The Year I Gave Up

I can assure you this post is not nearly as depressing as it sounds.  Also, I do plan to get back at this blogging thing and bring everyone some more lighthearted, you-can’t-make-this-shit-up content of #thisiswhyisam(STILL)single.  I know I’ve been failing miserably at keeping this current, but given the worldly events this past year or so it just didn’t seem like the time to be posting about my dating woes and poor pity (still) single me status. I know this past year has been extremely difficult for many and that my dating struggles pale in comparison to what so many people and their families have gone through.  However, I also knew expressing myself here would be not only therapeutic for me but also that some readers would enjoy and relate to the vulnerability of this “The Year I Gave Up” post and find some humor in it as well.  So, here we are….a peak into how I have been doing as a single woman in her 30’s trying to keep the faith and find a way to not die alone amidst a global pandemic.  This long, strange last year (#thanksCOVID) was the year I mentally gave up on dating.  I say this because  in this last year  I…..

… got a third cat.  Read that again.  I GOT A THIRD CAT this year.  If that doesn’t scream “I give up!”, I don’t know what does.  The fact that a woman has one cat already earns her the title “Crazy Cat Woman” and drop her two points on the attractiveness scale.   Three cats?… well that’s enough to send most men running for the hills.  But when presented with the opportunity to adopt and save my most recent fur child Shrimp, I considered the fact that I hadn’t had a boyfriend since 2013 and said  “Screw it! What’s one more cat!”  As I sit here writing this, she’s on the desk sticking her cute little butt in my face and I don’t regret the decision at all.  Funny story about her is that Shrimp was originally named Oliver but after 8 months of having “him” I took “him” to the vet to get fixed and come to find he was a she. I even failed at trying to bring another (fur) man into my life.  Cursed.   

…started writing this blog again.  Let’s be honest:  most men are not going to want to date a woman with a blog titled “This is Why I am Single”.  I realize that.  Yet here we are. You’re reading a blog I wrote.  And I’m still single.  Coincidence… I think not! Ha!  I chose to pick back up on this blog because after this year I really don’t give a f***.  I know many people get some laughs out of what comes out of my head and  that brings me joy so that’s enough.   Admittedly part of me is secretly hoping that there is some man out there who finds the humor in the blog and admires my honestly, but I know most will not.   The chances of that man also liking cats is 1:1,000,000, if not worse. 

…. hit the sperm donor deadline (35) and didn’t pull the trigger.  Since becoming single in my late 20’s I started to joke about 35 being the year that if I was still single, I would just give up and get a sperm donor.  With my 35^th birthday having come and gone this year I have to say that milestone year came way faster than I thought.   I made the executive decision to change the new deadline to 40 but I honestly think I will be in the same place as I am now. This year was the year I started to struggle with wondering what I even wanted anymore.  Do I want a man and eventual husband?  Do I want kids?  Do I want to be left alone for the rest of my life and just get more cats and invite over the occasional boy toy? The latter seems the most plausible.

….I’ve started to prepare for buying a house. Alone. On my own- no man, no child.  Three cats. Not the way I thought it would be.  Last summer got the notion in my head that I wanted a house in Sunset Beach basically steps away from the beach. So that’s the goal.   I see myself living out my years as a single, excessively tanned cougar, and crazy cat woman. I’ve started the process of fixing up my condo so that I can sell it and get max value.  It’s been a bit of a bittersweet hard pill to swallow.  I thought I would meet someone while living here and that my next living arrangement would be with them. But now, I think I’ll just buy the damn house myself.

…adopted mostly negative thoughts about dating I can’t get over.    I think everyone is a little borderline depressed right now.  Especially us single people living on their own.  That does not make for a good time to meet someone and start a relationship. This was the year I realized I wasn’t really trying anymore. I would be getting ready for a first date (which during the height of COVID meant a walk or hike or something outside) and the whole time I would be thinking “why am I doing this?”, or “I know I’m not even going to like this guy”.  Some might argue I am jinxing the date before it even happens but try to put yourself in my shoes. I am 8 years into this online dating thing without much success, aside from some great stories (#yourewelcome), so those negative thoughts are hard to quiet in my brain.

It’s been a LONG time since I’ve had a great date with the butterflies and the chemistry. I need a little glimmer of hope. But it is like the chicken and egg.  You have to get yourself out there to hunt down that glimmer.  And you have to keep trying knowing that those good dates that leave you wanting more really rare.  My last date I went on he asked me to stand up (in the middle of the outdoor dining area during dinner) so that he could get a good view of my butt.  I was not mad, as I work hard on that thing, but definitely turned off.  That was the first and last date with this clown despite him being VERY much my type physically.  See mom….I’m evolving. Ha!

… stopped chasing gorgeous men.   This past year I found myself being a lot less inclined to swipe right or “like” super good-looking men.  Starting to think I should lower the bar and perhaps aim for a solid 7 who likes lifting weights, fishing, and wants a future together.  Calling all decent looking, buff fishermen! Don’t get me wrong, my head still turns on the rare occasion that I see a nice piece of man meat out in the wild, and I still swipe right on the occasional action figure looking buff personal trainer just to see if I still got it and if I can get a match up.  But I no longer take those men seriously or consider them someone I would want to spend my energy on.  I’ve spent so many years seeking and going out with pretty men and it has gotten me nowhere.    I suppose I could make a 365 day pull away calendar with all their photos and it would be a top seller.  How many takers would I have for that?  DM me ladies 😉

… have gone full days without swiping.  I used to swipe on dating apps during any downtime in the day. At the grocery store in line? Swiping!  At a red light? Swiping away!  Waiting for the next coffee to brew… swiping.  But lately even that seems exhausting and pointless.  With COVID the last year there’s been a change in the interaction level on the apps.  Pre-COVID you would typically match up and least exchange a few words online and then never talk again.  With COVID now you match and never say even a word to one another (or no one responds to the first message) and then you move on with your lives.  It’s basically just a little game now of finding strangers you find hot and trying to see if they find you hot too.  And then you’re done. Game over. Move on.  Doesn’t sound very fun, does it?

….am no longer amused by online dating.  This past year or so I think everyone is sort feeling blah. As a result there are very few overly confident men dropping cringe worthy pick up lines and using vulgar refences in their profile blurbs.  Quite frankly… I’m bored.  And I can’t believe I am saying this, but I almost miss getting a tasteless, yet clever first line like “You’re like my pinky toe, I would bang you on every piece of furniture in the house”, or the random dick picks (See prior Dick Pic and First Message Hall of Fame posts).   A girl can’t even get hit on and grossed out and die laughing anymore.  Online dating has lost its characteristic flare.   I think COVID might have killed the dick pic.  I guess a sick part of me kind of liked the burn of how bad online dating really was pre- COVID.  Don’t get me wrong though… it’s still horrible, just horrible and boring now.

….Became (even more) okay with being alone. 

I’m an only child so having alone time is something that I am very used to and something that I also find sacred.  This year has solidified that even further.   When I really think about it I am not sure if I even want a significant other.  Maybe like once or twice a week to hang out with?   And then leave me alone the rest of the week with the exception of a few “good morning beautiful” texts. But none of the ”GM” text shorthand crap the fuckboys use.  I want the words spelled out, like you mean it. 

….I stopped going on first dates.  I do interviews instead. I don’t do first dates consisting of dinner, activity, “adventure”-fill in the blank.   After 8 years of first dates, I am exhausted and it honestly makes me cringe thinking of all the time I wasted and the uncomfortable-  “what am I doing here?” situations I put myself in over the years.   I would much rather just do a first interview screening with a very simple during the week meet-up for a coffee, drink or maybe even a walk somewhere well lit I can escape from easily.   If we hit it off, then we plan the real first date.  I feel like the men should be okay with this too given that they are not having to shovel out a bunch of money for dinner and drinks for someone they might not ever see again.  I do make rare exceptions to this “no first dates” rule, but that requires a strong gut feeling that there will be some chemistry there.

…I’ve also lost all motivation for getting dolled up.  After more than a year of being holed up in my condo with the exception of grocery store and gym trips the thought of having to go out and meet up with a perfect stranger seems a little like a chore.  And on top of that, I have to put on pants?  And a full face of makeup?  And shave?  And be social.  Gosh… I think I’ll just die alone. Not worth it.

But with all of the above from this year I am trying to keep the faith that maybe by some miracle when I least expect it (you married/non-single people just love that phrase  #eyeroll)  my dating life will turn around and I don’t have to make my 40^th birthday my next “screw it! I will just get sperm donor” milestone.  Things are starting to open back up. I have both my shots and I have to get back out there because I am in need of material for this blog.  I don’t think you all want to read a bunch of posts about my three cats.  Though some people on social media seem to make a living out of posting about their cats. I think it’s either sperm donor or starting an Instagram account for Nacho, Shrimp and Marley if I am still single at 40. Or both!  Time will tell.