After 9 years of being single I often get told or have it strongly suggested that I might be too picky. In all fairness I bring a lot to the table and I expect the same. But there is slim possibility that I might be a little picky. So figured I’d jot down a list of just how picky I really am. I realize that no man is going to meet all these criteria below. I’ve been looking for almost a decade now. This is more of a fantasy build-a-man wish list for the male unicorn of my dreams who I don’t think exists. *HOWEVER* if you readers know any man who meets even 80% of these, please, I beg you to hook a woman up!
THE DEAL BREAKERS
Before diving into the “deal -makers”, let’s do the deal breakers as those are just as important:
Doesn’t know what they want. This eliminates about 85% of men in their 30 ‘s on dating apps, if not more. What are you all waiting for to figure that out? I have had my shit together for a long time now. Honestly, since about 23 when I got my masters and my first real food industry job at a fish processing plant and I’ve been kicking butt and doing me and learning about what my passions are, what makes me tick, and what I want in life since then. I just can’t relate to a man in his 30’s (or even 40’s!) who is still trying to figure out what he’s doing, if he wants a girlfriend, if he wants a family, and still thinking he’s going to be an “entrepreneur” and just make money without actually working.
Too pretty. The older I have gotten the less impressed I am with gorgeous, model/actor looking men. I know this sounds stereotypical but they just seem less interesting, and to be honest normally are. Plus, I just don’t want to have to keep up with that level of beauty. My man can’t be prettier than me. Along similar lines, men who shave everything are just too much. I can’t even commit to that level of grooming at all times. I can’t have my significant other one- upping me.
Cat haters/allergic to cats. Non-negotiable. The cats are my kids. They aren’t going anywhere. I don’t care how good you are in the sack. Although, if you’re very confident in that arena you’d like to try and change my mind, hit me up and we can arrange for a try out. It’s been a while. Please note the cats will be watching and judging you.
Trump supporters. He lost. And for good reason. Still cannot understand for the life of me how he got elected. I know I will lose some readers from this but I am entitled to my opinion and this is my blog and my post about my dream man, and that man does not want to “Make American Great Again”.
Racist. Really enough said there. I simply could not be with shitty human being who believed certain classes of people are inferior to others because of their race or ethnicity and there are no exceptions to this.
Kombucha drinkers. I know this is an oddly picky deal breaker. But let’s be honest: kombucha is gross. My parents used to grow it in the house in the 90’s before all these hipster millennials made it cool. It smells disgusting and tastes even worse. I just can’t imagine being with someone who was drank this dirty feet, vinegary smelling tonic and who might try to get me to as well. Plus if you willingly drink kombucha I will doubt your ability to make good decisions in other areas of life.
Boob men. Sorry. Nothing to see here, nor will I ever make the decision to get fake ones. Move along. I suppose this is more of a deal breaker for them, but it felt worth noting.
Argues with me about organic food being better for you or that microwaves are poisoning us. Let me explain: I literally have a masters and bachelors in food. Food Science in particular. So, I do not need a man bun wearing dude telling me about what I should or should not eat or telling me that carrageenan is the devil. Educational fact: carrageenan is sourced from seaweed and used it foods at <1% and has been used for decades. Trust me, there are far worse things you can put in your body.
Lives more than 30 miles away. Or lives in L.A. I’m getting too old for this shit and the thought of making a long drive, or even worse driving through L.A. area traffic for a more than likely lackluster date gives me anxiety. And this is a shame because when I am in the L.A. area for work and I have a spare moment to get on Bumble or Hinge I have to admit that the men are considerably better looking.
Wants to live somewhere cold. I can’t be with someone who sees themselves eventually moving somewhere cold to live out their years. I’m a bit scrawny and I have poor circulation, and thus I barely survive California “winters”. I whine and complain the whole two months out of the year that it’s less than 65°F around here.
Recently sober former alcohol or drug addicts. I hate to sound insensitive here but being with an addict is a huge commitment and a potentially life long altering decision that I’d prefer to stay away from. For whatever reason though, I do a damn good job attracting these men.
Doesn’t like animals. “Do you have pets?” and “Do you like animals?” is in my top 20 first date questions. If you don’t like animals something is wrong with you. This includes cats 🙂
Men with ridiculous names. And I don’t mean unique names like mine (thanks Mom!). I mean names that make you think “There is no way in hell your parents named you that!” sort of names.
Exhibit A:
And he’s that pretty? Give a break! (eyeroll).
Silent, dead fish in bed. Not only is this a huge turn off, it is also creepy. I need to know that you are alive and more importantly enjoying yourself.
Men who don’t drink coffee. I know, this is another weird one, but I do not trust people who don’t drink coffee. Like where are you getting your energy from? Who are you trying to impress? Functioning without coffee is suspicious and strange. I need someone who understands that my day cannot go on without coffee. Coffee is a love language if you ask me.
Can’t keep up a conversation. There is an art to this that somehow died over the course of the last 6 years or so, at least in the online dating arena. I recall the early days of online dating having great back and forth exchanges with guys. Now it’s like pulling teeth. Finding a man online who can keep up conversation is increasingly rare. This is key. It proves that they are willing to put in effort, are intelligent, and someone I would want to spend my time with.
Has to bring up sex in the first conversation. This is a huge turn off and extremely annoying. Flirting is fine but if the first few exchanges have references to body parts or sex, I’m checking out. You all remember this guy…
Face tattoos. I don’t think this one requires explanation. Yet there are a lot of men online proudly displaying ink on their faces and it’s perplexing. But as they say, there is someone for everyone.
Dumb. I am not saying that the man I end up with has to be freakishly smart or evenly highly educated. But there is a certain level at which I have to draw the line.
Men with the toilet in background of their profile photo selfies. This is just gross. And creepy. Put some effort into presenting yourself in a better light guys.
Men wanting needy women. I swear that part of the reason I am (still) single is that I have my shit together and am emotionally and financially stable. I don’t need a man. I’d like one. But the “need” for someone to take care of me does not exist. I feel like many men are looking for someone who needs them.
THE DEAL MAKERS
And now for the deal sealers…
He has a degree(s) in science or has a career in a scientific field. There is just something magic about when two science nerds get together. I recently watched Radioactivity on Netflix, which is the story about Marie Curie and Pierre Curie. They were lovers AND lab partners. You can’t get much hotter than that if you ask me. I spent an entire three hour long hiking date with a guy who was pre-med talking about our thesis research projects. While that didn’t turn into a love connection for other reasons it still goes down as one of the more fun dates I’ve been on. I’d love to find a fellow science nerd. Maybe I should go back and get my PhD. Hmm….
Passionate about something. Career. Hobby. Whatever it is. A man who is passionate and proud about some aspect of their lives is instantly more interesting and intriguing. I guess I like knowing what makes people tick and I am drawn to people with drive and who I can learn something from.
Someone who is a bit of a gym rat and who would welcome the idea of gym dates. You all know I am a sucker for a man with muscles. It’s my kryptonite. I don’t know what it is exactly but beyond the obvious aesthetic appeal, I think it has a lot to do with the discipline and dedication that it takes to have that physique. It’s really not as superficial and surface level as it sounds.
Proper grammar. Once you online date for some time and see that the average level of literacy of most people on there is about a third grade level, the proper use of “your/you’re” and “their/there/they’re” is incredibly attractive. And I am not just hating on the men here. I am sure the women are just as bad.
Takes out the trash. Rolling the trash and recycle bins out to the curb is the chore I hate the most. I call it the “single woman walk of shame”. I simply despise it. I always forget this task (or subconsciously push it off) until late Thursday night so it’s always cold and dark when I am wheeling those things out to the curb. And I swear it is only 50 feet but it feels like a long lonely quarter mile when the whole time I am running over the thought in my head of having to do this chore myself until I die.
Killer smile. There is something about big white perfectly aligned teeth that makes my heart skip a beat. Good oral hygiene is a huge plus too. I brush my teeth at least 4 times a day so someone just as obsessed with fresh and clean mouth would be ideal.
Car with seat warmers. Odd request, I know. I have dated a few men with seat warmers in their cars and let me say this: there is nothing that makes me happier than a warm and toasty backside on a car ride back from a great date. Completes the night! I guess I am easy to please. I suppose I’ll just have to get my own car with seat warming capabilities.
Junk in the trunk. I said it. Women appreciate a nice round backside as well.
Will watch Bad Santa with me at Christmas time every year until the day we die. Someone who also loves the uncomfortable, vulgar humor in this movie is my soulmate. It never gets old.
Likes to travel. I was lucky to have grown up with parents who took me traveling a lot so I definitely have the bug to get out and see the world. Admittedly I don’t do it enough. A mate with fellow love for experiencing other places and cultures would be ideal.
Tall. I know… all women like talk men, but for me it is not only a physical preference, but also survival skill. There has to be someone in the house who is tall enough to reach things in the top shelves, because there is going to come a time when I am not young and agile enough to climb up on top of the kitchen counters.
Maybe wants to get married. I’ll take a “maybe” at this point. That’s good enough. I know well enough by now that you can’t change a man, BUT a little persuasion is ok.
Definitely wants kids. I actually prioritize this over the marriage thing. Why? Well: (1) because I don’t know that I can stand being with someone for the rest of my life. Ha! It’s been a LONG time since a man has some into my life and made me think otherwise. And (2) I am confident that I would like to have kids. Haven’t given up on that yet so I’d like to meet someone who has kids in their future plans as well.
Beach house. I am the farthest thing from a gold digger. But those who know me know that my dream is to have a house on the beach. Well on my way to buying the darn thing myself, but if a man has a house on the beach, that will definitely score some points.
Appreciates the amazingness of sleeping in on a Saturday. I wake up at a disgusting hour to workout before work and my workdays are long, fast paced chaos and pretty taxing mentally. So when Friday rolls around I am beat. I have NO shame sleeping in past 12 noon on a Saturday if there is nothing that requires me to be up. I need someone who understands that. If he feels the need to wake up at 6 am on a Saturday it is not going to work. I actually stopped seeing a guy after a few weeks because all he wanted to do was wake up early on Saturdays and go on a hike or hang out. True story. I wish I was kidding.
A man that fishes. It’s funny because I see memes on social media hating on men with photos of them holding fish in their profiles. Apparently many women think that is a turn off. I think that’s a huge plus. Growing up fishing was the way I bonded with my dad, boy cousins and uncle, and they are all great men. So fishermen are A- okay in my book and I think a fishing date would be the best. In fact, my dating profile has a photo of me holding a fish:
Close with their family and/or has a big family. I am very close with my parents. Possibly too close. They live a two minute drive away from me. And being an only child I like the idea of being with someone with a big family.
Savvy with electronics. I need a mate with these skills because I am one of the most technology challenged 30 somethings you will ever meet. Granted sometimes I surprise myself and I get by at work just fine. But as far as setting up printers, an internet router or a new phone, those things that give me the worst anxiety. I have had the same TV, cable box and DVD player since 2012 when my ex I was living with and I broke up. I dare not touch anything and pray that everything keeps working until I find a tech savvy male companion.
Handy and can fix things. This seems to be a dying art, especially among our millennial generation. It would be nice to have a capable, can fix things around the house and work on the car type of man. I agree with Mick here, this is a rare find. And one that also gives organisms…. That is male unicorn. I am sure Mick is quite popular on Hinge.
CONDITIONALLY APPROVED
For every 5 “Deal-Makers”, a potential mate has, they are allowed one of these “conditionally approved” less than desirable traits….
Skips leg day. Approval will be given to men who have naturally buff legs. I am sick of having buffer legs than the men I date. If you’ve seen me in person you know that the bar here is set very high here, despite me being 5’1” and about 110 lbs (80 of which are in my legs).
Thinks Will Ferrell is funny. He is not. I will fight you on this.
Men who get manicures and pedicures. I have to preface this with the fact that I have never in my life, with the exception of the one time I got French manicured acrylic nails in middle school, had a manicure or pedicure. It would be strange to have a S.O. who goes to the nail salon when I wouldn’t even know what to do if I stepped foot in one.
Men who get Botox, fillers etc. I can’t have you being prettier, younger looking and less wrinkled than me. Unless you are my legitimately younger boy toy. That’s another story. And if you’re going to insist on getting work done, we are at least going to get it together and make a date out of it.
I COULD CARE LESS:
If you’re still with me and have gotten this far you probably think I am extremely picky, superficial, and unrealistic. So now for a list of a few things that I really don’t care about to try and redeem myself…
What kind of car the guy drives. A fancy car is nice and I understand that for some men it is a well deserved toy they gift themselves. Totally fine. I respect that but I don’t seek it out. In fact I have dated a guy without a car at one point.
The amount of money he makes. In other words, I would never consider being wealthy a deal maker. As long as he has a career that he is passionate about and the salary allows him to live normal life (i.e. has place to live, can pay bills, not in debt) that is enough for me.
What the guy wears. Sure it’s nice when a man puts an effort into how they look. And I’m not saying it doesn’t catch my eye, but fashion sense is just not on my list of must haves. It is what’s underneath the clothes that matters. I mean that both literally and figuratively. Not in that order. Okay, maybe in that order.
Bald. There are certain men who pull of the bald (or shaved head because they are balding) look. Wow, the twenty something year old me can’t believe that I am okay with dating bald men. Crazy how things change when there are slim pickings out there.
If the guy is hairy. I know a lot of women are grossed out by back hair or super hairy legs. Having dated a lot of Middle Eastern men this doesn’t bother me at all. My tolerance level for fuzzy backs is high!
THE SEARCH GOES ON. AND SO DOES THE LIST.
The problem is that after you’ve dated as much as I have you start to find little ideal qualities in each man you come across and they stick in your brain. They end up piling up to become this incredibly long and unattainable wish list. On the flip side: having dating so many men, I’ve also accumulated quite the “no-no” list and those deal breakers pile up as well. So I’m hoping to trick a decent man into sticking around sometime soon or this list is going to get even more ridiculously long. I suppose a few years from now I’ll have to do a round two of this post.