I have questions….

It is the one-year anniversary of my starting this blog. Honestly, I had all intentions of blogging more. However, I have been more and more unmotivated to keep trying at dating. And sometimes sitting down to write this blog seemed just as daunting. Other times writing this blog has been extremely therapeutic. Being single in your thirties when most (all) of your close girlfriends are settled down and married and/or with children is a real genuine mind fuck and a call for constant, nagging self-reflection. Recently I realized I was asking myself the same questions over and over in my mind and I thought it might be self-healing for me and entertaining for you all to get them written out and share.   Random questions I ask myself as a single 30-something…

Am I stuck this way?

I know this sounds ridiculous but the longer you are single and the further set into your selfish single ways you get, the more you actually do worry about being alone forever and living the rest of your life on your own.  After a little more than 5 years single (a few short lived flings here and there along the way) I am really good at being alone and I don’t see it changing any time soon, as much as I would like it to.  I’ve definitely not made any progress toward being less single since starting this blog one year ago.

Along similar lines: “Am I too okay with being alone?”

Aside from hustling during the week making a ridiculous amount of customer/prospect visits and phone calls for my new sales job I spend a lot of my free time alone.  And I am pretty okay with that.  More so as the years go on.  I actually look forward to spending Saturday’s completely on my own.  Starting off the day by sleeping in sprawled out like a starfish in my bed, spending the day cleaning my house and running errands solo and then having a Saturday night gym date with myself.  Do I miss being able to go to dinner with someone and then come home and cuddle on the couch? Or go on gym dates? Or fun road trips? Of course I do. But it has been so long since I have done any of those couple things that I honestly forget what it is like. And I really don’t recall what I am missing out on. Just like the “need” for their substance of choice goes away for an addict over time, so does the need for a man. The longer you are without one the more you feel like you don’t really need one.

(Side note: the above is from the Guinness headquarters in Ireland.  So glad I took this photo!  Laugh at it every time I see it).

Now I said nothing about “want”. I still want a man to do all that cute couple stuff with, but I am a little far displaced from the “need” feeling.

 

“If I don’t use it will I lose it?”

I don’t mean my sexual talents here. I know those aren’t going anywhere.  Ha! I mean my ability to tolerate the presence of someone of the opposite sex for extended periods of time. After being single and having my own place for five years now with no live in boyfriend or roommates I actually really do worry I might not be able to live with another person. The thought of sharing a bed, kitchen, fridge and bathroom with someone scares me.  Should I actually meet someone and begin spending a significant amount of time with them , I know it is going to take a good amount of re-training my mind to answer to someone other than myself. I seriously don’t think I know how to be a girlfriend anymore.  That’s what I mean by losing it.

Why am I so easy to leave?

I have asked myself this countless times since the one major break up of my life where I was not the one who quit.  Since then,  there have been several more men whom I have had short lived interactions with who then cut me off or disappear out of no where. Is that because I don’t break down, cry and beg them to stay?   Maybe.   I know that some of my past flings read this blog from time to time so I would love for them to chime in.  I believe that these men move along and leave because they know I am strong and I will be fine. I am not good at letting on that I need someone and many men want to be needed so I think that plays into my lack of success finding a long term relationship. I suppose I am not dependent enough. I think being a strong, successful self-sufficient female is a great thing, and possibly one of my strongest points (maybe to a fault), however it makes finding a long term relationship more of a challenge.

Am I doomed to take out my trash forever?”

….as I am rolling both the trash bin and the recycling bin out to the curb in one trip because I am far too much of a bad ass to make two trips. …. “ If I had a man I wouldn’t have to do this. This would be his chore”. I actually like cleaning my house and I kill my own damn spiders and open my own jars, but there is just something about the rolling the trash cans out to the curb that I despise. Taking out the trash sucks. One of the top ten reasons I want a man in my life.

How do the dating sites know?

How does Bumble know to send me a text “You’re amazing. 46 people have been swiping to meet you ” on a Friday afternoon when the reality of spending most of my weekend alone is setting in and I am at my most vulnerable, pity me and my single self state? I know this is probably a mass text send out to all women in the PST time zone, but I feel personally attacked.  At least they usually preface their messages with something positive like “You’re amazing”.

How does match.com know that I am considering canceling my membership and then all of the sudden I start to get messages again? And do they know that I have been on their site for 5+ years?  I picture them laughing at me  and saying  “what is wrong with this girl?”.   I do know they are trying to help me (and get rid of me) since they run my profile in national ads from time to time.

 

Why me?

I try not to compare myself to others but that’s hard. I look at my girlfriends I’ve known since elementary school or earlier and out of all of us I am the only one who is single. Why? Where did I go wrong? I get jealous that my friends are in long term relationships and have a life partner and growing families while I am still doing selfish stuff like sleeping in until 11am on Saturdays because I am exhausted from a workweek of hustling in my new career and building my bank account and pride.

Do you really have a soulmate?

There was a Sex in the City episode (gosh I love that show!) in which the ladies debated the notion of having a soulmate and whether that was complete BS or not. I think I lean toward the theory of not having a soulmate, because what are the odds that you even live in the same continent as that person?   Digging through the online dating profile trash in Orange County/LA area is hard enough.  And now you want me to tackle the globe?  Ugh I give up! Possibly I would have a different perspective on this if I met someone I felt I couldn’t live without.    The idea is nice, but I think I am a little to jaded from the highs and lows of the dating scene to buy into that theory.

However if it is true…..

If the above is true then I’d like a do-over.  What the heck do you know at 21 anyways?  If this really is true then maybe I should go out with the guys from high school who hit me up on Facebook.  Or should I be running back over the list of all my high school boyfriends to see if any of them are still single and want to meet up?  That would make for great blog material!

“Do I need to start looking for a sperm donor? Or freeze my eggs”

I have joked about this since I was 28.  I have said that at 35 I would give up and give the sperm donor thing a try.  Now at 32 it seems like less of a joke and more like something I should be Googling late at night so as to get some sort of idea of how I even start this process. I have all intentions of having kids and I have this feeling deep down that I am going to do it on my own. I guess the thought of having a kid and being able to do it on my own if need be seems more probable than meeting someone and falling in love. Sad right?  And then after having 2-3 kids I figure I am destined to become a cougar and prey on younger men.  Someone in my group of friends has to do it, right?  I am taking one for the team.

Is this blog scaring off men? And why do I not care?

My Bumble profile makes reference to my Instagram and my Instagram headline has my blog link. So it’s possible that any potential suitors coming to me by way of Bumble (yes I know that’s highly unlikely that I meet the man of my dreams on Bumble) are being turned off by this blog. If they bother to read it and don’t find the humor and realness in it then that’s probably not the man I want to be with anyways. In fact, I get a lot of messages from men saying that they read some of this blog and loved it. Plus, it is not like I am naming names on here or calling out specific people. And if I did so happen to start seeing someone awesome there would be no mention of them on here- until they ghosted me and broke my heart. Then they might get a little shout out, but still anonymously.

 Why is finding a relationship the one thing I cannot master?

People who know me know I don’t fail at anything and I don’t take no for an answer. I don’t even half ass anything. I am go big or go home in anything I do and things I set my mind to I achieve- if not the first time, then through trial and error and grit.   At the risk of bragging about myself for a minute: I had a master’s degree by 22, own 4 properties, I survived one heck of an eating disorder/life funk (snapping out of it on my own), I’ve risen to success in a male dominated manufacturing workplace on two occasions and I am now conquering a sales career having no prior experience.   I’m a smart cookie who can figure out and/or talk my way out of anything. Yet I cannot for the life of me find a man who I like and vise versa and who wants to stick around. It drives me insane. I dwell on it a lot to the point where first I just upset and then I sort of laugh at myself.  What am I doing wrong? Do I need to spend more time standing around in the produce section at the local Whole Foods or at Home Depot and acting helpless? They say practice makes perfect, right? Well I have practiced at this dating this enough and I am ready to get in the game.

Should change the bait?

My dating profiles (yes with an “s” as I am on multiple sites) are well written- from what I have been told on several occasions.   They are also very honest and I make it clear that I am successful, sassy, not a push over and a bit of an alpha.  I realize that I am not for everyone and I guess I have that disclaimer in there to weed out any of the weak ones.  I have also been told by male friends that I should tone it down and perhaps leave that part out.  That sucks though. I have to tone down who I am to attract a man?  Sorry, I am going to keep doing what I am doing and hope someone mans up. What about all the men who say they want strong, independent woman?  Unfortunately, I don’t tend to come across those men too often.  I also think, based on my five years of research out in the field that many men say they want that type of female but that’s not entirely true.

With regards to photos: I’ve kept it classy for the most part. No bikini or scantily clad photos (or duck face or snap chat filters that so many of the men online complaint about), but I do have posted, depending on the site, photos of me in clothing that shows my legs and butt (think fishing in booty shorts and the occasional gym selfie). So what!?!  I work out hard and am a confident female showing off the assets I do have…. Since I was less than blessed in the upper portion of the female anatomy if you know what I mean. My best friend whom I have known since I was six and who will say anything to me without a filter says that my photos come off a slutty and that I need a business attire photo so that I look more professional.   l laugh at her and tell her “this isn’t Linked In”. Speaking of Linked In…… I suppose that could be a good place to shop for men with real jobs.  Hmm….. I’ll have to save that thought for later!

 

Should I just give up on online dating?

I have thought about this thousands of times as I have lost faith in the process and it has completely burned me out. However, I also don’t have any faith in being able to meet someone out in the real world either.   I am roughly 6 months into a new job in sales where I travel and get to meet a lot of new people. So I was thinking that maybe, just maybe I would come across some successful, attractive, smart and single men in the process.   I have.  Like the infection control director at a hospital in Temecula who I spoke to over the phone and thought “wow… sounds cute! And smart!”. We then met in person and hit it off talking about ATP cleaning verification systems until…. I noticed a wedding ring. I later went home to stalk him on Facebook just to affirm that he is in fact married and that is profile photo is of him and his adorable wife. Then there are all the cute guys I end up meeting when I do sales calls and training sessions to breweries. It is probably not the best idea to get involved with a customer anyways.  Not ruling it out though!

I will also admit that after 5+ years of online dating I am unfortunately addicted to the process. There is always that feeling that the man of your dreams just might be hiding in the pile of online trash.

So I keep digging, swiping, scrolling through profiles, running compatibility searches by location, age, life style traits, height, kids/no kids, divorced/never been married etc. You really do get used to the torturous process and make it part of your daily routine. Checking match.com emails first thing in the morning, swiping through profiles while on the Stairmaster, reading through profiles as you’re winding down getting ready for bed.

No one has any single male friends to hook me up with?

The fact none of my friends or acquaintances have anyone to fix me up with boggles my mind. Like are there really that slim of pickings out there? No one has any eligible, attractive, non- crazy friends, brothers, cousins, co-workers, etc???  Upon first diving into the online dating world my then 28-year-old naive self thought “this is be easy to find the perfect man!” because there were so many sites and on most you can filter by your the of traits and lifestyle factors you want in a man.  It like build-a-bear, but instead build-a-man (… or so I thought….).  I would have turned down people offering to fix me up. Yet now, years into the filtering and digging process online I have clearly proven that I am not capable of picking out my own man. I need someone to do it for me.  See previous blog post “Dear Gorgeous Buff Men on Bumble”.  Please someone help me.  As a reminder of why I cannot be trusted to pick out my own man…. this is what my typical match up on Bumble looks like:

 

 

What? Honestly, in my defense Bumble is a mix men who are way too dangerously good looking to be take seriously (“10’s”),  and on the other end of the spectrum men who look and present themselves like weirdos (“4’s”).    There does not seem to be middle road.   Someone needs to create a “Solid 8’s Looking to Date” app.  There is a huge void in the online dating market where that is needed.  Someone please get on that now!

Segue into the next question…. “Do I just pay someone to find a man for me?”

There is always that professional match making thing. Never really given it a true try. I did have one run in with professional match making which you can read about in earlier post titled “You Can’t Say I Haven’t Tried”.  Five years of what has now proven to be useless match.com membership fees could have possibly bought my soulmate with professional match making.  Hmmm.  Guess it’s too late and senseless to dwell on that.  I suppose I could also go on one of those shows like “Married at First Sight”. Crazy concept I know, but if you watch the show some of those couples actually end up together and being very compatible. Higher success rate than the Bachelor/Bachelorette train wreck pairings. And yes, I have considered going on the Bachelor- also see post titled ““You Can’t Say I Haven’t Tried”.

 

Am I REALLY being too picky?

I get called out for being too picky all the time.  By my mom, my friends, my coworkers, random men online who I don’t respond to and then who get a little pissed off and sassy.  I am willing to give on a few of my wish list items and honestly I don’t think that my build-a-man checklist is that ridiculous. You be the judge:    has real job, intelligent/witty, wants something long term and eventually a family,  27- 42 years of age, driven/passionate about something (ideally not just about flipping burgers or being a personal trainer),  picks up some weights from time to time, and has a nice smile… and hair…. and is preferably tall…. and doesn’t hate cats or have cat allergy….. okay, I am stopping now.  This should not be that hard to find in one man.  Maybe it is a 6 year quest, and I am just about there.  At least that is what I tell myself so that I don’t just give up altogether and get cat #3.

And on the topic of cats….are THAT many men REALLY allergic to cats?

Okay so this happens to me a lot…. I go on a date and have good conversation and what could be a very dimly lit spark (I am settling for less than fireworks now that I am 32 and still single AF), yet we get to the point in the conversation where I find out that the guy is allergic to cats. When I say this has happened to me a lot, I mean like what I know has to be a disproportionate percent of the male population. I will admit to actually Googling “percent of men allergic to cats” and I then considering whether that was more or less than the percentage I have encountered.   Are they lying about being allergic to cats when I say that I have  two at home in order to just get out of a second date with me? Am I really that bad?

 

Why does going out on dates actually make me feel more lonely?

I roll over this thought in my mind every time I go on an okay first date and then nothing comes of it. By “okay” I mean: it was fine- good conversation, maybe a little bit of physical chemistry, no huge deal breakers like the aforementioned cat allergy. But then there is no follow up or it just sort of fizzles out into nothing after a few “thanks for a nice evening” and “you’re welcome I enjoyed your company” texts.  This summarizes my last 5 years pretty damn well:

After five years of build ups to a first dates and then the anti-climactic aftermath I am thoroughly exhausted with the process and realize that it is a depressing cycle. One that I am actually happier when I am not partaking in so I go through phases of not trying to go out on dates.   Even more so depressing when I try to conceptualize how else I am going to meet someone.  You see the circle?  Ugh.

 

Why do I let being single make me feel less accomplished?

Again, I try not to compare myself to others, but it comes with the territory of being human, and especially with being a female I think.   I look at my accomplishments at the age of 32 and think “Wow, you really have done good for yourself. Except….” .  I’ll admit that being single at my age and comparing myself to women around me who have husbands, boyfriends and kids makes me feel like less of a success. It makes me feel a little selfish and cold. I know that I am a better person when I am in a relationship because it forces me to not just do me.

Why did I start this blog in the first place?

As the year mark of having this blog came closer and I received a bill for the renewal of the host website fees I debated keeping up with the blog.  But I then sat on my couch curled up with Nacho and re-read my prior posts and found myself smiling at how much fun I had putting my feelings down into text to share with others that I decided I would keep it up.  I do have the goal of writing more often in the next year.  I was a quality manager for 9 years so my focus has always been on quality, not quantity.  I’d say I have a goal of meeting someone, but writing more often about my quest in doing so seems more likely.

-D