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Dating in your 30’s is weird. You’re stuck in the middle of guys who are in their late twenties still living with their parents or room mates and trying to figure out what to do with their lives, and 40-something men who are likely already divorced and have kids, but who are searching for someone to be with for the second half of their lives. On top of that the 30-something men are a mixed bag. Some are ready to settle down. Some are still acting like they are twenty and partying on weeknights.  Most of them (at least the ones I seem to interact with) are not really sure what they want.  I’ll also add that most of them are your typical millennial in that they want attention and admiration but they don’t want to put in much effort. Like is asking a girl out on a date and planning something really that hard?  I’d almost rather have fun and hang out with 20 something guy because at least then I don’t expect as much from them as far as  life direction, achievements and knowing what they want.  When I go out with a guy in his 30’s and I subconsciously expect him to be on the same level and same page as me. I guess that is where I am going wrong.  I have  been TRYING (unsuccessfully) to date men in their 30’s for the last 4 + years.

And in those past few years of dating trying to find “the one”, I’ve on both ends of the cougar/prey spectrum. I know you’re probably thinking, how did I become a cougar at 31?  Wasn’t I supposed to have a few kids and a failed marriage or two before that happened? Sheesh! Well I started my online dating journey when I was 27 and now at 31 I have somehow become a cougar. I get messages all the time from 26 year olds saying “I’ve always wanted to be with an older woman.” I wasn’t mentally prepared for this that’s for sure.  Do those guys really think I am going to be flattered by being called an “older woman”? Bad choice of intros.

At one point I just went with it and was seeing a 23 year old when I was 30. At first I was thinking it was weird, and I just about spit up my froyo when told me he had literally just turned 23 (as if 23 ¾ years would have been somehow more socially acceptable). However then I thought about how I had recently dated a 41 year old when I was 29 (12 year age gap), so screw it! It can most definitely go both ways. But in general men take a bit longer to grow up and most of them, even at 30+ are just hairy, big kids, so I do think it is a little more challenging for women to date downward in terms of age. But, dating a younger guy can be fun. Kind of makes you feel like you have some of your youth back.  I remember making out in the car after picking him up from his parents’ house and thinking “wow I haven’t done this since high school”.  And you can also teach the younger ones a few things if you know what I mean (ahem cough cough). But when the goal is something long term and settling down I feel like that’s hard to achieve with a younger guy because they just aren’t ready for that. Thus the term “boy toy” I guess. They are something to have fun with and but it won’t last for the long haul. My little fling with the 23 year old ended after I was over him still talking to his college sweetheart and being indecisive about what he wanted. I told him I don’t share.

And now for some failed attempts to lure in the cougar (me):

Buddy, you are literally 3 years younger than me!  Grrr…..

Gosh I hope I don’t have the cougar look already.  I am going to go buy some anti-wrinkle cream and maybe even start wearing sunscreen.

 

And then there are the older men. There is something really attractive about a grown ass man, having lived his life and who knows what he wants and will tell you. Having online dated for a while and gone out with a few older men (think 8 year age gap +) I can say it is so refreshing to have someone ask you out… take you to dinner and make plans and take initiative. Stark difference from the flaky men my age or younger who can’t even seem to commit to when or where to meet up and would rather have a texting pen pall for weeks on end only for you never to really meet up in person.  This might be a generalization and sure there are exceptions but for the most part this is what is wrong with dating at 30. So much indecisiveness, flakiness, men not knowing what they want and wanting to play games until they figure it out. All at the expense of us 30 something quality women who are so ready for the next step of building a future with someone and commitment. That’s probably why a lot of women do try dating an older man at one point or another. It’s fun. They treat you with respect . And it is sort of fun to be an older guy’s hot piece of ass and eye candy that he can show off to his friends. Sorry mom.

Sure there are some awkward age gap moments. I’m thinking back to watching Top Gun with an ex of mine who was 12 years older (and really good looking in case he is reading) and him saying “This came out in ’86. I remember because I had my first kiss watching this movie”. To which I replied “Hm… I was 1”. Then we both stared at each other for a second obviously both thinking “is this wrong?”.  The other problem with dating an older man is that they might already have kids and not want to have more kids, or be at an age where they don’t want to have kids because they feel like it’s too late and they don’t want to be that older dad.  But if given the choice I would definitely chose older. Just looking for that diamond in the rough I suppose who  either has kids and is willing to have more or who hasn’t had any yet and is willing to take the plunge later in life.

I suppose I should enjoy my early 30’s as a time where I can both pick up my boy toy at his parents’ house for a froyo date and also be wined and dined by an older man.  Trying to look at the positive of being extremely single at 31.

P.S.  No young boys were harmed in the content gathering for this post. I did however almost kill a 40 year old man on a workout date to Thousand Steps Beach in Laguna during which he could not keep up.  Warning: Not all 40-something men are created equal.

 

 

Fuckboy. A term that did not exist a few years ago but has so much meaning now.  Every single woman in her 20’s and 30’s knows the term and likely has a handful of these fuckboys in her life.  Notice that the term is not “fuckman”.  That’s on purpose.   There are probably some single ladies reading who are having trouble determining if they’re wasting their time on a fuck boy or not.  Well I am here to help with some tips on how to spot a fuckboy.  For the single male audience reading this, if you relate to any of the warning signs below, chance are you a …. well you know.  And sorry for the language, but it just seems silly to sugar coat it and type f**kboy, so you all get the unedited version.

Here are some surefire ways to tell if he is a fuckboy.

Note: You may also wish to study the above “Anatomy of a Fuckboy” diagram before diving into this post.

They are named “Boo”, or in this case “boo” with a lowercase “b”.  Followers of this blog will know that  it is my pet peeve when a guy fails to capitalize his name.  Grammar and Attention to Details 101 -failure! Also, beware of the ” I am moving to your area” line.  These fuckboys use it as an attempt to suggest “gosh baby aren’t you lucky I am coming out your way, maybe it’s meant to be”.  It’s not. They have used that line on every female in a 30 mile radius before using it on you.

Along similar lines, they are named “daddy”.  Notice a trend? Again, not capilitized.  I’m telling you all, there is a science to this.

They have a bedroom pillow on head selfie on their profile.  Like “see how sexy I am? I woke up like this and you could wake up next to this after our one night stand”.  Tempting, but no.

 

And speaking of selfies, here is another fuckboy warning sign:  he has a selfie in the bathroom.  This guy takes it even further with a selfie right above the toilet.  He’s not even hiding it.  He knows he is a fuckboy:

Another good way to spot a fuckboy…. he has a photo of himself and tiger in his profile.    Only the ladies who are avid participants in online dating will understand this (and LOL).  But the photo with the tiger is like the equivalent of a “basic” chick taking a duck face photo.

 

And since we mentioned duck face photos, that is warning sign too.  No man (notice the term “man”) hoping to be taken seriously  in the dating world should have a duckface photo.

Another hint hidden in the above screenshot:  they discuss future plans in the intro messages.  Points were given for proper use of “You’re”, but then shortly afterward taken away for lack of the”?” at the end of sentences 2 and 3.

 

Fuckboys will also try to use their dick to lure you in.    You can also refer back to my post about dick pics if you want to know more. This was  profile picture people.  Geez. Eyeroll.  And… zoom in.  🙂

This one is a little less obvious but still just as fuckboy desperate when they have to stress to you how big they are down there.

Again, notice the “I’m in your area line”.  Lastly, fuckboys are common users of Kik, a messaging app, because patiently exchanging messages via the  dating app/website and eventually getting to the point where you can ask for a girl’s number is just too much work.

And this will be obvious, but should still be noted:  The fuckboys will have no shame in sending you a dick pic in the middle of the day:

Note the context of this screen shot above.  We were having a nice adult conversation about a job interview I had and then BOOM dick pic as a nice surprise upon returning to my desk at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Wednesday.

 

 

The infamous late night text from a guy from your past is a surefire way to confirm he is a fuckboy.

Fuckboys also have a language of their own.  It has not been fully translated yet because the evolution of the fuckboy is still relatively new, but so far we know that fuckboys seem to have an aversion for vowels:

(translation: Good morning baby)

They also make up their own punctuation marks. How clever and innovative:

Another common trend in the fuckboy vocabulary is “yummy”.  If you ladies get a “yummy” in the first message…. run, block, delete.  Do whatever you need to do to get away.

Can you spot a fuckboy by his choice of career?  Sure you can!……In the world of online dating there is a hugely disproportionate number of ridiculously good looking doctors.  I am willing to make a bet that most of them are fuckboys in disguise who are really not doctors.   Or, maybe I am going to the wrong doctors because I have never seen a doctor like this.  And a tip for any REAL male doctors who are single and online dating: don’t make the below your headline.  It takes away your credibility and reeks of fuckboy.

 

 

With all the telltale warning signs mentioned above for how to spot a fuckboy, you’re probably asking  “How do smart, self respecting women fall for these clowns?” . It is also fair to ask “why would a woman even bother with a fuckboy if they see all the signs and know very well that is he one?”  Here’s your answer:

Us women are “fixers” and we like projects.  That coupled with the fact that us smart, successful women (like yours truly) think that we are special makes for a dangerous combination and cycle of what I’d refer to as “fostering fuckboys”.  That’s right, taking them under our wing and committing to them just long enough to catch feelings and think we are going to  change them.  Doesn’t work.  Fuckboy is not curable. There are a lot of women out there who are self proclaimed (or closet)fuckboy whisperers. We can’t help it.

 

Ladies- I hope you learned something.  Study up, take notes and proceed in the dating world with caution.

Men- Time for a little self reflection.

You’re welcome!

🙂

Dear gorgeous, buff and often tattooed men on Bumble: stop swiping right on me! Before you start to think “Wow this girl is full of herself!”, let me back track and explain.    Also, please read on and understand that I am making light of the fact that Bumble and its predecessor Tinder are entirely driven by physical attraction and ones’ looks.   I am also making light of how I both search for and attract the wrong type of men. In fact I could have titled this post “This is Why I am Single: Poor Taste in Men Edition”, but I chose instead to blame the men. It just came naturally as that is what I do all the time at work anyways. Reminder that I work in a factory with all men and I am the only Queen B and as the Quality Assurance/Food Safety Manager I am always right.  🙂

So back to the explaining…. I have a weakness and respect for men with muscles. Somehow  it got engrained in my head that is what a man should look like and it has always been the type I seek out. Cue the personal trainers, younger boy toys with enough time on their hands to be hitting the gym for hours each day, and narcissistic career men who still keep up appearances in the gym. And if these muscles come with good looks and a killer smile I’m in trouble.   I am almost 32 years old and very mature and responsible in most aspects of my life, but I still have not learned that you cannot shop for men with just your eyes. I mean I am looking for the whole package but I am human and it is the age of online dating where it really is all about instant aesthetic attraction to someone and then, if you are like me you (over) analyze their profile.

Much to my delight and dismay these gorgeous buff men do come around. Notice I said come around, not stick around. The problem with that for me is that it screws with my brain and makes me think that maybe, just maybe one of these dangerously good looking men is actually going to want the same things I want… commitment, making an effort toward a great relationship, quality time doing things other than bedroom activities, and down the line marriage and kids. But no. Usually they just want to come into my life for a either (1) a few weeks of texting back and forth and never actually taking initiative to meet up , (2) one date after which they realize I am not the crazy chick who is going to get white girl wasted and sleep with them on the first night or (3) sticking around just long enough for me to catch feelings and then disappear/start acting disinterested and distant.

(truth…. sigh)

So this weekend I conducted a little experiment on Bumble swiping right on every freakishly good-looking muscle man seeing how many I could “catch”. Let’s be real, I was not soul mate searching here. It was just based on looks and nothing else such as location, proper use of grammar, or weeding out guys who had more than one shirtless selfie (one is ok), professional headshots, and/or photos in the club with girls hanging off them. But before doing that I ensured that I had a great profile photo to show a little skin and some others to show that I also spend a good amount of time in the gym. Like attracts like, right? I then swiped away. On the Stairmaster at the gym. While laying out tanning.   While watching TV with my cat. The aimless swiping is actually addictive and entertaining. You non-single people are missing out. It’s like people watching but being able to do it privately through your phone.  You can do all the “ohhs”, “ahhs”, “yucks” and eye rolls you want without being judged. All the screen shots you see below are those of men that I “matched” with (meaning we both swiped right on each other). Finish off this article and you’ll see why my head is a little messed up and my standards set possibly too high. To be clear I do not genuinely think that most of these men would be into me for real. I took a damn good photo of myself along with some other flattering photos of me in my element in an effort to catch good-looking members of the opposite sex. And they did the same. However, a match made in online dating heaven is more than about looks, even though that is what initially brings the two parties together.

So that you see what I am working with to lure the men in, here is my profile and main photo:

Note: I look like the above <1% of the time.   This took effort, way more make-up than I normally wear, a little booty pop posing and I actually  “did” my hair and put some product in it before blow drying for some volume.  I cannot commit to this  amount of primping on a daily basis.  Most of my time is spent in gym clothes and lab coats.  And now, the eye candy…..

 

Geez. I don’t even know if I’d want to be with a guy this pretty. That’s a lot of pressure.

Another personal trainer…..

My swipe right success rate with personal trainers is upwards of 85%. Ha!  Hey,  it would have its perks since I’d always have someone to kick my ass in the gym.

 

Funny story about this guy “John” who I matched with.

All the ladies reading this deserve a close up (and are you freaking kidding me??? Drool)

“John” and I actually went out on a few dates back in 2014 and he was just as gorgeous in person. Like I think I might have salivated a little, okay maybe a lot. But you could tell he was a game player who just liked the thought of female company here and there.   I didn’t want to chase him or be one of the many females “friends” he had.  I’m an only child.  We don’t share well.  And some three years later here we are back online to meet up again on Bumble. I referred to him with “John” in air quotes because he used to go by Ali.  I decided to call him out on changing his name.  I suppose he thought “John” would be little more approachable.  I prefer Ali, though it did complicate things because I already had quite a few Ali’s in my phone at the time.

 

Then there is this guy.  I also have a really high “success” rate with black men.  They love their little white girls. And isn’t it cute how Bumble puts you two side by side  when you match up so you can see what  a cute couple you would be.? Gosh, gets me every time!

And yes he does have a face (if that matters with abs like that), but unfortunately that face was covered in Snapchat filters.  So not cute.  All you men out there take note.  I read all your profiles saying how annoyed you are with girls having puppy dog faces and flower crowns in their photos.  It goes both ways.

 

 

 

This guys’ headline was “the most interesting man in LA”.  So I proceeded to ask him what made him so interesting. No response.  Apparently mysterious silence makes him intriguing.

It’s a good thing this guy lives farther away in Corona or else I’d likely have initiated contact and made some poor decisions.

Having a dating app such as Bumble where a significant amount (disproportionate as compared to the  “normal” population)  of men look like this makes it really hard, at least for me, to keep scrolling on a site like Elite Singles which is full of successful accomplished men genuinely looking for commitment.  Every time I would scroll through my “Daily Matches” on Elite Singles I would think to myself “Ugh, but I don’t see myself sleeping with any of these men”.  Gosh that sounds shallow.  Not sorry.

Maybe it is the Alpha female in me, but I work hard and I feel like I should be able to come home to someone nice to look at.  Or more correctly put, someone I am super attracted to both physically and mentally.  This is probably part of the reason I am single.  And being teased with men like this does not help.   If you  are a woman and you finished reading this post I hope you enjoyed the objectification of men for a change (and the eye candy) .  If you are a buff, drop dead gorgeous man who read this and saw the humor in it, please contact me.  I would love you to mess with my head and waste my time. I’d love to make some more poor decisions before I hit 35 and just give up and get a sperm donor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’ll be honest that I have just about given up on online dating as far as it being a potential way to meet “the one”. But, the entertainment value alone makes sticking around and participating in online dating well worth it.  I had a LOT of fun putting together this post of the best (and by “best” I mean most awful, creepy and hilarious) intro lines that I’ve gotten. Enjoy! And my apologies in advance if you cringe or throw up a little bit in your mouth as you go through these.   This post will 100% give you an idea what it is like to be a female on an online dating site.

In no particular order….

In all fairness “Hey” isn’t really trying.   I feel like a few more efforts could have been made before whipping out the fact that he was packing 9 ”

I love that he follows up with how much money he makes per hour.  As if to say  “baby you are worth 6.667 hours of work day. ” So sweet.Wow, thanks for making me feel like I might not need that second helping of mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving dinner.And speaking of ass, us women like a nice behind on a guy.  Men take note of the above.

So he just slipped that in there.  No pun intended.This question obviously keeps Dr. Awesome up at night.  Poor guy.When the friends with benefits of 3+ years thinks it’s funny to message you online out of no where.  Threw this in there just for fun. What is wrong with us in that we are still both single?

Ew. Just ew.  And there’s more where this came from.

For those of you not up to speed on what a cuckold is, look it up. You learn something new everyday. You’re welcome.Where is this conversation really going to go from here?

Me:  “yes, yes I have.”

Him: “Wow! We have so much in common because I have  a big dick. Would you like to meet for coffee and see what else we have in common?”

I told you there was more of this.

Third time is NOT a charm.  Fun fact: there is a lot of “copy paste” messages that go on in the online dating world ( men copy pasting the same message to multiple women for the sake of efficiency) where you will get the same long, drawn out seemingly genuine message from the same guy like a month apart. But was this really something worthy of the “copy paste”?

What a gentlemen!  And “godspeed”.  Who says that now days?  Definitely one of the more memorable messages though.  Thanks Tony.

On a scale of 1-10 how good of a “blo” jobber are you?  This guy….yuck.

This guy was “just looking for a hook up” and I told him that was not in my interest and I didn’t want to talk and waste his time or mine.  We parted ways but not before he gave me some valuable life advice.

If you use all CAPS I think you’re lying.  Or compensating for something else.

Okay so no caps this time, but just as laughable.  Dude couldn’t wait five minutes for a reply before having to pull out the “huge dick” line.

I was trying to have a little fun with this guy.  I don’t think he got it.

Probably don’t want to admit that right off the bat.  True as it may be.  I’d like to point out at this time that I am 5’2″ on a tall day.

This one may help to explain the one above it.You lost me at “I’m married but”.  And he did say “women”.  Not a grammatical error, but rather the truth.

Gag. I need a shower.Points for creativity, but still just as creepy.All these crazy women out there sending men pussy pictures are making it hard for a nice girl like me.

P.S. Don’t ask me what I was thinking giving this guy my number.Wow. Sounds so enjoyable.  When do we start.

More like pinnacle of creepiness.

Well that’s a different approach.Why do so many men feel the need to refer to their penises in the intro message? See previous post about dick picks.   Us women are really not won over by the beauty and size of your penises.  Sorry to break it to you guys.

I thought she  was cute so I figured it best to extend the offer to tear her apart- Guy logic.

I feel as if this guy and I would have great conversation.

He looked it up.  Bahahaha!

I have a feeling I know where this is going.  And you really need to capitalize your name “frank” in order for me to take you seriously.  So many men make that mistake by the way.  Seriously, you can’t make the effort to capitalize your name? I’ll  take Jeff (with a capital “J” instead).

Knee jerk reaction was to say “I’d do it for free”, but part of me also wanted to pry a little more as to why a good looking, buff white guy would be asking such a question. I should have known.

You know what?…. I take that prior comment back, maybe I am a little afraid of hooking up with a black guy again.  Been a while since my last encounter with a “velvet monster”.

Ah… nothing like a little acknowledgment that the squats are paying off and I am making a solid contribution to fighting the myth of  flat white girl booty.

And lastly, I did not know that I could be grossed out without words…. but there you have it.  Thank you emojis for bringing about a whole new language for us women to be offended by.

Closing:

Ladies reading this who have a husband/boyfriend/fiance you’re thinking right now that he really isn’t that bad, right?

Single ladies:  I hope you’ve realized you are not alone.   All of the sudden a boring “hey” message doesn’t seem so bad. Or maybe I am the only one who gets this trash.  If you don’t, consider yourself lucky.

Men: See….you guys really are THAT bad.  Seriously though,  I hope you realize that us women know that you are not ALL like this.  There are some nice, genuine men out there online. But, there are enough of you who are like this to make us women cringe at the thought of putting up an online dating profile.  Please know this approach does not work.  Not even on me and I am extremely think skinned (reminder: I work with all men in a factory) and have a pretty inappropriate sense of humor. Stick to the nice, thoughtful messages. Ask her about something specific she mentioned in her profile.  Comment on a particular feature of hers (smile, eyes, hair, sense of style etc),  but stay away from butt and boob references.   You can think it,  just don’t say it. That is more third date conversation 🙂

“It will happen when you least expect it”. Do not say this to your single friends. We hate it. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. If I hear this from one more person who already has a significant other, I will lose my shit. Let me ask you this, you wise person who insists that this the key to finding love….. how does one go about “least expecting it”? Is it about trying not to try? I feel like I already do that pretty damn well when I run errands on the weekend as the least presentable version of myself wearing no make-up, wet hair and sweats. And I already go to gym with headphones in blasting gangster rap and never breaking my repping bitch face (see what I did there? “Reps”, not “resting””…haha!) to ensure that I look extremely unapproachable because working out is the goal, not picking up men. Are you telling me to try even less?  Please elaborate…. I’ll wait. Wait just like I have been for this prince charming of mine for the past 5 years.

I actually really like to test this notion when I am out with a couple by asking “so how did you guys meet?”. As they answer I try to think if that was  really an example of least expecting it.  Usually not the case. And as far as least expecting it, I will say this: I NEVER wake up expecting that I am going to meet “the one” that day. What I do expect is that I will get about five “GM bby, HYD?” messages, an average of three creepy looks from contractors or truckers at work, and at least one offer to participate in a sexual act from some guy online. Even on days when I have a date I no longer expect it to be a positive or worthwhile experience. I know that sounds jaded but it’s the truth. So if you ask me, I am doing a DAMN good job of not expecting it already. Now where is my Mr. Right?

And now, for some other things that you think are full of wisdom but that you should NOT say to your single friends:

“You’re being too picky”. Would you have wanted to hear this when you were dating? No.  Personally speaking, I bring a lot to the table and I expect to be accompanied by someone as equally awesome. See first blog post. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want.  I am flexible on some of those “wants” and I have broadened my “type” over these fruitless dating years, but still no luck. And you know what? That initial “type” that I seek out still always comes back around. Just not for the long term. It’s a vicious cycle of getting what I want and then losing it.

“You should look into freezing your eggs”. That makes me feel like a failure.   I already know the biological clock it ticking. I think about that all the time, calculating in my head like ……”Okay if I meet someone this summer, we have to date for at least a year before we know if we love or hate each other, and then at least another 1-2 years before engagement /marriage, and then maybe within a year or two a kid”. And then boom…. I’m in my late thirties and having a kid, which is what I said I would not do. You may be right, but I don’t want to seriously have to be told to consider that extreme just yet.

“It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.” Here’s another one that is high on the list of things that make us single people want to hit you in the face when you say it.   It just seems likes one of those empty statements that are supposed to instill hope into the hearts of single souls. It does not. It instills frustration. And as far as defining “supposed to happen” for me on a personal level, I think I am extremely ready, so any day now please! I have a solid job, my own place and rental properties, been single long enough to not have any prior baggage or latch-ons and ready to really want something serious, and I am ready to have and support kids. What could be more “supposed to” about that? Ugh.  Maybe I am expecting it too much.

“You should pick up a new hobby and you’ll meet someone that way”. Here’s what I don’t like about this one: I am 31 years old, am pretty set in my ways, and know pretty damn well what I find fun and that is working out/gym rat time, peaceful runs outside, fishing, and some going out with friends here and there. I don’t really know if I want or even have time for a new hobby. Also, as someone who has participated in enough single mixers and awful first dates during which I have met no one I clicked with, I just have a hard time believing in the odds of someone I’ll be into who will also be into me, just coincidentally signing up for rock climbing or painting class. Again, I know that sounds negative but I am the blog author here and I tend to be a pessimist/realist.

“Join an online dating site”. Those of you who know me via Facebook or Instagram will know very well why this is not the easy answer. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. And don’t tell your single friend “you’re just not on the right site”. To that I will say that I have been on a lot of different dating sites/apps and they are all very much the same. And by “same” I even mean the same people. Literally the same faces, but painting a slightly different picture of themselves depending on what site it is. Dating is hard. Trying to date with online dating as the starting point is even more difficult because the online dating world is full of people who can hide behind a screen sending small talk messages and “winks” and “smiles” but then not truly want to take the initiative to meet up. I smirk when I see a guy with a headline of “let’s match up and never talk or meet”, because that is sadly so true of online dating.

“Go to church and meet a nice guy there”. I know the intentions are good on this one, but with the exception of attending Lutheran preschool and church every week when I was 5, religion has never been an important in my life and I cannot image meeting someone in church and essentially pretending that religion was something that mattered to me. The foundation of the relationship would be a lie.   Isn’t lying a sin? ….what do I know?

“Meet someone at the grocery store”. Okay sure. Next time you are in the produce section you try making eye contact with someone and initiating conversation. And if you think you’re a really an overachiever do it near the banana section. This is just not realistic though I’ve seen some men try. I had a guy stop me a tell me “you’re too beautiful to be shopping alone”. Let me paint the picture for you: I was wearing booty shorts, having just come from the gym and I was standing up onto the refrigerator case of the yogurt section trying to reach the particular flavor I wanted. He was pushing one of those shopping carts with the yellow and red toy car at the front and his two kids were inside starting at me as well. Fail. Another reason this will not work for me in particular is that I have a Masters Degree in Food Science. I literally studied food for 5 years and have committed my life to the food industry so pretending like I don’t know how to pick out a cantaloupe just won’t work for me. Also I am likely to get in a fight with some guy with man bun who tries to tell me that organic produce is better for me. Please.

You’re too intimidating. It scares men away”. You’re basically telling me that I am too much “me” and my personality, and that I need to tone it down in order to attract and trap and man. I say “trap” because I’d at first have to pretend I am something that I am not but the truth would come out. Telling your single friend that they are too much of anything is not helpful.

“You’re not putting yourself out there enough.” Don’t say this to your single friend, especially if they are in fact actively participating in dating/online dating and trying to have a social life. I am doing both and short of wearing an “I’m single” T-shirt, I don’t know what more I can do. And sometimes us single people do genuinely enjoy being homebodies because it’s not always fun going out and being the 11^th wheel and “the single one”.  I know, shocker. Lastly, on a personal note, match.com used my profile in a national ad for them, so talk about being out there!  But…..I’m still single!

“Being single is so fun. Enjoy it while you can”. Okay sure. And I know I just wrote the post about the “Small Joys of Being Single,” but for the most part being single while everyone around you is coupled up and getting married and having kids is the pits. Add on the exhausting process of trying to date and being single is extremely hard. If you think being single is fun, re-read the first few posts and then change places with me. I dare you.

 

I’ll admit that I dwell too much on being single and all the negative things that come with it: being lonely, missing out on fun couple stuff, not having given my awesome, loving parents a grandchild to spoil yet, being a work-a-holic because it’s not like I have anyone to come home to, blah blah…. But, with everything there are pros and cons. This post is about the pros, the benefits of being single…..

• Improved cardiovascular fitness and calorie burn. Okay, get your minds out of the gutter. I am not talking about the cardio endurance that comes from weekly one-night stands. I am a classy woman, please! I am referring to the fact that stair master minutes go by twice a fast when you are thumbing through Tinder and Bumble profiles. I swear a 30-minute sweat session will pass like a breeze when you are aimlessly swiping left digging for something worthy of a swipe right.
• The potential surprise and uncertainty of what will be my fate that day is what gets me out of bed in the morning. Will I meet my swole mate in the squat rack at the gym? …Or will a white guy online ask me if I’d like to make a human Oreo in a threesome with two of his black friends?   The former is much more likely, though I pray for both each night equally.
• Talking to my cats (full blown conversations) without being judged.
• Having whatever the heck I want for dinner every night. If I want to have a huge bowl of veggies and then an entire pint of Halo Top ice cream for dinner, I will. Balance.
• Not having to clean up a man’s body hair from the bathroom. For some reason 1.5 ft. long blond hairs all over are far less offensive than short brown/black chest/back/head/pubic hair. And speaking of cleaning: the task is completed much faster when I am single because I used to have my ex grabbing my ass as I was bent over cleaning the toilet. Not the most romantic of settings.
• Not having to shave my legs until I want to, or until I am getting ready for a date where I think things might go farther than PG-13. Talk about time savings! I do actually worry about when I meet someone, what I will have to give up in my life to make time for shaving.
• Not having to share closet space. I have three closets and they are all full to brim with clothes and shoes. There is simply just no space for someone else’s stuff. I honestly can’t recall where I put all my stuff when I was living with my ex.
• I can mercilessly check out any good-looking man who crosses my path. The guy with the amazing squat booty at the gym or the sales guy who comes to my work to try to sell us chemicals.   Unfortunately in the later scenario I came to front desk at work with a hairnet on and lab coat covered in ice cream and chocolate sauce. Not my best look.   Still tried to flirt.
• 
• Sleeping like starfish in my bed with my limbs spread out as far as possible. While of course having respect for the placement and comfort level of the cats sleeping nearby.
• Movie choices. If I want to watch Bridesmaids, He’s Just Not That Into You, or the Notebook for the 100th time I will. And by the way, I regret every single time I slip into accidentally watching the Notebook. I end up super depressed and lonely and have to take a sleeping pill. Okay… sorry, trying to keep this a positive post. I’ll stop.
• Sex in the City. Can one really truly enjoy this show if they are in a relationship?  No. The full effect is best enjoyed while being single AF. You feel like “wow, these women are my soul mates”. See what I did there?
• Christmas time= more presents for me. The money that I would have spent on trying to improve the dress habits of my significant other is now spent on me for things I don’t need. New pair of gym shoes? Sure, why not!
• Not having to worry about whether the person I am dating is in fact right for me. I am an over thinker and a worrier so when I am seeing someone thoughts like that give me anxiety. Again, this is why I am single.
• No thermostat wars. If I want it to feel like a sauna in my house, so be it. And I am paying for my own damn gas bill anyways, so turn it up.
• The ability to sleep in on Saturdays until whenever the heck I want and not be bothered.
• Not having to answer to anyone about how I carry myself and what I do with my body. If I want to get 30+ body piercings, wear black nail polish and be a tan-o-holic  and bake in the sun with no sunscreen on, I will. And I will own it.

I will likely be the last of all my friends to get married and have kids, so by then they will have figured out exactly what to do and not to do and I will in the meantime just be taking notes.

Cheesy alert for these last two…

• The notion that I still have not met the love of my life and that someone is out there, just haven’t found each other yet. For me this is huge because I was with someone for a significant period of my life. High school acquaintances turned college sweethearts, but when one of you grows up faster than the other and you’re both not trying enough, even one time wonderful things come to an end. I am very much seeking that love and connection again and being single and not settling for anything less is sort of nice. Nice in a bittersweet, often lonely way.
• Being single is empowering. I look to all that I have accomplished, and for the most part it has been on my own. And sure it would be great to be sharing it with someone but until that right person comes around I am not forcing anything and will continue to (try) and enjoy fabulous single life.

We are not talking about pick up lines here. The ridiculous, vulgar, and cringe worthy pick up lines I’ve gotten will be another post. This piece is about the absurd, offensive, weird/make you scratch your head things that men have said to me straight to my face on a date:

1. “I don’t normally date blondes”. I have heard this at least 5 times to my face on a date. I stopped counting. Always from a white guy. Never from a black, Middle Eastern or Hispanic guy. Through years of hands on social studies I started when I was 15 years young, I have found that blondes are their kryptonite. And much love back at you brown and chocolate men! Seriously though where do you go after that “your hair color doesn’t do it for me” comment? Like hello buddy, I had several photos posted, and the profile said “blonde” under the hair color section.
2. “I normally date models. You’re short”. Hmmmm that’s nice…. I normally date smart, good-looking men with muscles… yet here we are. Again, the profile said I was 5’2” and an athletic build. Need I say more?
3. “You’d look good with a boob job” . Wow, well you’d look good with an education and some respect but we can’t always get what we want. Even funnier, this was a guy who begged me for a date. Why would you even say that then? Again, posted photos clearly showed that I was not blessed in that department.   And unless you are offering to buy me a boob job (of course I would keep it to something tasteful like a full C), then we are not going out again.
4. “I didn’t think you’d be smart”. Ironically, this guy and I actually dated for 4 months after he said this to my face on a first date.   We had a great time that night and ended meeting up the next morning at his gym for a hang over cure workout. I did a good job proving him wrong. This ended up being one of my best online dating mini relationships. Again, my profile said that I had a Masters in Science degree by 23 and that I was intelligent and seeking the same. Yet, he expected dumb blonde.

(Intermission):  What have we learned from situations 1-4 above? Um, that men do not read dating profiles and/or have very selective information absorption. Are you guys not paying attention? Unfortunately I do think a lot of it comes down to photos and the immediate attraction that you have to someone’s looks. And I am just as guilty. But the super critical Virgo/Quality Assurance manager in me reads men’s profiles very closely and sorts through them making mental highlight notes in my mind. If I see that a guy writes that he has a slender build and just a high school education I am not going to agree to a date and then meet up and say “Wow, I thought you’d be buffer and have a more extensive vocabulary” in person. Okay back to the list….

5. “Is that real? “ (referring to my hair… not my butt). And then proceeding to tug on a big chunk of hair while they go on to explain that they thought it was extensions and they had to check. If you’re used to dating woman with hair extensions I am probably not your type. Also, just out of curiosity, how does that normally work out for you when you tug on a girl’s hair and it comes out? I would imagine that the date does not go well from there.

6. “I’m running late, but don’t worry, no rush. I got us a hotel room”. This was the first date people. With 38 year old supposedly grown ass man. I stuck around for a half hour past when he was supposed to arrive just to see what a tool this guy was and then finally left when he still didn’t arrive.

7. “I could never introduce you to my family”. Always the fan of interracial dating, I was seeing a 23 year old Lebanese guy when I was 17. Yes, you read that correctly. Not sure what my mom was thinking letting me go out with an older guy in high school. Mom? He was a Good Guys employee who had asked me for my number after installing a CD player in my car. Anyways, we had being going out for a few months when he broke it to me that since I was a white girl his parents would never approve. Way to kill the vibe. Shame. He was nice. He bought me a star for my birthday named after me.

8. “I was in an accident a few years ago and my brain was damaged and I was set back to a 4^th grade learning level”. Okay…before you all call me a cold bitch for making light of this, what would you do in my shoes? This is red flag and concerning at the least. Like what else is not right with this guy and the wiring of his brain now? Sorry, but that was my cue to chug my vodka tonic and get the date over with by making some excuse that I was tired.

9. “You are the type of woman my dad warned me about”. I had to ask him to explain this one, and actually it ended up being a compliment. Or at least I took it as one. He said that his dad warned him about women who were independent, smart and outspoken. Check, check check. No arguing there. He was the type of guy I warn myself about, but seem to always fall for- muscles, good looking, confident, smooth talker. I figured the date was going nowhere positive. I was right.   Don’t know what got into me, but I proceeded to have a few too many Long Island ice teas that night and when I got home I threw up in the toilet and held my own damn hair.  If that’s not independent I know what is! First and last date with him.

10. “You’re uptight and you need to loosen up”. This needs the background story first: this guy was in the business of marijuana legalization and I had agreed to go out when him because otherwise he seemed pretty “normal” and like a good catch. He showed up completely high to the date and within the first five minutes he starts arguing with me about why I needed to smoke and chill more . Now I have nothing against smoking weed but for the first minutes of a date to be confrontational was uncalled for. Also I would hope that someone could show up NOT under the influence on a first date.  I said that to him to which he replied that “being high is [his] normal”.

P.S. I realize that the above would make any single female dread the dating scene, but I’ve been on a LOT of dates and these undesirable comments are few and far between. Also, it comes with the territory of putting yourself out there in the dating scene. People are weird, and not everyone knows how to be respectful. But that is the risk you are signing up for when agreeing to meet up with strangers to see if you hit it off. You develop thicker skin and a learn a lot about yourself in the process. That I can assure you.

Yes, this post is about dick pics. For those of you reading who have not had the pleasure of being in the dating world these past few years you might think that the dick pic is some phenomena that people talk about that doesn’t really exist in real life, like the bigfoot. You assume that surely no man is out there taking photos of his one eyed snake and actually sending them to women in an attempt to score points, but I can assure you that dick pics are real and they victimize single women in the dating scene everyday! Firsthand experience right here. The fact that I have to write this piece is evidence enough that there’s something wrong with the dating scene.  Things have changed. For the worse. I have a hard time believing the men of our parents’ generation were handing out polaroid pictures of “down” there when they were young and single and ready to mingle. So for the men out there, here are the reasons not to send a dick pic (from an intelligent, non-crazy, classy but definitely not a prude, female point of view):

1. It will be shared. With her friends, her coworkers (super weird if she’s like me and works with all men), her mom (what?……mom needs a laugh too!).
2. It will be very closely scrutinized. Not just by the woman you sent it to, but by all the those mentioned above in reason #1.
3. It will likely be saved on her phone. Obviously for reasons 1 and 2 above. But then she will forget to delete it and over time us poor women accumulate these questionable pictures in our photo reels. I swear, if I hadn’t have lost all my data during my last phone transition I would have had enough dick pics to have made a 365 day of the year pull away calendar. Note to self: back up icloud when finished posting.
4. You can’t take it back. Let’s say that somehow the receiver is able to see past the fact that you sent her a dick pic and actually give you a chance and you two end up dating. Her friends will have ALL seen your penis. Maybe even her mom.
5. Contrary to what you men think, we are not immediately aroused by the sight of a penis. They are just weird. I mean in the right lighting, with the right mood set it can be somewhat alluring. But for the most part, receiving a dick pic is not a pick me up moment in one’s day. Speaking from personal experience I know when I get one my face sort of scrunches up and I make an uncontrollable “ugh” gasping noise. And I am a straight as an arrow female who really likes men.
6. The “look what you did to me” caption along with a very erect dick picture is not flattering, nor thoughtful. Instead, try something like a selfie with a big smile across your face and tell us women “I woke up thinking about you and can’t stop smiling”. That’s cute. That’s something we will be proud to share with our friends. Thank me later guys.
7. No woman in her right mind would take a photo of her vagina and send it to guy in an attempt to lure him in. And same rule applies-vise versa. Emphasis on the “right mind” part.
8. If you have a simply amazing penis that just has to be shared with the world, and you must send a dick pic, think about timing. I get a little thrown off when I return to my desk early afternoon after a management meeting with a nice cup of coffee ready to be productive and I look down at my phone and there is an erect penis staring back at me.  I make the controllable “ugh” noise and scrunchy face. I start questioning…. “I am a classy career woman. What did I do to deserve this?”.
9. It takes away the surprise and the mystery. If we’ve never seen your penis before, we don’t want to see it for the first time in still life, in morning wood time bright lighting (which is when many of you creeps chose as your ideal photo op).   At least put a filter on there. Sheesh!
10. It affirms that you are one of “those guys”. The ones who we can’t really seriously consider catching feelings for because you’re kind of a player and not genuine. I’d like to believe that a guy who is sincerely interested in having something with a female would not send her a dick picture. It just shows where your head is at (no pun intended) and that you are just talking to her for hopes of being able to mess around.
11. Rules apply to all dicks. Don’t send a picture of another guy’s dick either. That is just weird. This has actually happened to me twice, with the explanation of “I like to watch my girl hook up with other men and I have this friend and here is his penis. What do you think?”. Where is the logic in that?

P.S. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the Chelsea Handler commentary on dick pics above.   I love this woman. I think she is my spirit animal.

Aside from the ever entertaining and time wasting dating sites and apps online, I have tried a few other approaches to finding a mate…

BEING SET UP BY MOM.

At 27 when I was newly single  and out of a long 7 year relationship my mom suggested that I meet up with a teacher friend’s little brother. At first I grumbled at the proposition but then after hearing about the guy who was an ex-fireman/paramedic now striving to be a doctor and seeing pictures of him I was more than sold on the idea. He was Assyrian (for those of you who don’t  know that is Middle Eastern), with dark skin and a million dollar smile. He was also so fun, lighthearted and goofy. We had our first date taking his dog to the dog beach in HB and then to lunch. I couldn’t have asked for better chemistry on a first date.  We were both really into each other and it felt so natural. Another thing you have to know about this guy is that at 31 he was a 4^th stage Hodgkin Lymphoma cancer survivor. No shit! But looking at him and his vigor and killer good looks you would never have known that a few years back he had been very sick fighting cancer in the hospital. You couldn’t help but fall in love with the guy’s story. I fell pretty hard for him. Maybe it was the excitement of meeting someone I felt I clicked with after coming off of a long relationship that wasn’t so ideal toward the end of things.   But…..after a few months of seeing each other (spare you all the racy details as I know my mother is reading this), he takes a trip up to his old stomping grounds San Francisco. I was supposed to pick him up from the airport and upon not hearing from him I reach out to see what was up. Turns out he had crossed paths and “bumped into” his ex girlfriend who had gone through the cancer fight with him and he realized that there were still feelings there. How does one compete with that? … They don’t! You win ex girlfriend, you win! And thanks mom, I know the intention was good.

ADVENTURES IN SPEED DATING.

Yes, you know what I mean. The sitting down across a little table from a complete stranger and forcing awkward conversation and eye contact for a set period of time until a buzzer sounds. The men do the musical chairs rotation around the room just like in the “40 Year Old Virgin” movie, but in reality it is way less entertaining. Painful in fact.   The event was hosted by Match.com and I figured “what the heck, I haven’t tried this before!” It was a Thursday evening in L.A. so I left work a bit earlier, getting myself all dolled up there.  For me this includes running a hair straightener through my hair to get out the “hairnet hair” kinks and re-applying some face powder to try to matte out the effects of being in a wet/humid factory all day. I laugh while typing this because I think about how I used to work at a fish processing plant and go to dates straight after work from there. Wonder if I ever smelled like fish? Hmm…. Was that a contributing factor to why I was single from 2012-2014? Ok…. Back to the story. I get to the speed dating event, having to park in a shady ass area of L.A. and already telling myself “this better be worth it”. Ten minutes in, before the event even starts I am realizing that this room is full of the most socially awkward, nervous looking people that have ever been gathered in the same room. I am one  who will talk to anyone with no shame. My social butterfly self felt so out of place and overqualified as I walked to a table setting and sat down. They had coaster cards on the table with prompts for how to start conversations with one another, such as “if you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go”, or “what is the last thing that made you laugh?”, or “what would you best friend say are the best qualities about you?”.   The event starts and I made it through 3-10 minute sessions with (1) the farmer’s son who was home schooled, (2) the pharmaceutical drug researcher who talks to lab cultures and pipettes all day long (I’m a fellow ex-lab rat, so I’m not hating, it just doesn’t make for good social skills), and (3) a guy in suspenders and coke-bottle glasses who I swear had to be special-ed and who just smiled nervously at me for what might have been the longest and most awkward 10 minute “conversation” of my life . Then there was a gap due to the fact that one less man came versus the count of women. I used that gap to escape, head down speed walking out of the room, not even looking the match.com host in eye. I drove home half laughing/half crying playing back the hilarity of the situation and how I had actually thought it was going to be a positive experience. Never again. Never again. The cherry on top is that after the event match.com sends out an email with all the profiles of the attendees listed and the lab rat guy had really thought that we hit it off and asked me out. I had to turn him down gently by saying I just “didn’t feel the spark”. That line had been used on me previously and I stole it.

 

OPEN CASTING CALL FOR THE BACHELOR.

Let me start this of by saying that this was not one of my prouder moments. But you when you are single and have nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon and the casting call is 20 minutes away, why the f*** not? It was a rainy day in May. I walk in and make a potty stop and there are women in the bathroom distraught and crying (literally) that their hair got messed up on the way from the car. My stick straight blonde “hairdo” looked the same. I then walk into the event room of the hotel and realize I have never been surrounded by so many good looking women in my life. I mean I consider myself a strong 8, heavily dependent upon how much effort I have put in, and if you are into petite, buff slightly rough around the edges looking blondes. But that day, in that room with 500 other women from the OC area I felt like a 4! Immediately I thought “ Wow! I need to find out where the open casting call of the Bachelorette is and go camp out there and give creepy stares to the gorgeous single men ”.  The casting call process was hilarious. You wait in line for an application to fill out that is 7 pages long. My straight-A student always on top it self was one of the only ones to have theirs pre-filled out. Come on. Those of you who know me, would you expect anything less? Then comes the photo portion where each girl poses while they take a face and full body picture.   Makes sense now how all the girls with stick thin model bodies make it on the show, doesn’t it? Watching the other beauty queens pose I was thinking “shoot, I wasn’t prepared for this”. Finally there is the interview portion where they basically want to figure out how crazy and unstable you are.   They also want to confirm that you are a fan of the show and inquire which of the next potential bachelors who are in the running you are pinning for. I failed that test miserably as I was not a regular viwer of the show at the time. They also give you bonus points for having some weird ass job (those of you who watch the show will understand). I thought that fact that I made ice cream for a living was pretty cool. Guess not. No call back. No surprise there. On the way home that day I got pulled over and got a ticket for not having the updated registration on my car.   To the casting call I had worn a tight little army print skirt that my crotch was near visible in when I sat down and I still got the ticket. From a male cop. I then really felt like 4.

 

TRY PROFESSIONAL MATCH MAKING THEY SAID.

I logged into a fancy upscale professional match making site just for shits and giggles to see what it was about and I made a profile. After spitting out my coffee when finding out it was $12,000 to become a paying member, I closed the window on the computer and thought “well…that’s not worth it!” But my info was still on the site and week later I get a call from a match maker name Kira from Kelleher International who felt that I would be a great match for a member she was working with.   Honestly, I did get a little excited as she was telling me about this guy. Entrepreneur and business owner by 16, well dressed, works out, speak multiple languages, family oriented… blah blah blah.   As part of the process she interviews me about myself and what I am looking for as well. “Perfect match” according to her. Ha! We shall see Kira!…. So cut to the case she gives this mystery guy my number and informs me he’s going to call me that Friday night and set up a first date. He and I talk and have good conversation as two intelligent, talkative people would over the phone but I was little caught off guard by his somewhat higher pitched voice over the phone. And get this, according to the rules of service….You’re not supposed to exchange photos of one another before going out! In hindsight, what was I thinking when I agreed to meet up that next night without knowing what this guy looked like? Possibly my judgment was blurred by all the dick pics and “DTF?” messages I had been bombarded with recently and I was just figuring this would at least be worth a shot. Before breaking the photo exchange rule we attempted to describe what one another looks like over the phone and what we were seeking physical feature wise. He told me that he was looking for a Blake Lively look alike. To that I answered that I could possibly pass for her shorter, thicker, flat chested sister. Hey, at least I was honest. He was not.   Or possibly I am really bad at visualizing what a “muscular, dark skinned, handsome man” looks like. Wait…. Nope… pretty sure I dream about them every night, and the photo he sent me shortly after bared no resemblance. Let’s just say that the guy looked like one of the most beautiful Indian women that you have ever seen, but in a man’s designer clothes and with a receding hair line. Eeeek! I know right!?!?! So the ending to this adventure in professional match making is a little anti-climactic in that we never actually met up in person because I suggested that we just meet casually for coffee instead of the lavish all night out on the town in L.A. romantic date that he had planned. He was pissed and lashed back saying that he would have preferred someone more feminine anyways. I guess I don’t blame him since I had agreed to the date, but that was before the appearance shock. I just knew I wouldn’t be into him. I have a five second rule where I know instantaneously when I see a guy if I could ever sleep with him. It’s like sixth sense. Works every time. Ok that sounds bad. I mean I don’t act on it every time. Ugh, I should stop here. So moral of this tale is to be cautious with the professional match making. Glad I didn’t pay the $12,000 for that experience. The money would be better spent on freezing my eggs.

“How are you single?” For those of you single people in the exhausting and horrifying world of dating/online dating, don’t you just love that question? I get asked it a lot.  Too much. And thus, the first post of my blog with revolve around that very question… “Why am I single”. I will branch out from here and get into some of my horrendous dating stories, but I figured this would be a good starting point for you all to get a good sense of who I am as you follow me through the adventures of being a successful, smart, and single woman trying to find love. So here we go. Why am I single….

1. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that doesn’t bother me. I’m a little sassy. Ok, a lot sassy. I don’t have a pushover bone in my body. I was raised by a strong woman, and my career as a female boss in a male dominated (>95%) manufacturing environment workspace only solidified my assertive demeanor. Physical feature wise, I am a 5’2” little buff powerhouse. Not every man wants a woman who needs a booster seat for go-karting (true first date/last date story) but who can also squat her weight and then some. My legs are bigger than those of most 6’ tall men. Try as I might, I don’t do the feminine thing very well. I curse like a sailor, don’t know how to sit in a skirt, have had the same plain straight “hairdo” since I was 15, and I am 31 years old and have never had a manicure. I do kill it in heels though. So I have that going for me. I also have 30+ body piercings. All of them are tastefully done and beautiful if you ask me, but it can be a little shocking for some. I don’t have a filter. I say what I mean and am thinking at any moment. I’ve been at the dating game for a solid 4 years now and I can proudly say that I have been my 100% unscripted self on every date. Likely a major contributing factor to why I am single.   But, someone put up with me and dated me for 7+ years so I still think there is hope.
2. I know my worth and I bring a lot to the table: I am educated, own my place along with 3 other rental properties, I have a great, good paying job that I love (most days), I take care of myself, working out hard 6-7 days a week for both sanity and vanity. All the above being said I have high expectations and standards for my significant other. I am still a believer in the fact that somewhere out there exists the male version of myself. Probably going to die and adopt 20 cats in the process of looking for him but the quest makes for good stories and laughs for my friends and family. Also, the search results in little short lived flings with some really good quality men with whom it just doesn’t work out with for one reason or another. Typically things don’t end on a bad note, so I consider all these guys to be prospective good sperm donor candidates in the future. You think I’m kidding. You’re wrong.
3. Dating sucks. Let’s be real… today’s dating culture, both online and the “organic” real life “we met at the grocery store” type of thing sucks and is extremely exhausting, overwhelming (and underwhelming at the same time), and depressing. With so many potential prospects with glamorous head shots and shirtless selfies, there is always the possibility that the grass is greener. And that makes both parties second guess who they are spending time with. It also makes commitment and buying in to something lasting even less likely. We now have terms like “ghosting”, “padding”, “side piece”, “fuck boy” and “cuffing season”, all of which I am sure will soon be added to the Webster Dictionary. And I am just as guilty. After 4.5 years of being single and online dating (and dating a LOT) I have become extremely picky. You do get the sense that you can develop a grocery list of what you are looking for and start shopping. Through online dating you do realize that the odds are good, but the goods are odd (and damaged).   I am a Match.com dropout after 4 years. Every time I hear or see those damn commercials about “people who use Match are three times more likely to find a relationship” I roll my eyes and think “Wow, does that mean that if I wasn’t on Match that I would be 3 times more single? Yikes. Time to get cat #3. And by the way I had been on Match so dang long that they started to use my profile in national ads. Sigh.
4. My job. I am a female manager working amongst ALL men. Literally 95%+ of my interaction at work is with men. Spare you all the details of my typical work day as the manufacturing plants’ Quality Assurance/Food Safety Manager, but I basically get paid the big bucks at work to make sure all the men follow the rules (SOP’s for those familiar with the term), nag and or discipline them if they do not and to walk around the factory not trusting anything they do, assuming that they’re up to no good.   Sounds just like the sweet, gentle, and supportive woman that every man wants to date doesn’t it? Don’t all you fellas rush over here at once. Single file line please. I had a “friends with benefits “of 3 years (yes… three years. I must have been doing something right…. and wrong for that matter) tell me that I shouldn’t tell guys what I do for a living when I am out on a date because “no guy wants to date a girl who is tough and bosses men around all day”. Sad. But apparently it is okay to sleep with them for 3 + years. Ha! Shortly the “benefits” of that friend were no longer deemed worth it.
5. I have an appreciation for the proper use of grammar and one’s ability to converse. Unfortunately the use of proper grammar, full words, and proper sentence structure are dying arts. Texting shorthand, the age of the hip acronym, and the evolution of the emoij have made online dating conversations those that our parents’ generation couldn’t even read or imagine. The other day I got a “GM bby. HYD? HMU.” Let me translate that for you: “Good morning baby, how you doing? Hit me up.”   It is no wonder I would rather talk to my cat. If you cannot manage to spell out “good morning”, capitalize your own name or get the usage of “you’re” and “your” straight I believe this is a direct reflection of the effort and care you will put into a relationship. Sorry I said it. And as for the emojis (modern day hieroglyphics), what the heck am I supposed to do with a heart eyed emoji followed by a bouquet of roses? Say thanks with the kissy face emoji? Much more on the messages I get online in future posts. Those of you who follow me on Facebook or Instagram know there is plenty of cringe worthy material there.
6. I have cats.  Most men hate cats. A lot. I think it has to do with the fact that men like to be needed and have their egos stroked and cats don’t need you, so by design, the two are just not compatible.  To make matters worse, the times that I actually do have a man over to spend the night (earmuffs mom) without fail my little boy cat Nacho will hack up the hugest and loudest hairball right next to the bed in the middle of the night. Now under normal no male friend slumber party nights he never ever does this.  It is as if he is marking his territory with a big  “F-you. I hope you like this, because this is what life will be like should you chose to stick around”.  Another reason I am probably single is that I am actually a lot like my cats. I don’t feel like I need a man. It’s been so dang long since someone made me feel like I needed them. I think the cats are onto something. Like just take me out to dinner (feed me) and scratch my back and make me purr (do I really need to give you the second part of the analogy here?… use your imagination), and otherwise just leave me alone.
7. Another reason I am single is that I have a type. That type is smart AND freakishly good looking, AND buff. Don’t judge me. It just tends to happen that way. Ha! This trifecta is not a requirement, though it is preferred.  However, I do feel it is a requirement that the guy will want to work out with me. I think there is something totally awesome and bond building about a couple who pushes themselves to physical limits together. Call me strange but I have been a jock my whole life and that mentality never left me.   Also, a fit, muscular physique on a man shows dedication, persistence, commitment and a little vanity- all of which as qualities I possess and hold in high regard. Any single gym rats reading this? But then wait. There’s a catch…..you have to be into working out and smart.   I know what you are thinking…. You are crazy. Maybe I am, but I hate settling.
8. I’ve genuinely been trying more lately to date outside that type. No luck. Most recently I was seeing this super sweet guy who didn’t lift (and whose thighs are half the size of mine, if that).   I’m was trying to not let the fact that we didn’t have working out in common bother me, but then I was out running errands and walked out of Vitamin Shoppe with creatine, pre-workout and $100 worth of protein powder it hit me… like “who are you trying to fool girl? “. You are a gym rat looking for your swolemate to lift with and then head home for protein shakes and “cardio”. As you can imagine wanting someone who has fitness as a priority in their life significantly limits the dating pool. And before you call me shallow… It is just as much about, if not more about lifestyle as it is about looks and aesthetics.
9. I am intimidating. We are talking like scare crap out of men at work intimidating, such that they can’t speak clearly and/or they purposely don’t get too close to me. I’ll be honest that I get a kick out of it. However, I get told all the time that that translates to real life outside of work so this complicates luring in a nice guy.   I am not 100% sure where this comes from, but I will say that I have an extremely sharp jaw line which equates to a serious case of resting bitch face. Plus, I think there is something surprisingly scary about a 5’2” petite blonde female with a loud assertive voice. I’ve even had a guy ask me on a first date, “Have you always had that voice?” I wasn’t even sure what to make of it.

I am sure I could go on forever about why I am single. Heck, it might be even be fun to let my friends, exes and mom chime in. I see a future post in the making. Come back around for the next post titled “You Can’t Say I Haven’t Tried” which is about some of the other ways that I have tried to find the one, aside from online dating.