You can’t say I haven’t tried.

Aside from the ever entertaining and time wasting dating sites and apps online, I have tried a few other approaches to finding a mate…

BEING SET UP BY MOM.

At 27 when I was newly single  and out of a long 7 year relationship my mom suggested that I meet up with a teacher friend’s little brother. At first I grumbled at the proposition but then after hearing about the guy who was an ex-fireman/paramedic now striving to be a doctor and seeing pictures of him I was more than sold on the idea. He was Assyrian (for those of you who don’t  know that is Middle Eastern), with dark skin and a million dollar smile. He was also so fun, lighthearted and goofy. We had our first date taking his dog to the dog beach in HB and then to lunch. I couldn’t have asked for better chemistry on a first date.  We were both really into each other and it felt so natural. Another thing you have to know about this guy is that at 31 he was a 4^th stage Hodgkin Lymphoma cancer survivor. No shit! But looking at him and his vigor and killer good looks you would never have known that a few years back he had been very sick fighting cancer in the hospital. You couldn’t help but fall in love with the guy’s story. I fell pretty hard for him. Maybe it was the excitement of meeting someone I felt I clicked with after coming off of a long relationship that wasn’t so ideal toward the end of things.   But…..after a few months of seeing each other (spare you all the racy details as I know my mother is reading this), he takes a trip up to his old stomping grounds San Francisco. I was supposed to pick him up from the airport and upon not hearing from him I reach out to see what was up. Turns out he had crossed paths and “bumped into” his ex girlfriend who had gone through the cancer fight with him and he realized that there were still feelings there. How does one compete with that? … They don’t! You win ex girlfriend, you win! And thanks mom, I know the intention was good.

ADVENTURES IN SPEED DATING.

Yes, you know what I mean. The sitting down across a little table from a complete stranger and forcing awkward conversation and eye contact for a set period of time until a buzzer sounds. The men do the musical chairs rotation around the room just like in the “40 Year Old Virgin” movie, but in reality it is way less entertaining. Painful in fact.   The event was hosted by Match.com and I figured “what the heck, I haven’t tried this before!” It was a Thursday evening in L.A. so I left work a bit earlier, getting myself all dolled up there.  For me this includes running a hair straightener through my hair to get out the “hairnet hair” kinks and re-applying some face powder to try to matte out the effects of being in a wet/humid factory all day. I laugh while typing this because I think about how I used to work at a fish processing plant and go to dates straight after work from there. Wonder if I ever smelled like fish? Hmm…. Was that a contributing factor to why I was single from 2012-2014? Ok…. Back to the story. I get to the speed dating event, having to park in a shady ass area of L.A. and already telling myself “this better be worth it”. Ten minutes in, before the event even starts I am realizing that this room is full of the most socially awkward, nervous looking people that have ever been gathered in the same room. I am one  who will talk to anyone with no shame. My social butterfly self felt so out of place and overqualified as I walked to a table setting and sat down. They had coaster cards on the table with prompts for how to start conversations with one another, such as “if you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go”, or “what is the last thing that made you laugh?”, or “what would you best friend say are the best qualities about you?”.   The event starts and I made it through 3-10 minute sessions with (1) the farmer’s son who was home schooled, (2) the pharmaceutical drug researcher who talks to lab cultures and pipettes all day long (I’m a fellow ex-lab rat, so I’m not hating, it just doesn’t make for good social skills), and (3) a guy in suspenders and coke-bottle glasses who I swear had to be special-ed and who just smiled nervously at me for what might have been the longest and most awkward 10 minute “conversation” of my life . Then there was a gap due to the fact that one less man came versus the count of women. I used that gap to escape, head down speed walking out of the room, not even looking the match.com host in eye. I drove home half laughing/half crying playing back the hilarity of the situation and how I had actually thought it was going to be a positive experience. Never again. Never again. The cherry on top is that after the event match.com sends out an email with all the profiles of the attendees listed and the lab rat guy had really thought that we hit it off and asked me out. I had to turn him down gently by saying I just “didn’t feel the spark”. That line had been used on me previously and I stole it.

OPEN CASTING CALL FOR THE BACHELOR.

Let me start this of by saying that this was not one of my prouder moments. But you when you are single and have nothing better to do on a Saturday afternoon and the casting call is 20 minutes away, why the f*** not? It was a rainy day in May. I walk in and make a potty stop and there are women in the bathroom distraught and crying (literally) that their hair got messed up on the way from the car. My stick straight blonde “hairdo” looked the same. I then walk into the event room of the hotel and realize I have never been surrounded by so many good looking women in my life. I mean I consider myself a strong 8, heavily dependent upon how much effort I have put in, and if you are into petite, buff slightly rough around the edges looking blondes. But that day, in that room with 500 other women from the OC area I felt like a 4! Immediately I thought “ Wow! I need to find out where the open casting call of the Bachelorette is and go camp out there and give creepy stares to the gorgeous single men ”.  The casting call process was hilarious. You wait in line for an application to fill out that is 7 pages long. My straight-A student always on top it self was one of the only ones to have theirs pre-filled out. Come on. Those of you who know me, would you expect anything less? Then comes the photo portion where each girl poses while they take a face and full body picture.   Makes sense now how all the girls with stick thin model bodies make it on the show, doesn’t it? Watching the other beauty queens pose I was thinking “shoot, I wasn’t prepared for this”. Finally there is the interview portion where they basically want to figure out how crazy and unstable you are.   They also want to confirm that you are a fan of the show and inquire which of the next potential bachelors who are in the running you are pinning for. I failed that test miserably as I was not a regular viwer of the show at the time. They also give you bonus points for having some weird ass job (those of you who watch the show will understand). I thought that fact that I made ice cream for a living was pretty cool. Guess not. No call back. No surprise there. On the way home that day I got pulled over and got a ticket for not having the updated registration on my car.   To the casting call I had worn a tight little army print skirt that my crotch was near visible in when I sat down and I still got the ticket. From a male cop. I then really felt like 4.

TRY PROFESSIONAL MATCH MAKING THEY SAID.

I logged into a fancy upscale professional match making site just for shits and giggles to see what it was about and I made a profile. After spitting out my coffee when finding out it was $12,000 to become a paying member, I closed the window on the computer and thought “well…that’s not worth it!” But my info was still on the site and week later I get a call from a match maker name Kira from Kelleher International who felt that I would be a great match for a member she was working with.   Honestly, I did get a little excited as she was telling me about this guy. Entrepreneur and business owner by 16, well dressed, works out, speak multiple languages, family oriented… blah blah blah.   As part of the process she interviews me about myself and what I am looking for as well. “Perfect match” according to her. Ha! We shall see Kira!…. So cut to the case she gives this mystery guy my number and informs me he’s going to call me that Friday night and set up a first date. He and I talk and have good conversation as two intelligent, talkative people would over the phone but I was little caught off guard by his somewhat higher pitched voice over the phone. And get this, according to the rules of service….You’re not supposed to exchange photos of one another before going out! In hindsight, what was I thinking when I agreed to meet up that next night without knowing what this guy looked like? Possibly my judgment was blurred by all the dick pics and “DTF?” messages I had been bombarded with recently and I was just figuring this would at least be worth a shot. Before breaking the photo exchange rule we attempted to describe what one another looks like over the phone and what we were seeking physical feature wise. He told me that he was looking for a Blake Lively look alike. To that I answered that I could possibly pass for her shorter, thicker, flat chested sister. Hey, at least I was honest. He was not.   Or possibly I am really bad at visualizing what a “muscular, dark skinned, handsome man” looks like. Wait…. Nope… pretty sure I dream about them every night, and the photo he sent me shortly after bared no resemblance. Let’s just say that the guy looked like one of the most beautiful Indian women that you have ever seen, but in a man’s designer clothes and with a receding hair line. Eeeek! I know right!?!?! So the ending to this adventure in professional match making is a little anti-climactic in that we never actually met up in person because I suggested that we just meet casually for coffee instead of the lavish all night out on the town in L.A. romantic date that he had planned. He was pissed and lashed back saying that he would have preferred someone more feminine anyways. I guess I don’t blame him since I had agreed to the date, but that was before the appearance shock. I just knew I wouldn’t be into him. I have a five second rule where I know instantaneously when I see a guy if I could ever sleep with him. It’s like sixth sense. Works every time. Ok that sounds bad. I mean I don’t act on it every time. Ugh, I should stop here. So moral of this tale is to be cautious with the professional match making. Glad I didn’t pay the $12,000 for that experience. The money would be better spent on freezing my eggs.