dating market where that is needed.  Someone please get on that now!

Segue into the next question…. “Do I just pay someone to find a man for me?”

There is always that professional match making thing. Never really given it a true try. I did have one run in with professional match making which you can read about in earlier post titled “You Can’t Say I Haven’t Tried”.  Five years of what has now proven to be useless match.com membership fees could have possibly bought my soulmate with professional match making.  Hmmm.  Guess it’s too late and senseless to dwell on that.  I suppose I could also go on one of those shows like “Married at First Sight”. Crazy concept I know, but if you watch the show some of those couples actually end up together and being very compatible. Higher success rate than the Bachelor/Bachelorette train wreck pairings. And yes, I have considered going on the Bachelor- also see post titled ““You Can’t Say I Haven’t Tried”.

 

Am I REALLY being too picky?

I get called out for being too picky all the time.  By my mom, my friends, my coworkers, random men online who I don’t respond to and then who get a little pissed off and sassy.  I am willing to give on a few of my wish list items and honestly I don’t think that my build-a-man checklist is that ridiculous. You be the judge:    has real job, intelligent/witty, wants something long term and eventually a family,  27- 42 years of age, driven/passionate about something (ideally not just about flipping burgers or being a personal trainer),  picks up some weights from time to time, and has a nice smile… and hair…. and is preferably tall…. and doesn’t hate cats or have cat allergy….. okay, I am stopping now.  This should not be that hard to find in one man.  Maybe it is a 6 year quest, and I am just about there.  At least that is what I tell myself so that I don’t just give up altogether and get cat #3.

And on the topic of cats….are THAT many men REALLY allergic to cats?

Okay so this happens to me a lot…. I go on a date and have good conversation and what could be a very dimly lit spark (I am settling for less than fireworks now that I am 32 and still single AF), yet we get to the point in the conversation where I find out that the guy is allergic to cats. When I say this has happened to me a lot, I mean like what I know has to be a disproportionate percent of the male population. I will admit to actually Googling “percent of men allergic to cats” and I then considering whether that was more or less than the percentage I have encountered.   Are they lying about being allergic to cats when I say that I have  two at home in order to just get out of a second date with me? Am I really that bad?

 

Why does going out on dates actually make me feel more lonely?

I roll over this thought in my mind every time I go on an okay first date and then nothing comes of it. By “okay” I mean: it was fine- good conversation, maybe a little bit of physical chemistry, no huge deal breakers like the aforementioned cat allergy. But then there is no follow up or it just sort of fizzles out into nothing after a few “thanks for a nice evening” and “you’re welcome I enjoyed your company” texts.  This summarizes my last 5 years pretty damn well:

After five years of build ups to a first dates and then the anti-climactic aftermath I am thoroughly exhausted with the process and realize that it is a depressing cycle. One that I am actually happier when I am not partaking in so I go through phases of not trying to go out on dates.   Even more so depressing when I try to conceptualize how else I am going to meet someone.  You see the circle?  Ugh.

 

Why do I let being single make me feel less accomplished?

Again, I try not to compare myself to others, but it comes with the territory of being human, and especially with being a female I think.   I look at my accomplishments at the age of 32 and think “Wow, you really have done good for yourself. Except….” .  I’ll admit that being single at my age and comparing myself to women around me who have husbands, boyfriends and kids makes me feel like less of a success. It makes me feel a little selfish and cold. I know that I am a better person when I am in a relationship because it forces me to not just do me.

Why did I start this blog in the first place?

As the year mark of having this blog came closer and I received a bill for the renewal of the host website fees I debated keeping up with the blog.  But I then sat on my couch curled up with Nacho and re-read my prior posts and found myself smiling at how much fun I had putting my feelings down into text to share with others that I decided I would keep it up.  I do have the goal of writing more often in the next year.  I was a quality manager for 9 years so my focus has always been on quality, not quantity.  I’d say I have a goal of meeting someone, but writing more often about my quest in doing so seems more likely.

-D

So it’s Valentine’s Day huh? I hadn’t noticed…. That’s a lie. I totally noticed.  I noticed every time I had to walk through the Valentine’s Day candy and gifts section of the grocery store to get to the cat food and kitty litter section. What heartless cruel person sets up the store that way anyways? Geez.   To make it even more depressing of a day, Valentine’s Day used to be my anniversary. The date my thus far love of my life (who is now married with a kid….. one of us clearly moved on) asked me to be his girlfriend back at the tender young age of 19. We went on to spend eight Valentine’s Days celebrating together.   In hindsight maybe I should have appreciated that more. Hindsight is a bitch! Valentine’s Day was fun back then. You’d buy each other stupid gifts like heart print boxers and fuzzy handcuffs which never got used. You all know you have those in the back of your closet somewhere.

Flash forward to Valentines Day in your 30 ‘s when you are so extremely single that you can’t even remember the last time you got the D, and it’s pretty lame. I know…. it’s just another day. Right. That’s what you attached people say as you get flowers delivered to your office or go out for a nice dinner together or snuggle on the couch with your significant other. But after six consecutive Valentine’s Days spent alone, the day is like an unfortunate anniversary for me. An annual reminder of “Congratulations you are single AF for another year!”. So that might be a little dramatic, but seriously, I am actually getting worried that I forgot how to date/be with someone.

I mean I am pretty emotionally stable depending on the time of the month and it’s not like I spend the whole day mopping around and then crying to myself to sleep at night while eating straight out of a jar of peanut butter (I only did that in 2013 when I was at my most fragile, newly single state), but it does kind of suck when you have the reality check of sitting there watching Sex and the City reruns on the evening of Valentine’s Day with your cat while you are thumbing through Bumble profiles.

And you never realize how many friends you have until they all start getting engaged or announcing pregnancies on Valentine’s Day (or other holidays for that matter). Like where are all you ladies finding these men? And do they have brothers? Do they have dads? ……What….? I’m getting desperate here.

Sadly,  even the gym isn’t safe for singles on Valentine’s Day.   I recall going one year that evening since I had nothing better to do. There were these adorable fit couples working out in the gym together and it was depressing because it made me think about how I want my swolemate to lift with. Even the leg day feel good endorphins couldn’t fight that feeling off.  You couples need to do us solo/single gym warriors a favor and just stay out of the gym on Valentine’s Day. Consider it your good deed for the day.

And the Fifty Shades of Grey films need to chill and stop releasing anti-climatic sequels until I find someone to watch them with. Every time I see or hear an ad for another one it is a reminder of just how long I have been single. And along similar lines, the radio and TV….the ads for flowers, candy, jewelry and engagement rings are always a nice slap in the face that I am not getting any of those things for yet another year. I don’t even like flowers and candy and it still gets me down.  I would like some new body jewelry though.  If the man of my dreams is reading this take note….body bling = way to my heart. With my new job I am spending a lot time driving in the car listening to the radio and I swear they know when I am headed home from a long day and sort of lonely knowing that I am just coming home to my adorable cat Nacho and then boom…..Adele “Someone Like You” or “Hello” on multiple stations. Like even when you flip the channel she is there.  Why?  How? There needs to be a safe zone radio station around this time of year for us single people where depressing love songs and jewelry and flower adds are not allowed. Actually this is probably why I am a huge fan of KDAY the old school rap station. Dr. Dre, DMX and bail bond ads would never do me wrong or make me think about my being lonely on Valentine’s Day.

And all the lingerie ads on the TV make me think of the drawer full of the adorable lingerie I have that sees absolutely no action. Shame that I work out everyday like crazy and I never get to prance around in them. This is the most action that any of it has seen in years:

I wish I could say that I staged the above, but this was a result of my not shutting the underwear drawer enough and my little man Nacho digging all the contents out and then selecting his favorite pair to pose with on the bed as if to mock me.

Valentine’s Day for whatever reason also makes me think of exes and where they are now. In particular how most of them have all found someone and are now married, have kids or are in serious relationships. What did I do in a past life to make it so impossible for me to meet someone I click with mentally AND physically AND who wants the same things as me AND wants to stick around. Are there just one to many “AND’s” in that wish list? I am I asking for too much?

And don’t even get me started on the online dating sites on Valentine’s Day.    Match.com actually has the nerve to send me a Happy Valentine’s Day email encouraging me to get online and search for singles in my area. Dear Match….. you are LAST people I want to hear from on this day. Just makes me think about the fact that I have been paying you $25 per month for the last 5+ years and that by now I could have purchased myself an engagement ring (which is actually looking like the best approach to take given my situation).

(This is an actual email that Match.com sent to me around Valentine’s Day last year.  And  see that “*” ?  That refers to the small print and the sad truth that 145,310 of them are un-dateable.  But I am glutton for punishment and I like a challenge so I keep searching for that one.  There must be finer print somewhere saying that he is taken already or that I accidentally swiped left on him and now he’s lost forever.

Then there are the other online dating site ads that increase around this time of year especially on Facebook and Instagram.  They pop up all the time on my feed.  How do they know it’s me?  Do you coupled up people get these too? Like it’s not tormenting enough scrolling through social media and seeing cute couple photos, #MCM’s, baby photos, engagement announcements etc.  Intermingled amoungst all the aforementioned forms of single person torture I get ads for Zoosk, and pop ups asking me “Have you tried these top 3 dating sites?”. Yes… I have. And they suck and here I am. Still single  and just about given up. I mean I still search the pages of match.com or swipe through Bumble profiles on a daily basis hoping that maybe I will come across that male unicorn, diamond in the rough that I am looking for, but that glimmer of hope is fading.    Even my dad saw an ad the other day for Elite Singles and told my mom “maybe Dana [my nickname at home] should try that”. I had to remind my parents I had already tried that site and it was full of really unattractive, seemingly social awkward and not really “Elite” men.

And back to Facebook/social media for a second… you couples who post those couple surveys of “who said I love you first?, “who hogs the remote?”, “who has the worst temper?” blah blah blah…. You make me want to roll my eyes, cry and keep reading at the same time. I secretly hate you because I want to think that maybe someday I will get to fill one of these out. Sigh.

As of late Valentine’s Day has been fondly refered to as “Singles’ Awareness Day”. Is it a coincidence the acronym for that is “S.A.D.”?  Hmm…. I think not!    And here’s a brilliant idea if you really want to make it a nice day for us and less “SAD” : I think that single people should get free stuff on Valentine’s Day. You know like free coffee at Starbucks, free admittance to Disneyland, free sandwiches at Subway etc… This is to make up for the hundreds, if not thousands of dollars that us fabulous flying solo people had had to pay for all you coupled up people’s wedding showers/ wedding gifts, bridesmaid dresses, baby showers, engagement parties, the list goes on. It is only fair. Retailers… get on board.

I think that even single men (though I they might not admit it) get lonely around Valentine’s Day.  I am making this assumption because in the past few weeks I have had a handful of men from my past come back from the dead and try so edge their way back in with texts of “What are you doing tonight?”  and “Remember me?”.  Nothing…. I am doing nothing,  and my only child self is quite happy with that.

 

I realize this whole post sounds a little bitter but writing this was therapeutic, and I am really I am just expressing the frustrations and random thoughts that every single woman has around this “holiday”.   I am sure that anyone (male or female) can say they related at some point in their life.   I really do hope my situation is different next year because times a wasting and biological clocks are ticking!

I will leave you with this. I saw the above statement in a Self Magazine a while back.  That fine print underneath says “The Journal of Sexual Medicine”.  Assuming that they a credible source, I am going to have to get going and get to bed soon.  Tomorrow is a new year and it marks 365 more days I have until the next Valentines Day to lock down a man so I don’t need to spend it alone.  I plan on getting enough sleep to start it off on the right foot!   Sweet dreams everyone.  Hope your Valentine’s Day had a lot more “V” and/or “D” than mine did.

-D

 

 

 

 

 

YES (Sigh).  January 2018 will mark the FIVE year anniversary of my diving into the  exhausting and painfully hilarious world of online dating.  I know…..five years!  I didn’t believe it myself and had to count it out on my fingers several times, making sure I didn’t skip a finger.  Sad right?  Pitiful as it is, I figured it was a great occasion to reflect back on and share with you all my most memorable (usually not for a good reason) and cringe worthy online dating/dating experiences that I’ve experienced over these past 5 years.  Enjoy!…..

About 2 years into being on Match.com when I started to receive messages  from men all around the US and Canada and later realized why thanks to one of them them who mentioned that he’d seen my profile on one of the national online ads they ran.  Shesh!  Even match is trying to get me the heck off their site.

Valentines Day 2013 when the guy I had been seeing for a few weeks and who I was really excited about let me know via text that day that he was “not feeling the spark” and thus we were not hanging out that night.  Nice.  And this was actually the first guy I met via online dating who I caught feelings for so this was a nice blow right from the start of this wonderful 5 year journey (more like battle) I have been on.

Every time I connect and exchanged numbers with another Middle Eastern guy named Ali and had to input his contact into my phone as Ali #1, Ali #2, Ali #3…… They love their little blondes! Honestly, whenever I come across a dangerously good looking Ali on Bumble or Tinder I always swipe right- just to see if I still got it.  Never fails!

Spring of 2015 when I went to a local casting call for the Bachelor, thinking “Well, nothing else seems to be working so  I might as well try to get on TV  and make a complete fool out of myself while trying to find love”.  Upon walking into the hotel convention center where the event was being held  and being surrounded by 500+ beautiful and extremely manicured and made up single women from the OC/LA areas I realized I had never felt like such a mediocre 6/7 in my life.    For those of you who watch the Bachelor and think “damn are all those women really that gorgeous?”….. yes.  Yes they are.   Little tip for all the men reading: they have the casting calls for the Bachelorette at the same location and date as these Bachelor casting calls so keeps your eyes out for the next one and just show up and accidentally walk into the hall full of gorgeous single ladies and try your luck there. You’re welcome :).  The whole process is hilarious- from the 7 page questionnaire (including questions like “how many tattoos do you have?” and “how often do you drink?”), to the head shots and full body photos they make you pose for, to finally an on camera interview . I knew I was far too normal to make the cut, but it wasn’t a complete waste of a Saturday in that I met some really nice, cool women that day. They were also way to normal and didn’t make it on the show either.  Personally, I think my alpha female sailor mouth-take no shit sassiness would have been quite entertaining amongst all drunken messses, but that’s just me. You missed out America.

My attempt at professional match making in which I was matched up with a very metro-sexual manicured Indian man who planned a full out romantic date in L.A. for us.  However, after talking for a bit and then exchanging photos with him (which is a “no-no” on this particular professional site) I declined the date , suggesting we might just do coffee instead when I realized I would not be attracted to him.  He went off on me telling me I wasn’t feminine enough for him anyways. I think he wanted someone to get manicures and eyebrow waxes with.

When I went on a date in Laguna with an Audi driving Persian (aren’t they all?) personal trainer and had a few Long Island ice teas (what was I thinking?) and got a little too drunk and made out with him at the bar despite not being really into him before the alcohol hit my brain.  After the date I texted him a simple “thanks” but nothing more.  Few weeks later I’m on a date at a sushi restaurant in Irvine with another Audi driving Persian personal trainer (huh….?…don’t judge me)  and see the same guy out on a date with a little petite blonde. The four of us waited awkwardly in the entrance of the restaurant for a table for a very long 10 minutes.

When I finally caved in and joined Tinder and then later Bumble.  Both of which are literally the worst form of online dating (if you can even call them that).   Both sites are just a really addicting game you play on your phone to gauge your overall attractiveness and sex appeal to others.  Okay, so there is a little rush and feeling of “damn I still got it” when you swipe right on a super hot guy whom you wouldn’t even really want to date in real life because he’s just too damn pretty, and then low and behold he has liked you back.  And now you’re matched up and maybe you’ll exchange some meaningless small talk and then he’ll ask you for a picture of your ass and you’ll blow him off and you never meet up and then he blocks you. Okay, sorry I got side tracked…. back to the list.

And speaking of Tinder…. the time I went on a first date with a guy I met on the site during which I drank few too many vodka tonics followed by Fireball shots and then threw up on myself. To make it worse I did not realize this until the next morning when I was doing the walk of shame from his house.  Best part of the story is that he wanted to hang out again.  So we went on a pretty mild, uneventful  and friend-zoney second date and then we never talked again.   I think that given the events of the first date he thought I was more fun than I really am and was a little let down by the second date.  Ha! I still cannot smell Fireball without wanting to gag.

When shortly after joining match.com I come across my ex’s cousin who I used to hang out with at family functions over the years. We exchanged words and laughed about how we were both resorted to online dating. Small world.

The date I met at a house party in Newport who got so drunk as the night went on that he peed on a wall as he walked me to my car that night. Gentleman points for walking me to the car. However those points were shortly thereafter negated by the act of public urination.

Every time I got a really nice, big dick pic and sent it to my married best friend going “see what you’re missing out on?”.  Notice readers that the bad dick pics did not make this  “Best of” list.  Dick pic sending men take note: as they say “must be this tall to ride the ride”. You know what I’m getting at.

When I dated a 40 year old man who was then 12 years my senior and really hit it off with him.  Honestly, it was one of the more fun  mini relationships/flings I’ve had over the years. So much so that it really did make me believe that old adage “age ain’t nothing but a number”.  Until…. about 1 year later when I started hanging out with a newly turned 23 year old when I was 30 …..Once the allure of the picking him up from his parents’ house for froyo dates and making out in the car wore off I realized it was ridiculous.  However, I will say that it made me feel like a little high school kid again, so I definitely see the logic in Mariah Carey, Madonna, and J-Lo’s choice of men.

And on the topic of age: Literally the day I turned 30  match.com immediately threw me into a whole new age class for my daily matches and profiles suggested for me.  Overnight it went from “here are the 25-35 year old eligible single men in your area you matched with to:  “good morning, now that you’re a 30 year old and no longer a spring chicken here are the 40-50 year old already divorced fathers of 3 looking for a second chance at love who we’ve matched you with”.   Seriously match…. wtf?  Like let me ease my way into this a bit.  Geez!

Every time I have had to scratch my head and try and translate man signals.  For instance:  I go on a date with this divorced father of two.  Great looking, smart guy. Fit, career oriented and despite having had a vasectomy, he’s open to having kids again.  A coffee date evolved into a longer “let’s get lunch” date and we left it with both parties being very vocal about being into each other and exchanging “I can’t wait until we hang out again”.  He proceeds to text me and even call me to talk (no one does that nowadays) throughout the week telling me “you are so awesome and beautiful  and I can’t believe you are single …. etc”, and we planned to meet up that weekend for date #2  before I headed off to Peru for vacation.  Friday comes, I try to reach out with a phone call and then later a text.  Nothing.  Crickets.    The man goes completely missing.  I’m like  “I can see you read my text you jerk”.    Still have not heard from him to this day.  I was pissed.  I actually considered dating him and started some research online googling “likelihood of being able to have kids after a vasectomy” for this dude.  One of you male readers please explain this to me.

When after reconnecting with a childhood friend /old soccer buddy we realized that we had recently been involved with the same guy who we both met online.   We both fell for the 6’4″ tall muscular physique.    Hey…. at least we both have good taste.  We were able to share some laughs over it and what a true bonding experience! Ha!

When I had a nice, good conversation filled date with a tall, dark, handsome, successful and smart guy who wanted the same things I wanted and I got excited…. until I found out he was horribly allergic to cats.  Dealbreaker.  My cats aren’t going anywhere.

The time I would not go back to this guy’s house after a date and he went on a crazy text rant later that night after we parted ways telling me “You’re short. I normally date models”,  “You talk a lot” and “I am hotter than you are”.  But then 30 minutes later following up with “I’m sorry I said all those things I was just sad you wouldn’t come back to my place”.  Crazy dude! Can we say RED FLAG?

The time I was on the stairmaster at the gym and look over and see a guy I had been on a date with about 2 years back right next to me.  I ignored him.  Just like I ignored his text messages after our boring lackluster date.

When I matched up with a guy named Zues on Tinder and my pick up line was a reference to  how both our names were from Greek mythology and how Zues and Danae were getting it on back in the day and thus we had to go out. It worked.  We had a few dates but I am picky as hell and couldn’t quite put my finger on why I didn’t like the guy. Super nice, successful, gentleman, and extremely into me.  But I have this thing where I just know within the first few minutes if I am going to want to date/sleep with someone, and that inner alarm just didn’t go off for me with this guy.  See…. I really am dying alone. What is wrong with me?

When on a first date this guy planned for us to go go-kart racing and upon getting into the car I needed a booster seat. Hilarious start but it went down hill from there.  Fellas… go kart racing is not the best idea for  first date.  The girl has to smash her freshly done hair and made up face into a hot and sweaty helmet and then is forced to drive (something you men claim we all suck at doing in real life) and participate in this weird, extremely stressful competition.  Not a recipe for first date success and sparks if you ask me.  And this is coming from a fairly low, maintenance female who has only been in 3 major car accidents.  Okay, maybe 4.

The night I went on a date with this tattooed, yoga practicing, motorcycle riding rough around the edges guy and realized midway through the date (after I had gone back to his house for drinks) that the attraction was only sexual and going no where good.  While sitting basically on his lap on the couch, I blurted out “I need to go home now” awkwardly out of no where.  He was pretty cool about it and walked me to the door and saw me on my way. On the way home I hit a massive pothole getting onto the 405 which blew my tire.  I drove for a good five minutes before realizing that something was wrong and that I was driving on the rim of my blown out tire.   I ended up walking around the side of the 405 freeway in stilettos calling AAA. Great ending to the night.

The night I went out with a super hot grungy looking guy with a man bun just because that is totally not my type and I wanted in on the man bun craze of 2015.  He also drove a Jeep so that was like icing on the cake.   He arrived to the date extremely high.  In hindsight I don’t know why that came as surprise to me.

When I joined “Elite Singles” at the start of 2017 thinking that I was going to meet a smart successful man on the site, which supposedly is one of the top three dating sites.  My ass!……For a month straight I searched Elite Singles long and hard to find one decent looking man.  It was full of short, really nerdy and socially awkward looking doctors, engineers and business owners who I would without a doubt intimate the hell out of.  I know that sounds extremely shallow, but listen, the attraction has to be there, and I am really not looking for someone to take care of me financially.  I finally settled on a doctor (actually to be fair he was still in med school so not yet really “Elite” but they let him on anyways) who was about a 6 in the right lighting.  I was taking a leap of faith.  We went on a long ass 1/2 day hike in the Pasadena Hills area. I know…. what was I thinking going on a hike on a very uncrowded mountain trail which ended at sundown with a complete stranger?   Have no worries though, because about 30 minutes in the hike we both realized that he was just as unimpressed with me as I was with him.  We got through the hike talking about nerdy science stuff and our research projects.  At least I got a good workout in.  Peace out Elite Singles! It’s been lame!

Every match.com mixer event I went to.  I have never in my life been surrounded by so many socially awkward people in one room.  I really cannot think of many things more depressing than the few times I attended (and actually paid money to attend)  the match.com social mixer events.

And speaking of awkward……my first and LAST attempt at speed dating. I laughed so hard at myself for trying this on the drive home that I nearly cried. So bad.

The times (yes plural) I have been on date with a guy and he looks me straight in the eyes and says “I don’t find blondes attractive”.  #whyamihere #areyoublindman

And if I had a nickle for every time that I got a message from a guy on match.com asking “you’re still on here?” or ” are you still single?”.   Trust me buddy, I am just as annoyed to still be on here as you are when you keep seeing me.  Tell Match.com to run another one of my national promo ads.  Those 45 men with dad bods in Minnesota aren’t looking so bad right now.

When I went out on a date with a guy  I had known from high school who claimed to have had a crush on me back then and persuaded me to go out with him now some ten years later.  Midway through the date and after a few drinks (giving him the benefit of the doubt here and you’ll soon see why), he tells me “you know, you’d look really good with a boob job”.  I blew it off saying something about how I’d never had any complaints and that I am representing for the female form in some other areas.  I don’t think he recalls this and still tries to get at me again from time to time as we are both still single and online dating.

And lastly, and by far the best moment to have come from these 5 years of dating trials and errors…. when I decided to start this blog for you all to enjoy and for my own therapeutic creative release.  Seriously though, even having gone through all of the above experiences (and some that I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing with all you readers) and STILL not having found “the one”, I do consider myself somewhat lucky in the sense that I have never been catfished.  And more importantly I have never found myself in a dangerous situation or one that I felt unsafe with a creepy guy. I guess I do a pretty good job at weeding them out before we meet up in person.    Online dating is about being brave and putting yourself out there but you still need to trust your gut.  I’ve also been lucky to have met some intelligent, interesting and quality men via online dating with whom it just didn’t work out with for one reason or another.  So I know there are some good ones out there worth keeping around, I just have to keep the faith and keep digging. They are doing a damn good job of hiding from me though.  Guys…. it’s been five years now… quit playing hard to find! I do not want to have this “Why I am Single Blog” in a year from now.

Happy New Year Everyone!  And thanks for reading!