“It will happen when you least expect it”. Do not say this to your single friends. We hate it. It’s like nails on a chalkboard. If I hear this from one more person who already has a significant other, I will lose my shit. Let me ask you this, you wise person who insists that this the key to finding love….. how does one go about “least expecting it”? Is it about trying not to try? I feel like I already do that pretty damn well when I run errands on the weekend as the least presentable version of myself wearing no make-up, wet hair and sweats. And I already go to gym with headphones in blasting gangster rap and never breaking my repping bitch face (see what I did there? “Reps”, not “resting””…haha!) to ensure that I look extremely unapproachable because working out is the goal, not picking up men. Are you telling me to try even less? Please elaborate…. I’ll wait. Wait just like I have been for this prince charming of mine for the past 5 years.
I actually really like to test this notion when I am out with a couple by asking “so how did you guys meet?”. As they answer I try to think if that was really an example of least expecting it. Usually not the case. And as far as least expecting it, I will say this: I NEVER wake up expecting that I am going to meet “the one” that day. What I do expect is that I will get about five “GM bby, HYD?” messages, an average of three creepy looks from contractors or truckers at work, and at least one offer to participate in a sexual act from some guy online. Even on days when I have a date I no longer expect it to be a positive or worthwhile experience. I know that sounds jaded but it’s the truth. So if you ask me, I am doing a DAMN good job of not expecting it already. Now where is my Mr. Right?
And now, for some other things that you think are full of wisdom but that you should NOT say to your single friends:
“You’re being too picky”. Would you have wanted to hear this when you were dating? No. Personally speaking, I bring a lot to the table and I expect to be accompanied by someone as equally awesome. See first blog post. There is nothing wrong with knowing what you want. I am flexible on some of those “wants” and I have broadened my “type” over these fruitless dating years, but still no luck. And you know what? That initial “type” that I seek out still always comes back around. Just not for the long term. It’s a vicious cycle of getting what I want and then losing it.
“You should look into freezing your eggs”. That makes me feel like a failure. I already know the biological clock it ticking. I think about that all the time, calculating in my head like ……”Okay if I meet someone this summer, we have to date for at least a year before we know if we love or hate each other, and then at least another 1-2 years before engagement /marriage, and then maybe within a year or two a kid”. And then boom…. I’m in my late thirties and having a kid, which is what I said I would not do. You may be right, but I don’t want to seriously have to be told to consider that extreme just yet.
“It will happen when it’s supposed to happen.” Here’s another one that is high on the list of things that make us single people want to hit you in the face when you say it. It just seems likes one of those empty statements that are supposed to instill hope into the hearts of single souls. It does not. It instills frustration. And as far as defining “supposed to happen” for me on a personal level, I think I am extremely ready, so any day now please! I have a solid job, my own place and rental properties, been single long enough to not have any prior baggage or latch-ons and ready to really want something serious, and I am ready to have and support kids. What could be more “supposed to” about that? Ugh. Maybe I am expecting it too much.
“You should pick up a new hobby and you’ll meet someone that way”. Here’s what I don’t like about this one: I am 31 years old, am pretty set in my ways, and know pretty damn well what I find fun and that is working out/gym rat time, peaceful runs outside, fishing, and some going out with friends here and there. I don’t really know if I want or even have time for a new hobby. Also, as someone who has participated in enough single mixers and awful first dates during which I have met no one I clicked with, I just have a hard time believing in the odds of someone I’ll be into who will also be into me, just coincidentally signing up for rock climbing or painting class. Again, I know that sounds negative but I am the blog author here and I tend to be a pessimist/realist.
“Join an online dating site”. Those of you who know me via Facebook or Instagram will know very well why this is not the easy answer. The odds are good, but the goods are odd. And don’t tell your single friend “you’re just not on the right site”. To that I will say that I have been on a lot of different dating sites/apps and they are all very much the same. And by “same” I even mean the same people. Literally the same faces, but painting a slightly different picture of themselves depending on what site it is. Dating is hard. Trying to date with online dating as the starting point is even more difficult because the online dating world is full of people who can hide behind a screen sending small talk messages and “winks” and “smiles” but then not truly want to take the initiative to meet up. I smirk when I see a guy with a headline of “let’s match up and never talk or meet”, because that is sadly so true of online dating.
“Go to church and meet a nice guy there”. I know the intentions are good on this one, but with the exception of attending Lutheran preschool and church every week when I was 5, religion has never been an important in my life and I cannot image meeting someone in church and essentially pretending that religion was something that mattered to me. The foundation of the relationship would be a lie. Isn’t lying a sin? ….what do I know?
“Meet someone at the grocery store”. Okay sure. Next time you are in the produce section you try making eye contact with someone and initiating conversation. And if you think you’re a really an overachiever do it near the banana section. This is just not realistic though I’ve seen some men try. I had a guy stop me a tell me “you’re too beautiful to be shopping alone”. Let me paint the picture for you: I was wearing booty shorts, having just come from the gym and I was standing up onto the refrigerator case of the yogurt section trying to reach the particular flavor I wanted. He was pushing one of those shopping carts with the yellow and red toy car at the front and his two kids were inside starting at me as well. Fail. Another reason this will not work for me in particular is that I have a Masters Degree in Food Science. I literally studied food for 5 years and have committed my life to the food industry so pretending like I don’t know how to pick out a cantaloupe just won’t work for me. Also I am likely to get in a fight with some guy with man bun who tries to tell me that organic produce is better for me. Please.
You’re too intimidating. It scares men away”. You’re basically telling me that I am too much “me” and my personality, and that I need to tone it down in order to attract and trap and man. I say “trap” because I’d at first have to pretend I am something that I am not but the truth would come out. Telling your single friend that they are too much of anything is not helpful.
“You’re not putting yourself out there enough.” Don’t say this to your single friend, especially if they are in fact actively participating in dating/online dating and trying to have a social life. I am doing both and short of wearing an “I’m single” T-shirt, I don’t know what more I can do. And sometimes us single people do genuinely enjoy being homebodies because it’s not always fun going out and being the 11th wheel and “the single one”. I know, shocker. Lastly, on a personal note, match.com used my profile in a national ad for them, so talk about being out there! But…..I’m still single!
“Being single is so fun. Enjoy it while you can”. Okay sure. And I know I just wrote the post about the “Small Joys of Being Single,” but for the most part being single while everyone around you is coupled up and getting married and having kids is the pits. Add on the exhausting process of trying to date and being single is extremely hard. If you think being single is fun, re-read the first few posts and then change places with me. I dare you.