How are you (still) single?

“How are you single?” For those of you single people in the exhausting and horrifying world of dating/online dating, don’t you just love that question? I get asked it a lot.  Too much. And thus, the first post of my blog with revolve around that very question… “Why am I single”. I will branch out from here and get into some of my horrendous dating stories, but I figured this would be a good starting point for you all to get a good sense of who I am as you follow me through the adventures of being a successful, smart, and single woman trying to find love. So here we go. Why am I single….

1. I am not everyone’s cup of tea and that doesn’t bother me. I’m a little sassy. Ok, a lot sassy. I don’t have a pushover bone in my body. I was raised by a strong woman, and my career as a female boss in a male dominated (>95%) manufacturing environment workspace only solidified my assertive demeanor. Physical feature wise, I am a 5’2” little buff powerhouse. Not every man wants a woman who needs a booster seat for go-karting (true first date/last date story) but who can also squat her weight and then some. My legs are bigger than those of most 6’ tall men. Try as I might, I don’t do the feminine thing very well. I curse like a sailor, don’t know how to sit in a skirt, have had the same plain straight “hairdo” since I was 15, and I am 31 years old and have never had a manicure. I do kill it in heels though. So I have that going for me. I also have 30+ body piercings. All of them are tastefully done and beautiful if you ask me, but it can be a little shocking for some. I don’t have a filter. I say what I mean and am thinking at any moment. I’ve been at the dating game for a solid 4 years now and I can proudly say that I have been my 100% unscripted self on every date. Likely a major contributing factor to why I am single.   But, someone put up with me and dated me for 7+ years so I still think there is hope.
2. I know my worth and I bring a lot to the table: I am educated, own my place along with 3 other rental properties, I have a great, good paying job that I love (most days), I take care of myself, working out hard 6-7 days a week for both sanity and vanity. All the above being said I have high expectations and standards for my significant other. I am still a believer in the fact that somewhere out there exists the male version of myself. Probably going to die and adopt 20 cats in the process of looking for him but the quest makes for good stories and laughs for my friends and family. Also, the search results in little short lived flings with some really good quality men with whom it just doesn’t work out with for one reason or another. Typically things don’t end on a bad note, so I consider all these guys to be prospective good sperm donor candidates in the future. You think I’m kidding. You’re wrong.
3. Dating sucks. Let’s be real… today’s dating culture, both online and the “organic” real life “we met at the grocery store” type of thing sucks and is extremely exhausting, overwhelming (and underwhelming at the same time), and depressing. With so many potential prospects with glamorous head shots and shirtless selfies, there is always the possibility that the grass is greener. And that makes both parties second guess who they are spending time with. It also makes commitment and buying in to something lasting even less likely. We now have terms like “ghosting”, “padding”, “side piece”, “fuck boy” and “cuffing season”, all of which I am sure will soon be added to the Webster Dictionary. And I am just as guilty. After 4.5 years of being single and online dating (and dating a LOT) I have become extremely picky. You do get the sense that you can develop a grocery list of what you are looking for and start shopping. Through online dating you do realize that the odds are good, but the goods are odd (and damaged).   I am a Match.com dropout after 4 years. Every time I hear or see those damn commercials about “people who use Match are three times more likely to find a relationship” I roll my eyes and think “Wow, does that mean that if I wasn’t on Match that I would be 3 times more single? Yikes. Time to get cat #3. And by the way I had been on Match so dang long that they started to use my profile in national ads. Sigh.
4. My job. I am a female manager working amongst ALL men. Literally 95%+ of my interaction at work is with men. Spare you all the details of my typical work day as the manufacturing plants’ Quality Assurance/Food Safety Manager, but I basically get paid the big bucks at work to make sure all the men follow the rules (SOP’s for those familiar with the term), nag and or discipline them if they do not and to walk around the factory not trusting anything they do, assuming that they’re up to no good.   Sounds just like the sweet, gentle, and supportive woman that every man wants to date doesn’t it? Don’t all you fellas rush over here at once. Single file line please. I had a “friends with benefits “of 3 years (yes… three years. I must have been doing something right…. and wrong for that matter) tell me that I shouldn’t tell guys what I do for a living when I am out on a date because “no guy wants to date a girl who is tough and bosses men around all day”. Sad. But apparently it is okay to sleep with them for 3 + years. Ha! Shortly the “benefits” of that friend were no longer deemed worth it.
5. I have an appreciation for the proper use of grammar and one’s ability to converse. Unfortunately the use of proper grammar, full words, and proper sentence structure are dying arts. Texting shorthand, the age of the hip acronym, and the evolution of the emoij have made online dating conversations those that our parents’ generation couldn’t even read or imagine. The other day I got a “GM bby. HYD? HMU.” Let me translate that for you: “Good morning baby, how you doing? Hit me up.”   It is no wonder I would rather talk to my cat. If you cannot manage to spell out “good morning”, capitalize your own name or get the usage of “you’re” and “your” straight I believe this is a direct reflection of the effort and care you will put into a relationship. Sorry I said it. And as for the emojis (modern day hieroglyphics), what the heck am I supposed to do with a heart eyed emoji followed by a bouquet of roses? Say thanks with the kissy face emoji? Much more on the messages I get online in future posts. Those of you who follow me on Facebook or Instagram know there is plenty of cringe worthy material there.
6. I have cats.  Most men hate cats. A lot. I think it has to do with the fact that men like to be needed and have their egos stroked and cats don’t need you, so by design, the two are just not compatible.  To make matters worse, the times that I actually do have a man over to spend the night (earmuffs mom) without fail my little boy cat Nacho will hack up the hugest and loudest hairball right next to the bed in the middle of the night. Now under normal no male friend slumber party nights he never ever does this.  It is as if he is marking his territory with a big  “F-you. I hope you like this, because this is what life will be like should you chose to stick around”.  Another reason I am probably single is that I am actually a lot like my cats. I don’t feel like I need a man. It’s been so dang long since someone made me feel like I needed them. I think the cats are onto something. Like just take me out to dinner (feed me) and scratch my back and make me purr (do I really need to give you the second part of the analogy here?… use your imagination), and otherwise just leave me alone.
7. Another reason I am single is that I have a type. That type is smart AND freakishly good looking, AND buff. Don’t judge me. It just tends to happen that way. Ha! This trifecta is not a requirement, though it is preferred.  However, I do feel it is a requirement that the guy will want to work out with me. I think there is something totally awesome and bond building about a couple who pushes themselves to physical limits together. Call me strange but I have been a jock my whole life and that mentality never left me.   Also, a fit, muscular physique on a man shows dedication, persistence, commitment and a little vanity- all of which as qualities I possess and hold in high regard. Any single gym rats reading this? But then wait. There’s a catch…..you have to be into working out and smart.   I know what you are thinking…. You are crazy. Maybe I am, but I hate settling.
8. I’ve genuinely been trying more lately to date outside that type. No luck. Most recently I was seeing this super sweet guy who didn’t lift (and whose thighs are half the size of mine, if that).   I’m was trying to not let the fact that we didn’t have working out in common bother me, but then I was out running errands and walked out of Vitamin Shoppe with creatine, pre-workout and $100 worth of protein powder it hit me… like “who are you trying to fool girl? “. You are a gym rat looking for your swolemate to lift with and then head home for protein shakes and “cardio”. As you can imagine wanting someone who has fitness as a priority in their life significantly limits the dating pool. And before you call me shallow… It is just as much about, if not more about lifestyle as it is about looks and aesthetics.
9. I am intimidating. We are talking like scare crap out of men at work intimidating, such that they can’t speak clearly and/or they purposely don’t get too close to me. I’ll be honest that I get a kick out of it. However, I get told all the time that that translates to real life outside of work so this complicates luring in a nice guy.   I am not 100% sure where this comes from, but I will say that I have an extremely sharp jaw line which equates to a serious case of resting bitch face. Plus, I think there is something surprisingly scary about a 5’2” petite blonde female with a loud assertive voice. I’ve even had a guy ask me on a first date, “Have you always had that voice?” I wasn’t even sure what to make of it.

I am sure I could go on forever about why I am single. Heck, it might be even be fun to let my friends, exes and mom chime in. I see a future post in the making. Come back around for the next post titled “You Can’t Say I Haven’t Tried” which is about some of the other ways that I have tried to find the one, aside from online dating.