Dear gorgeous, buff and often tattooed men on Bumble: stop swiping right on me! Before you start to think “Wow this girl is full of herself!”, let me back track and explain. Also, please read on and understand that I am making light of the fact that Bumble and its predecessor Tinder are entirely driven by physical attraction and ones’ looks. I am also making light of how I both search for and attract the wrong type of men. In fact I could have titled this post “This is Why I am Single: Poor Taste in Men Edition”, but I chose instead to blame the men. It just came naturally as that is what I do all the time at work anyways. Reminder that I work in a factory with all men and I am the only Queen B and as the Quality Assurance/Food Safety Manager I am always right. 🙂
So back to the explaining…. I have a weakness and respect for men with muscles. Somehow it got engrained in my head that is what a man should look like and it has always been the type I seek out. Cue the personal trainers, younger boy toys with enough time on their hands to be hitting the gym for hours each day, and narcissistic career men who still keep up appearances in the gym. And if these muscles come with good looks and a killer smile I’m in trouble. I am almost 32 years old and very mature and responsible in most aspects of my life, but I still have not learned that you cannot shop for men with just your eyes. I mean I am looking for the whole package but I am human and it is the age of online dating where it really is all about instant aesthetic attraction to someone and then, if you are like me you (over) analyze their profile.
Much to my delight and dismay these gorgeous buff men do come around. Notice I said come around, not stick around. The problem with that for me is that it screws with my brain and makes me think that maybe, just maybe one of these dangerously good looking men is actually going to want the same things I want… commitment, making an effort toward a great relationship, quality time doing things other than bedroom activities, and down the line marriage and kids. But no. Usually they just want to come into my life for a either (1) a few weeks of texting back and forth and never actually taking initiative to meet up , (2) one date after which they realize I am not the crazy chick who is going to get white girl wasted and sleep with them on the first night or (3) sticking around just long enough for me to catch feelings and then disappear/start acting disinterested and distant.
(truth…. sigh)
So this weekend I conducted a little experiment on Bumble swiping right on every freakishly good-looking muscle man seeing how many I could “catch”. Let’s be real, I was not soul mate searching here. It was just based on looks and nothing else such as location, proper use of grammar, or weeding out guys who had more than one shirtless selfie (one is ok), professional headshots, and/or photos in the club with girls hanging off them. But before doing that I ensured that I had a great profile photo to show a little skin and some others to show that I also spend a good amount of time in the gym. Like attracts like, right? I then swiped away. On the Stairmaster at the gym. While laying out tanning. While watching TV with my cat. The aimless swiping is actually addictive and entertaining. You non-single people are missing out. It’s like people watching but being able to do it privately through your phone. You can do all the “ohhs”, “ahhs”, “yucks” and eye rolls you want without being judged. All the screen shots you see below are those of men that I “matched” with (meaning we both swiped right on each other). Finish off this article and you’ll see why my head is a little messed up and my standards set possibly too high. To be clear I do not genuinely think that most of these men would be into me for real. I took a damn good photo of myself along with some other flattering photos of me in my element in an effort to catch good-looking members of the opposite sex. And they did the same. However, a match made in online dating heaven is more than about looks, even though that is what initially brings the two parties together.
So that you see what I am working with to lure the men in, here is my profile and main photo:
Note: I look like the above <1% of the time. This took effort, way more make-up than I normally wear, a little booty pop posing and I actually “did” my hair and put some product in it before blow drying for some volume. I cannot commit to this amount of primping on a daily basis. Most of my time is spent in gym clothes and lab coats. And now, the eye candy…..
Geez. I don’t even know if I’d want to be with a guy this pretty. That’s a lot of pressure.
Another personal trainer…..
My swipe right success rate with personal trainers is upwards of 85%. Ha! Hey, it would have its perks since I’d always have someone to kick my ass in the gym.
Funny story about this guy “John” who I matched with.
All the ladies reading this deserve a close up (and are you freaking kidding me??? Drool)
“John” and I actually went out on a few dates back in 2014 and he was just as gorgeous in person. Like I think I might have salivated a little, okay maybe a lot. But you could tell he was a game player who just liked the thought of female company here and there. I didn’t want to chase him or be one of the many females “friends” he had. I’m an only child. We don’t share well. And some three years later here we are back online to meet up again on Bumble. I referred to him with “John” in air quotes because he used to go by Ali. I decided to call him out on changing his name. I suppose he thought “John” would be little more approachable. I prefer Ali, though it did complicate things because I already had quite a few Ali’s in my phone at the time.
Then there is this guy. I also have a really high “success” rate with black men. They love their little white girls. And isn’t it cute how Bumble puts you two side by side when you match up so you can see what a cute couple you would be.? Gosh, gets me every time!
And yes he does have a face (if that matters with abs like that), but unfortunately that face was covered in Snapchat filters. So not cute. All you men out there take note. I read all your profiles saying how annoyed you are with girls having puppy dog faces and flower crowns in their photos. It goes both ways.
This guys’ headline was “the most interesting man in LA”. So I proceeded to ask him what made him so interesting. No response. Apparently mysterious silence makes him intriguing.
It’s a good thing this guy lives farther away in Corona or else I’d likely have initiated contact and made some poor decisions.
Having a dating app such as Bumble where a significant amount (disproportionate as compared to the “normal” population) of men look like this makes it really hard, at least for me, to keep scrolling on a site like Elite Singles which is full of successful accomplished men genuinely looking for commitment. Every time I would scroll through my “Daily Matches” on Elite Singles I would think to myself “Ugh, but I don’t see myself sleeping with any of these men”. Gosh that sounds shallow. Not sorry.
Maybe it is the Alpha female in me, but I work hard and I feel like I should be able to come home to someone nice to look at. Or more correctly put, someone I am super attracted to both physically and mentally. This is probably part of the reason I am single. And being teased with men like this does not help. If you are a woman and you finished reading this post I hope you enjoyed the objectification of men for a change (and the eye candy) . If you are a buff, drop dead gorgeous man who read this and saw the humor in it, please contact me. I would love you to mess with my head and waste my time. I’d love to make some more poor decisions before I hit 35 and just give up and get a sperm donor.