YES (Sigh). January 2018 will mark the FIVE year anniversary of my diving into the exhausting and painfully hilarious world of online dating. I know…..five years! I didn’t believe it myself and had to count it out on my fingers several times, making sure I didn’t skip a finger. Sad right? Pitiful as it is, I figured it was a great occasion to reflect back on and share with you all my most memorable (usually not for a good reason) and cringe worthy online dating/dating experiences that I’ve experienced over these past 5 years. Enjoy!…..
About 2 years into being on Match.com when I started to receive messages from men all around the US and Canada and later realized why thanks to one of them them who mentioned that he’d seen my profile on one of the national online ads they ran. Shesh! Even match is trying to get me the heck off their site.
Valentines Day 2013 when the guy I had been seeing for a few weeks and who I was really excited about let me know via text that day that he was “not feeling the spark” and thus we were not hanging out that night. Nice. And this was actually the first guy I met via online dating who I caught feelings for so this was a nice blow right from the start of this wonderful 5 year journey (more like battle) I have been on.
Every time I connect and exchanged numbers with another Middle Eastern guy named Ali and had to input his contact into my phone as Ali #1, Ali #2, Ali #3…… They love their little blondes! Honestly, whenever I come across a dangerously good looking Ali on Bumble or Tinder I always swipe right- just to see if I still got it. Never fails!
Spring of 2015 when I went to a local casting call for the Bachelor, thinking “Well, nothing else seems to be working so I might as well try to get on TV and make a complete fool out of myself while trying to find love”. Upon walking into the hotel convention center where the event was being held and being surrounded by 500+ beautiful and extremely manicured and made up single women from the OC/LA areas I realized I had never felt like such a mediocre 6/7 in my life. For those of you who watch the Bachelor and think “damn are all those women really that gorgeous?”….. yes. Yes they are. Little tip for all the men reading: they have the casting calls for the Bachelorette at the same location and date as these Bachelor casting calls so keeps your eyes out for the next one and just show up and accidentally walk into the hall full of gorgeous single ladies and try your luck there. You’re welcome :). The whole process is hilarious- from the 7 page questionnaire (including questions like “how many tattoos do you have?” and “how often do you drink?”), to the head shots and full body photos they make you pose for, to finally an on camera interview . I knew I was far too normal to make the cut, but it wasn’t a complete waste of a Saturday in that I met some really nice, cool women that day. They were also way to normal and didn’t make it on the show either. Personally, I think my alpha female sailor mouth-take no shit sassiness would have been quite entertaining amongst all drunken messses, but that’s just me. You missed out America.
My attempt at professional match making in which I was matched up with a very metro-sexual manicured Indian man who planned a full out romantic date in L.A. for us. However, after talking for a bit and then exchanging photos with him (which is a “no-no” on this particular professional site) I declined the date , suggesting we might just do coffee instead when I realized I would not be attracted to him. He went off on me telling me I wasn’t feminine enough for him anyways. I think he wanted someone to get manicures and eyebrow waxes with.
When I went on a date in Laguna with an Audi driving Persian (aren’t they all?) personal trainer and had a few Long Island ice teas (what was I thinking?) and got a little too drunk and made out with him at the bar despite not being really into him before the alcohol hit my brain. After the date I texted him a simple “thanks” but nothing more. Few weeks later I’m on a date at a sushi restaurant in Irvine with another Audi driving Persian personal trainer (huh….?…don’t judge me) and see the same guy out on a date with a little petite blonde. The four of us waited awkwardly in the entrance of the restaurant for a table for a very long 10 minutes.
When I finally caved in and joined Tinder and then later Bumble. Both of which are literally the worst form of online dating (if you can even call them that). Both sites are just a really addicting game you play on your phone to gauge your overall attractiveness and sex appeal to others. Okay, so there is a little rush and feeling of “damn I still got it” when you swipe right on a super hot guy whom you wouldn’t even really want to date in real life because he’s just too damn pretty, and then low and behold he has liked you back. And now you’re matched up and maybe you’ll exchange some meaningless small talk and then he’ll ask you for a picture of your ass and you’ll blow him off and you never meet up and then he blocks you. Okay, sorry I got side tracked…. back to the list.
And speaking of Tinder…. the time I went on a first date with a guy I met on the site during which I drank few too many vodka tonics followed by Fireball shots and then threw up on myself. To make it worse I did not realize this until the next morning when I was doing the walk of shame from his house. Best part of the story is that he wanted to hang out again. So we went on a pretty mild, uneventful and friend-zoney second date and then we never talked again. I think that given the events of the first date he thought I was more fun than I really am and was a little let down by the second date. Ha! I still cannot smell Fireball without wanting to gag.
When shortly after joining match.com I come across my ex’s cousin who I used to hang out with at family functions over the years. We exchanged words and laughed about how we were both resorted to online dating. Small world.
The date I met at a house party in Newport who got so drunk as the night went on that he peed on a wall as he walked me to my car that night. Gentleman points for walking me to the car. However those points were shortly thereafter negated by the act of public urination.
Every time I got a really nice, big dick pic and sent it to my married best friend going “see what you’re missing out on?”. Notice readers that the bad dick pics did not make this “Best of” list. Dick pic sending men take note: as they say “must be this tall to ride the ride”. You know what I’m getting at.
When I dated a 40 year old man who was then 12 years my senior and really hit it off with him. Honestly, it was one of the more fun mini relationships/flings I’ve had over the years. So much so that it really did make me believe that old adage “age ain’t nothing but a number”. Until…. about 1 year later when I started hanging out with a newly turned 23 year old when I was 30 …..Once the allure of the picking him up from his parents’ house for froyo dates and making out in the car wore off I realized it was ridiculous. However, I will say that it made me feel like a little high school kid again, so I definitely see the logic in Mariah Carey, Madonna, and J-Lo’s choice of men.
And on the topic of age: Literally the day I turned 30 match.com immediately threw me into a whole new age class for my daily matches and profiles suggested for me. Overnight it went from “here are the 25-35 year old eligible single men in your area you matched with to: “good morning, now that you’re a 30 year old and no longer a spring chicken here are the 40-50 year old already divorced fathers of 3 looking for a second chance at love who we’ve matched you with”. Seriously match…. wtf? Like let me ease my way into this a bit. Geez!
Every time I have had to scratch my head and try and translate man signals. For instance: I go on a date with this divorced father of two. Great looking, smart guy. Fit, career oriented and despite having had a vasectomy, he’s open to having kids again. A coffee date evolved into a longer “let’s get lunch” date and we left it with both parties being very vocal about being into each other and exchanging “I can’t wait until we hang out again”. He proceeds to text me and even call me to talk (no one does that nowadays) throughout the week telling me “you are so awesome and beautiful and I can’t believe you are single …. etc”, and we planned to meet up that weekend for date #2 before I headed off to Peru for vacation. Friday comes, I try to reach out with a phone call and then later a text. Nothing. Crickets. The man goes completely missing. I’m like “I can see you read my text you jerk”. Still have not heard from him to this day. I was pissed. I actually considered dating him and started some research online googling “likelihood of being able to have kids after a vasectomy” for this dude. One of you male readers please explain this to me.
When after reconnecting with a childhood friend /old soccer buddy we realized that we had recently been involved with the same guy who we both met online. We both fell for the 6’4″ tall muscular physique. Hey…. at least we both have good taste. We were able to share some laughs over it and what a true bonding experience! Ha!
When I had a nice, good conversation filled date with a tall, dark, handsome, successful and smart guy who wanted the same things I wanted and I got excited…. until I found out he was horribly allergic to cats. Dealbreaker. My cats aren’t going anywhere.
The time I would not go back to this guy’s house after a date and he went on a crazy text rant later that night after we parted ways telling me “You’re short. I normally date models”, “You talk a lot” and “I am hotter than you are”. But then 30 minutes later following up with “I’m sorry I said all those things I was just sad you wouldn’t come back to my place”. Crazy dude! Can we say RED FLAG?
The time I was on the stairmaster at the gym and look over and see a guy I had been on a date with about 2 years back right next to me. I ignored him. Just like I ignored his text messages after our boring lackluster date.
When I matched up with a guy named Zues on Tinder and my pick up line was a reference to how both our names were from Greek mythology and how Zues and Danae were getting it on back in the day and thus we had to go out. It worked. We had a few dates but I am picky as hell and couldn’t quite put my finger on why I didn’t like the guy. Super nice, successful, gentleman, and extremely into me. But I have this thing where I just know within the first few minutes if I am going to want to date/sleep with someone, and that inner alarm just didn’t go off for me with this guy. See…. I really am dying alone. What is wrong with me?
When on a first date this guy planned for us to go go-kart racing and upon getting into the car I needed a booster seat. Hilarious start but it went down hill from there. Fellas… go kart racing is not the best idea for first date. The girl has to smash her freshly done hair and made up face into a hot and sweaty helmet and then is forced to drive (something you men claim we all suck at doing in real life) and participate in this weird, extremely stressful competition. Not a recipe for first date success and sparks if you ask me. And this is coming from a fairly low, maintenance female who has only been in 3 major car accidents. Okay, maybe 4.
The night I went on a date with this tattooed, yoga practicing, motorcycle riding rough around the edges guy and realized midway through the date (after I had gone back to his house for drinks) that the attraction was only sexual and going no where good. While sitting basically on his lap on the couch, I blurted out “I need to go home now” awkwardly out of no where. He was pretty cool about it and walked me to the door and saw me on my way. On the way home I hit a massive pothole getting onto the 405 which blew my tire. I drove for a good five minutes before realizing that something was wrong and that I was driving on the rim of my blown out tire. I ended up walking around the side of the 405 freeway in stilettos calling AAA. Great ending to the night.
The night I went out with a super hot grungy looking guy with a man bun just because that is totally not my type and I wanted in on the man bun craze of 2015. He also drove a Jeep so that was like icing on the cake. He arrived to the date extremely high. In hindsight I don’t know why that came as surprise to me.
When I joined “Elite Singles” at the start of 2017 thinking that I was going to meet a smart successful man on the site, which supposedly is one of the top three dating sites. My ass!……For a month straight I searched Elite Singles long and hard to find one decent looking man. It was full of short, really nerdy and socially awkward looking doctors, engineers and business owners who I would without a doubt intimate the hell out of. I know that sounds extremely shallow, but listen, the attraction has to be there, and I am really not looking for someone to take care of me financially. I finally settled on a doctor (actually to be fair he was still in med school so not yet really “Elite” but they let him on anyways) who was about a 6 in the right lighting. I was taking a leap of faith. We went on a long ass 1/2 day hike in the Pasadena Hills area. I know…. what was I thinking going on a hike on a very uncrowded mountain trail which ended at sundown with a complete stranger? Have no worries though, because about 30 minutes in the hike we both realized that he was just as unimpressed with me as I was with him. We got through the hike talking about nerdy science stuff and our research projects. At least I got a good workout in. Peace out Elite Singles! It’s been lame!
Every match.com mixer event I went to. I have never in my life been surrounded by so many socially awkward people in one room. I really cannot think of many things more depressing than the few times I attended (and actually paid money to attend) the match.com social mixer events.
And speaking of awkward……my first and LAST attempt at speed dating. I laughed so hard at myself for trying this on the drive home that I nearly cried. So bad.
The times (yes plural) I have been on date with a guy and he looks me straight in the eyes and says “I don’t find blondes attractive”. #whyamihere #areyoublindman
And if I had a nickle for every time that I got a message from a guy on match.com asking “you’re still on here?” or ” are you still single?”. Trust me buddy, I am just as annoyed to still be on here as you are when you keep seeing me. Tell Match.com to run another one of my national promo ads. Those 45 men with dad bods in Minnesota aren’t looking so bad right now.
When I went out on a date with a guy I had known from high school who claimed to have had a crush on me back then and persuaded me to go out with him now some ten years later. Midway through the date and after a few drinks (giving him the benefit of the doubt here and you’ll soon see why), he tells me “you know, you’d look really good with a boob job”. I blew it off saying something about how I’d never had any complaints and that I am representing for the female form in some other areas. I don’t think he recalls this and still tries to get at me again from time to time as we are both still single and online dating.
And lastly, and by far the best moment to have come from these 5 years of dating trials and errors…. when I decided to start this blog for you all to enjoy and for my own therapeutic creative release. Seriously though, even having gone through all of the above experiences (and some that I just didn’t feel comfortable sharing with all you readers) and STILL not having found “the one”, I do consider myself somewhat lucky in the sense that I have never been catfished. And more importantly I have never found myself in a dangerous situation or one that I felt unsafe with a creepy guy. I guess I do a pretty good job at weeding them out before we meet up in person. Online dating is about being brave and putting yourself out there but you still need to trust your gut. I’ve also been lucky to have met some intelligent, interesting and quality men via online dating with whom it just didn’t work out with for one reason or another. So I know there are some good ones out there worth keeping around, I just have to keep the faith and keep digging. They are doing a damn good job of hiding from me though. Guys…. it’s been five years now… quit playing hard to find! I do not want to have this “Why I am Single Blog” in a year from now.
Happy New Year Everyone! And thanks for reading!