This post is for every woman who has ever participated in the wonderful world of online dating. I am lucky (*cursed*) to be coming up on my eighth year now and in that time I’ve made some key observations of men’s profiles. These are things that I am sure other women who have online dated have thought, but maybe not said out loud. Well here I am spelling them out…
Why do so many men have creepy bathroom and awkward angle selfies? Do they believe this is flattering and shows them in their best light? This boggles my mind because us women know damn well what our best angles are. We know which way to stand, how to tilt our head, how to hold our arm and which version of our smile to use to make us look our best and we pull all of those off simultaneously all while flexing and/or sucking it in to get a profile worthy photo. And then from men, we get this:
Why is every man looking for someone to go on “adventures” with? Within the last few years this has become the go-to tag line. Don’t believe me…..
Even the couples are looking for an adventure….
Why is it so F-ing difficult for men to answer easy questions? See, online dating is supposed to go as follows: two people match up, depending on the site one of them initiates contact with an intro message and then you two exchange back and forth conversation, often involving questions to help you get a better understanding of whether the other party can (1) form sentences and (2) that they seem sane and interesting enough to make you want to make plans to meet them in person. However this nice plan doesn’t work when the men can’t answer the simplest of fucking questions! Why is this such a challenge? Is it selective information absorption? Can you all not read? If I had a nickel for every time I sent a simple question like “where are you from?, “what gym do you work out at?”, “what do you do for work?”, “do you have pets?”, or even the standard “how was your day?” and the guy replies back something completely unrelated, ignores the question altogether, or just asks me a question back, I would have enough money to pay the $15,000 fee that Kelleher International charges for their match making service and maybe I’d meet someone decent and serious about finding love. That’s a whole other blog post, but I will have to share sometime about my experiences with getting set up with some of that match making firm’s paying members.
We get it men. You hate drama. And “positive vibes” only. Us women must be really hard to deal with these days because I see this more and more. And we know we are a handful and these warnings are not deterring us at all.
Where have all the dick pics gone? I’m serious on this one. Hear me out…I am not saying I miss them. But I am perplexed. Like did men all of the sudden realize that sending a photo of their penis is quite possibly the worst way to try and score points. It’s been a good two years since I have gotten one and it used to be a monthly thing. I am almost concerned. What if men are secretly plotting an even worse tactic? Not sure what that possibly could be. Yet, there are is still the occasional one of these clever tricks that make you again ask yourself ” does this really work for them?”
Are there really men who are 5’3” out there? Yes. Yes there are. And they come at me like flies because I am a whopping 5’1” and they think the odds are good. But I can’t. I just can’t. After dating 6’+ men basically my whole life, when you put a petite man like that in front of me, I don’t know what to do. Sorry guys, but if you don’t have your height in your profile, we already know you are less than 5’ 7”. And if you have 5’7” on there, you are really 5’6”, on a tall day. On the other end of the spectrum I have realized through trial and error that my anatomical limit is 6’2″. With a man taller than that I feel like I am a kid climbing a jungle gym when in the bedroom. Sorry mom. Lastly, there too many men with reference to their height in heels on their profiles. How do they know? And I know this all sounds very superficial and a little unfair, but you ladies feel me on this. I will say I am glad that cup size is not a criteria for women’s profiles. I’d be lying on that for sure!
Why must men abuse the profile question prompts? Is this related to your all’s inability to answer questions? I get it that some men are trying to be clever here but after the 100th “I’ll fall for you if….. you trip me”… it gets a bit old. Other men don’t seem to be able to comprehend the questions. This is your opportunity to show your best side guys. If the prompt question is to tough for you, pick a different one. I guess this is a good literacy check that us women can use to our advantage. Lastly, there are the ones who love the “Two truths and a lie” prompt. Always a great way to sneak in a dick reference.
How are you going to match up with me/like my photo/send me a message on this site, but have ignored me altogether on the other site? Do I really look that similar to every other blonde female in Orange County? (don’t answer that). I’ve never even had a Pumpkin Spice Latter and I’ve never owned Ugg boots. I’d also like to think there are some definite differentiating factors on my profile, but… that would assume that men read. Us women don’t forget things. We will remember that back in 2014 we sent you a message and you didn’t reply. And here you are trying to get at it in 2020 like that never happened. Sorry dude. Only if you have the trifecta of tall, dark and muscular are you getting a second chance.
Does this vulgar stuff really work for them? I can’t imagine, because it makes me want to throw up in my mouth. What if your mothers saw this stuff? Gross. But notice, he adds the ” 🙂 ” at the end to make it seem less disgusting.
Why are their so many personal trainers and engineers online dating? And where are the engineers who look like personal trainers? If anyone knows of one, please send my way. And can they please also have a personality? The last engineer I went on a date with I was bored to tears and literally could not finish my glass of wine fast enough. Ironically he had the nerve to text me after that date to tell me he “did not feel the spark”. Likewise buddy. Same. At least on a date with a personal trainer you learn some new workout tricks for the gym. And…. this is why I am single… because those are my priorities.
Where are these men getting all these glamour shots and head shots taken? Was this a Groupon I missed out on? You all are prettier than I am and that is a deal breaker. Like seriously, I swipe left on these guys thinking “I can’t keep up with this”.
What is it with all these dangerously good looking men (*with aforementioned head shots*) and completely unbelievable job titles? No one believes you are a Neuroscientist, Grant. Go back to acting. Maybe you can play one on TV someday.
Are there really that many men in the real world with face tattoos? Or is it just that a disproportionate number of them are single and online dating. Hmm…. Maybe that has to do with the face tattoo. Just going out on a limb here.
What is it with the middle finger profile photos? This does not make you seem like someone us women would want to be around. It makes you seem like an immature jerk, not a tough guy. If you want to look like a badass, post a selfie of you and your cat. That is badass.
Men have very strong opinions on whether pineapple belongs on pizza or not. In fact I might just use this as my first message / line from here on out. Just start with a “how do you feel about pineapple on pizza?”. I’d probably get farther than I am now.
What does “Here for a good time, not for a long time” really mean? You know how many men have this on their profiles? A lot! WTF does it mean? Does “here” signify the dating site? And I’m supposed to interpret it as “limited time offer”. I feel like messaging one of these guys and asking what this means. But they probably wouldn’t answer the question. 😉
How are there so many men who do not understand the art of keeping the conversation going? In the same sense that men seem to struggle with question answering, the same can be said about question asking. Again, there is an art to keeping the conversation with a near stranger going so that you get to know that stranger. With many of the men I match with online the conversation (if you can call it that) is like pulling teeth. After years of this the plan to look into sperm donors at 35 is looking more like a reality. And a not far off reality as I approach that milestone in about 4 months. Yikes.
Do I need to have my Meyers- Briggs Type Indicator personality score on my profile too? I keep seeing all these references to ENFP, INFJ, ISTJ, ESTP …..etc and I have no idea what they mean. I feel like this is the male friendly version of the astrological sign. Can someone just tell me which men am I supposed to look out for? I don’t have time to read up on this. Is there a CliffsNotes version?
How are there so many men in their late 30’s that have “not sure” in the “What are you looking for?” question? What is it going to take? Another decade? Come on men in your 30’s! Us women of the same decade can’t wait any longer. We’re sick of dating younger men who are cute but we can’t really see ourselves with longer term. And all the older men in their 40’s either have kids, don’t want to have kids, or can’t keep up. PLEASE!!!! Figure it out!
This has been fun to get back into writing and venting in this blog. Promise to try and keep the content coming but focusing on quality, not quantity of the posts. Signing off now. I have to go update all my online dating profiles to make me seem more adventurous. I will leave you all with a photo of a cock… in case it’s been a long time since you saw one.
THANKS FOR READING GUYS!
